Accessability through social media & technology. Where's the balance?

When I'm in bed and unable to sleep, I usually pick up my phone and begin lurking around facebook. As a matter of fact, before logging into my blog page to write this entry, I went to facebook. Before that, I was in bed, looking at my phone because there were not 1 but 2 FB icons on my home screen giving me notices. It's become somewhat of a mindless addiction and means to receive all kinds of unnecessary information that is polluting my mind and taking up space that could and should otherwise be used in more productive ways.

The theme of the last few entries have been that of extreme change with an underlying tone of my feeling the deepest need ever to silence myself externally and to create more spaciousness internally. 

For a while I've thought about shutting off the email feature on my phone or going back to a basic, "old school" phone that's designed to use for talking and nothing else. I currently maintain not 1 but 3 different emails (4 if you count facebook email- don't get me started on that...) and while things are slowing down a little as I am transitioning out of teaching in preparation for becoming a mommy, it takes up space creating what Ayurveda calls "deranged Vata" energy. Vata energy is sort of "all over of the place" (think "windy" in the head) and the farthest from grounded. Being a woman of simplicity in many, many ways, I'm tempted to say fuck it and delete all of them just so that I can exhale...not so fast, Sanieh. 

The other day, I got a string of text messages from a number I didn't recognize only to realize it was from Andrew, the guy at the dealership where my husband and I inquired about a new vehicle. I hadn't responded to his voicemails in a timely fashion so he sent me a string of text messages asking me what package we were interested in etc. The assumption here is that we are all available in this way and it's probably safe to say that most are. I certainly have been although I've been conditioning myself not always feel the need to respond and certainly not immediately. Up until about 2 weeks ago, I actually had a voicemail message that stated the fact that I do not check my voicemail regularly nor do I return messages immediately unless there is a sense of urgency. It was my first step to creating space around a habit of being so readily available and reachable. Actually, it was my second attempt. Long before this, I had a similar outgoing message on my business email account. You get my drift though.

All of this to say...

I get that it's somewhat of what I like to call a "positive problem". I'm happy and grateful to have business communications and to be able to receive an abundance of information that the world-wide web offers and of course I'm so grateful to have friends who care about me and are interested in my well being and that of my growing family be it on facebook or email. I really am. But what concerns me is where my energy is going and where more of it should be going. 

I read something recently about how my generation is the first that will be technology driven / dependent parents. I find it both interesting and sad that we can go to a movie or to dinner and almost every single person is on their PDA. It's so not affirming to be with someone who is clearly somewhere else with someone else rather than with me, the person who is in front of them, in the flesh. And as a friend of mine once asked on his facebook page, "what did people do on the potty before PDAs?" Funny... but true.

I am feeling more present in my life than ever right now yet I feel a need for more. 

I feel a need to become more mindful of the things, thoughts, impressions I am filling my head with. So much of what we are receiving and storing in our consciousness is on a subconscious level. 

How can I be a teacher of presence to my child when I'm constantly being pulled out of the present moment and into someone else's life on and off, all day long or allowing myself to constantly be so readily available in so many?

How can I BE present to my child when I've got my phone attached to my hip checking emails and text messages all day long allowing myself to be so available which pulls me out of the here and now? 

So where's the balance in all of this? Where's the balance in being communicative where much of society comes to together while having a strong sense of groundedness in our own lives with our families and loved ones? Where's the balance of being a part of and receiving the many benefits that social media and technology has to offer us without being so readily available to the the world all of the time? Honestly, the only person I need or want to be THAT available to right now is my husband... and my child when he is born. That's it. I really have no need to keep myself so available all of the time. It's my opinion that the notion that I do is arrogant really. I don't know where this balance is but I'm growing desperate to find it. What I know for sure is that I need to turn off all notifications that come in through my phone and seriously limit myself to how much time I spend mindlessly lurking around social media sites. 

I love my friends and I am grateful for facebook in that it has allowed me to stay connected to some people and to reconnect and become friends with people who I might not have otherwise been connected to. I'm grateful for it, I'm just saying that it's served it's purpose. I'm also grateful for technology in geneeral. I'm just feeling like it occupies so much of my energy. 

So, lets talk. 

Give me a call. I'm OK with emailing. Just know that I am freeing myself of the sense of urgency/constant checking of it multiple times a day. And I can even be OK with occasional text messaging  for small, simple things but not for "conversations" and certainly not for anything of significance or importance. I'd honestly rather just talk.

I am SO guilty of all of these things and is my way of taking action to control the one aspect of it that I have the power to control and that's how I choose to use technology and to what extent which results in how available I allow myself to be. 

I honestly cannot tell you how many times I've looked at, checked or messed with my emails today or in any other given 24 hour period of time. Same thing with text messages although that might be a little less on the checking side of it... I do send them quicker than I check them. 

Deep breaths. Pulling more energy inward and minimizing the chaotic energy I'm responsible for creating and letting in around me. Small steps towards a deeper presence. That's all I want, really. I just want to be more present in the here now with those who are in front of me. 

And so it shall be...

Anicca.

Back in 2007, I took a vow of silence and entered into Goenka-ji's lineage of Vipassana Meditation. The course is a commitment. One takes a vow of silence in body, speech and mind for a solid 10 days, turning in all reading and writing materials as well as every piece of technology they might have shown up with. As if this were not intense enough, one also commits to cease, for the entire 10 days, any and all other forms of spiritual practice/prayer/meditation in all forms. While it's compatible, students are even asked to cease yoga asana, in an effort to still the mind and to be able to give full attention and full credit to the tradition of meditation at hand. Furthermore, one is asked to commit to the cessation of all physical forms of activity including but not limited to any and all exercise (walking is allowed) and all expressions of "self-pleasure".

It sounds militant perhaps but each person who shows up knows what is expected of them so the choice is theirs. A final commitment is asked on the evening post dinner, just before we "vow in" and make our first step into the mediation hall. The final commitment is that we do not, absolutely under no circumstances, leave the 10 day course in the middle of it for any reason. When I went, there were at least 2 people that I know of that couldn't handle it and were taken through a very slow exit process so that everyone was ensured that all mental, emotional and psychological windows that had opened up, could be properly "secured" before letting these individuals roam free in the world again.

It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life and I would certainly say that one has to be in the right place and right frame of mind in their life to be able to commit to such a thing of course. More so, one needs to be willing and able to have a long, cold and very quiet look at themselves in the mirror. For this reason, there is somewhat of a screening to make sure people who are depressed or have any kind of mental disordered not attend. While the external circumstances are extremely quiet, meditating for eleven hours a day (Yes, eleven.), for 10 days straight, can seem pretty damn loud in one's thinker if you know I mean.

Since having attended and learned this particular style of meditation (we spent the first 3 days preparing for the meditation with a different one mind you) as it was intended in it's original form and lineage (there are other ones out there that claim to be the same but lack the around the clock complete vow of silence which dilutes the teachings at best according to their origin and Goenka-ji himself), I have sent a few student-friends who inquired to experience it themselves. Because of how the teachings are passed on, my interests are not in trying to share what I learned through such in depth time, study and of course, application of practice then and since then, but I will share a few morsels of what I picked up from that time that have a direct impact of my life, more so now than ever before.

Every evening there was a "teacher's discourse" where the facilitator, one of Goenka's long time students, would play recordings of his and his teachings for us to apply over the next 24 hours. Even so, there were few words, very little talking or even instruction and hours and hours of time to "practice".

I can still hear the sound of his voice as he would so smoothly repeat, "Anicca...Anicca...Changing...Changing..."

This made such an impact on me during the course that I tattooed a reminder on my wrist.

One of the many languages of the Buddha was Pali. The course, for the most part, is in Pali. Anicca translates as "changing" much like Anitya in Sanskrit translates as "impermanence". For me, Anicca is my life's reminder that it's all changing. Be present, right now. The time IS Now. Nothing stays the same forever. It's sort of the proverbial string around the finger when I think about it that is always there whispering "remember...".

So many things are changing in my life right now. I have feelings about them but mostly I'm more in the seat of observation that ever before. Something happens when there's a deep knowing that it's time for change and/or that it's necessary. As I enter into my last week of regularly schedule public classes (see the previous post) so that I can take some much needed personal time over the next few months, I know that never again will my life as I have known and experienced it be the same. While tendency can be to put meaning of "good" or "bad" to such a thing, it's nowhere on my radar to do so, but there IS reflection.

I moved back to Austin in 2007 with a fire under my butt to make this work. I was committed to teaching yoga and to do so for a living, to become debt-free and to be able to have and do the things I wanted in life-travel the world on behalf of my "job" in particular. As life would have it, I did just that. By many standards (most importantly, personal ones), I created, from nothing but a dedicated heart, a successful career for myself. As a teacher-friend of mine once said about the upside to what we do, I was able to "live a rich man's lifestyle in traveling the world, making my own schedule and calling the shots" for the most part. I came here to do something, worked hard and accomplished pretty much all that I set out to do. Over the years there were re-evaluations of what it was that I thought I wanted or what I thought was important but at the end of the day, what truly mattered was accomplished and anything I can think of that was not, was all egocentric and meaningless when it comes to down to it anyway.

Knowing this, I let go. 
I say "thank you". 
And I rest.

Reflection is required for me to take a few deep breaths so that over the next few months I can sit in front of the alter of possibility that is the blank canvas of my life. Pictures are already being painted on this canvas and they include my new husband and our new home we are about to close on and move into; the very home I intend to give birth to child in and the very home a family will grow roots in. The details have yet to be filled in just as the colors of my reinvention have yet to reveal themselves but all in good time.

Anicca...
It's all changing.

As a long time student of yoga and a student first and foremost long before and long after being a teacher, I am reminded that there is more.

As I enter into my third trimester of pregnancy and begin to quiet the external dialog and open doors that have remained unopened into the invisible landscape of all that's true and possible in the sea of the illusions of thoughts, self-definitions, labels, new inspirations and aspirations and so much more, there's a little bit of uncertainty but for the first time ever, I'm without a sense of clinging or attachment.


"Anicca. Anicca. Changing. Changing." 

Every part of me is in expansion right now...

It's all new each day. I had incredible energy in my second trimester and I feel the shifts as I find myself closer and closer to birthing this baby but more than anything else, I just want to stop the external dialog and use other, more creative ways to express what I'm processing right now. There is a relief and a deep sense accomplishment almost in honoring this instinctual desire to take some personal time, retain some of the energy that I'm so use to giving and slow down a little bit now.

I'm excited about motherhood.
I'm excited to see my husband become, and grow as, a father.
I'm excited about recreating myself.
I'm excited about re-evaluating what's important and I want/need to be the best ME for myself and my family.
I'm excited to show up to my gifts, talents and creative juices in a new form with new and growing inspirations.
I'm excited about new direction, inspiration and purpose.

I'm excited that it's all changing. I'm just deeply reflective right now and growing more and more quiet at time goes on...and that's a good thing.

A Love Letter to my student-friends

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Since becoming pregnant, I had assumed I would teach up until the very end. Today is Monday, March 12th and I am 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant... and I now stand corrected on that self-made assumption.

Physically, I'm going pretty strong and have few discomforts and complaints.

While I definitely feel a big difference in energy and how my body feels today compared to how I felt during the heart of my second trimester, I'm doing well and am so grateful for having maintained this level of fitness through over a decade+ of yoga and 3+ years of CrossFit since long before becoming pregnant. It's helped me in so many ways throughout this pregnancy.

That said, so much has happened that I could not have expected nor planned for. I find myself telling my friends that this entire experience has been far more profound and so much deeper than one could ever imagine before actually being here in this place. About a month ago, there was a shift in the experience of this ever growing and changing body, seemingly overnight. And not too long after that, there was a definite energetic change that had me really wanting and needing to start pulling my energy back in for myself; desiring to speak less and become much more internal in an effort to quiet my mind in preparation for the many intense changes ahead.

For years, I felt defined as a yoga teacher. In truth, I was self-defined as such and it created a lot of pain and suffering for me. A few years ago, I began to explore the possibilities that I may very well be so much more than "just" a yoga teacher. I was determined to prove otherwise and began getting my feet wet as I danced with the unfamiliar and started exploring uncharted territory in the way of other abstract interests, aspirations, dreams and previously unidentified/unexercised gifts and talents. Today, I am so grateful for the work and self-inquiry I did during that time as I joyfully walk in the direction of making this transition out of the classroom and straight into answering the highest teaching calling of them all as I chant "YES!" the entire way.

 

While I am confident that this body could most definitely teach until the end as I had initially anticipated, I have decided to stop teaching my regular public classes as of the end of March.

The next few months are going to be an exciting time for my family. Beginning with our moving into our new home at the end of this month, then preparing the nursery for the arrival of our son shortly thereafter, followed by some much needed and welcomed personal time intended for grounding myself as I prepare to steep deeply in the yoga of motherhood.

My plans are continue strength training and practicing yoga as it continues to serve my body/mind/spirit extremely well through this beautiful (and often times, crazy) process and I most certainly intend to continue drawing inward while listening intently through a deepening meditation practice, re-exploring my music and doing more birth art.

I still have a few weekend offerings between now and my due date that I intend to fulfill (Nature willing :) and will continue to make myself available for a very limited number of private lessons. (My scheduled weekend workshops/expos can be found on the schedule page of my website.)


 

I am grateful and humbled for those who have supported my efforts in the Austin yoga community, nationally and abroad, those who continue to reach out and extend teaching invites, the studios who have stood by and have encouraged me to shine my light and undoubtedly, for those who have made ritual of our regular and ongoing practice together over the years.


 

Because my new focus will be shifted towards that of my family and my own student-ship, right now I have no idea as to if I will resume a "regular/weekly public class schedule" anytime soon. What I can share is that I have begun putting the intention out there to make myself available to continue teaching special offerings in the way of festivals, expos, retreats, teacher training and weekend workshops/clinics beginning sometime in the fall in some shape or form with an emphasis on a musical component + sharing it in the way of accompanying my yoga teacher-friends.

In Sanskrit there is a word, Anitya. In Pali, Anicca expresses the same meaning which translates as "changing" or "impermanence". As I sit in the unknown of what's ahead while feeling my creation kicking and swimming inside my beautifully round, full and expanding belly, what I trust is that It's all changing. I welcome the blessings, gifts and Grace that has been bestowed upon me and I look forward to riding the new waves of this wild and crazy-beautiful journey that is my life!

May we all be happy, peaceful and at ease.

May we all learn to recognize the Guru in its many, many forms.

May we remember to love the Light within ourselves as the all-inclusive love that it is rather than a dualistic notion as something outside of ourselves.

And may we always remember that this Light within ourselves is the very same Light that connects each and every one of us.

Infiniate blessings to you and yours,

Sanieh

Gratitude 35

I’m turning 35 tomorrow and I can hardly believe it. I have in my life everything my heart ever desired and there’s so much more ahead of me for this year alone…a baby, a new home and the start of our becoming parents.

I’ve never felt more grateful in my life as I have felt this past year. As it’s become a regular practice of mine, saying “thank you” daily, I thought I’d honor 35 years of trials, tribulations and triumphs by laying down 35 reasons I’m feeling so grateful these days.

I’m grateful for…

1.       1. My husband…I could write all day on how much his love has Changed.My.Life. and heart.

2.       2. My growing, healthy baby who resides in my womb

3.       3. My beautiful, loving and accepting mother and father in law

4.       4. An incredibly close relationship with my father and step mother

5.       5. Having everything we need and so much more

6.       6. Second chances

7.       7. My renewed trust in the unseen world

8.       8. My level of physical fitness

9.       9. My yoga practice

10.   10. An ongoing and growing meditation practice

11.   11. The Greenbelt; my church.

12.   12. My dog, Layla

13.   13. My good friend, Marvin who has housed and cared for my dog during this move transition

14.   14. Getting Layla back in my daily life again…much better than weekly life

15.   15. My health

16.   16. My ability to self-reflect

17.   17. Having my first child a little later in my life

18.   1. My voice and the gift of song/musical talent

19.   19. People who love me and have loved me when it wasn’t always easy to do so

20.   20. Possibilities. I’m so grateful for the blank canvas…

21.   21. Hindsight and reflection

22.   22. A growing peace of mind

23.   23. A growing belly

24.   24. The power of Choice

25.   25. My mother …and all who have mothered me in her absence over the years

26.   26. My Intuition

27.   27. The sound of my husband spinning his speed rope in the other room and his feet pounding the floor in action… it lets me know he is also in good health.

28.   28. Quiet mornings and cool, sunny days

29.   29. New Friends

30.   30. The new connection I have to some older ones because of motherhood

31.   31. Forgiveness

32.   32. My affectionate ways and being true to them

33.   33. Courage

34.   34. The recognition of God within myself rather than something separate from myself

35.   35. Grace

Nurturing the New, Young Garden.

“You have to have courage to love somebody. Because you risk everything. Everything.” ~ Maya Angelou

What happened was that we both stood up and looked around and found one another standing at the same time. I knew we were in alignment with one another, that he was a fit for my heart and that we were both in a space of what the Buddha might have called "right timing" that allowed us to show up to one another in a committed, loving, supportive and inspiring way. I once heard love described as acceptance. This is my relationship and partnership with this man; this is our new marriage and our love continues to be united, expansive, expressive and curious.

On Saturday, February 4th, one year from our very first date, we stood before a very intimate and meaningful group of 8 people and shared our own personal vows and promises to one another. Not to say that it's always been easy; anything worth having will pose its challenges but it *is always committed, communicative, honest, loving, forgiving and full of laughter.

I continue to stand in awe of how my life has turned out.  Knowing that it's only just begun in more ways than not, I am grateful beyond anything I could possibly convey using that of the spoken word.

More Changes.

Last week I was practicing yoga over looking the ocean almost every day and I continue to notice the little-big changes within my breath and practice. I am feeling strong in my body, at ease in my heart and spacious in my mind where I was once a pretty chaotic. On the days I don't, I come back to whatever it is I might have forgotten and I find the rest of myself there. I am more grateful for the years of hard work, discipline and even resistance in my yoga practice because after all of that, it's paying on when I need it most.

Saturday morning I drove to the studio only to find out the weekend schedule begins 30 minutes earlier than the weekday classes. I had already had a minor issue getting to the studio because my navigation system got choked up so having arrived on time even so and being locked out in the cold and longing for my yoga, I immediately I began to feel my body tense up. I headed back to the house, unrolled my mat and made use of a new 15 day trial on Yoga Glo (I do love a self-guided practice but sometimes it's nice being a student to the Graces of the Guru that flow through someone else).

Without saying the words, something within made sense of what I *did have and quickly improvised recognizing the need I had to get some energy flowing within my body. With a baby on the way, I have no idea what my days will look like which is exciting, scary and potentially overwhelming where uncertainty is involved so this is good practice for me.

Improvise.

Find a way.

Create "space" to take care of myself so that I can be the best I can be for those who I am committed to serving. Right now, that's my family. I am most committed to nurturing the seeds of my growing family and to do so, I recognize that I first have to take care not only of my basic and fundamental needs like nutrition and sleep; I also need to tend to my spiritual needs. I'm counting on new rituals and sequences to my day but it's important that I tend to this part of myself even so.

The Subtleties. 

My breath.
The expressions of my exhalations...

Everything is new.
Everything; every trace of movement and the sensation of each breath as it runs through my new body...
It's all so fresh and deliberate
So natural and satisfying.

Beginners Mind.

Self-Study (Sva-yaya).

Attunement.

What do I need? What do I really need in this moment? Through my "new" yoga practice, regardless of what it entails physically, I'm finding in my instinctive letting go and in my being OK in knowing that I am approaching foreign territory, what I need and how I need to use it arises on it's own.

It's all a reflection.
This is primal.
It's Nature.

This is perhaps some of the most rewarding and satisfying part of my changing practice at the moment. Something as simple as a change in the expression of my exhalation makes a wave across the entire experience of practice and as always, it spills off of the mat and into life.

The Observations.

In a writing stream of consciousness, I wrote this to a friend recently as an attempt to share the fundamental and foundational shift I'm experiencing right now...

Amazing how much this process of birthing a mother, father and family changes someone at their very core. Everything is changing and I'm not afraid. I have no idea what's ahead but it's my greatest blessing and I'm not afraid of it. My foundation as I've known it is dissolving and is recreating itself in every moment. My yoga and experience of the breath moving through my new, beautiful and expanding body is completely new and fresh and my everyday flow is soon to be completely changed yet I'm embracing the change. All of this pulls me closer to some people in my life and allows me to send my love and blessing and walk away from others. It's nature I suppose. It's change. Change IS Nature. And I'm deeply in love with every bit of this! 

Dear Spirit,
Help me to keep the eyes of my internal gaze open and my heart and resolutions strong. May I remember "beginners mind". May I remain open and attuned. May I remember that I chose this and therefore chose all that it entails. May I remember God in my breath and be grateful for it even in those moments where it may be harder to breathe. May the source of my love be known and my presence to all of my blessings be constant.
Amen.

Observations.

Within the experience of my senses there are full but delicate yellow and white carnations on the kitchen table, smells of double-whicked candles that fill the air, a soft metronome of the ticking clock on the wall and the bright yellow sunflower I painted that serves as my reminder of one of the most moving experience I've ever had all because someone discovered their gift and said "Yes!" in choosing to be fully self-expressed in developing and sharing it.

I hear my beloved in the other room as he prepares for his evening rituals while I continue to hum the lyrics, "Godspeed, little man" as if we were still singing and harmonizing as he strummed the lullaby on my guitar right next to me.

My body is becoming fuller, more beautiful than ever before and continues to shift and change as my belly, breasts and heart expand so that they can serve their very purpose...to be the lifeline for the growing pearl in my womb that I get to call my little baby boy; my child.

My heart is full, so full; fuller than ever before.
I feel grounded and anchored in purpose.
And I am with deep peace.

I feel strong, physically,
Empowered mentally
and
At One spiritually.

Everything is changing and it's all uncharted territory yet

I am calm,
full of trust
and driven by love.

This is my life.

And this is me, drinking my tea, witnessing the beauty and blessing in the simplicity that is my incredible, love-filled, grand and full life.

My Path of Practice

With the many changes taking place in my life, I have been cleaning out the drawers and shelves of my heart to reflect this change and to create room for all that will come with it.

The makeover of my blog, now titled Path of Practice, will echo the happenings going on in my heart and in my world through the most profound time of extreme life change coming from every direction. This time symbolizes a complete transition; an undoing of everything in my life as I've know it to be thus far in the most beautiful (sometimes crazy, sometimes stressful but always beautiful even so) ways. 

I have been privately documenting my journey in letters to my baby since the moment I knew I was pregnant which has inspired me to publicly document my experiences from another angle as walk this new life path and explore the ever-changing path of practice. Stay tuned...