Augmentation, Self-Acceptance & Defining Beauty

I have been confronted with many opportunities throughout my life to examine what beauty means to me. It’s easy for young women in the West to become body obsessed from a superficial, self-defining place instead of  a place of health, wellness and comfort within the skin we’ve been given.

I grew up around a woman who taught me that I was so much more than my body, my hair, my boyfriends or even my circumstances for that matter. I saw my mother walk confidently and be within her body with grace and ease never once declaring conversations about my weight or shape nor did I witness her speaking poorly of herself. Where there were changes to be made, they were made from a place within, never in search of anyone else’s approval. She was a fine example of beauty and grace through her actions. I believe she mindfully lived this way knowing that at the end of each day, I would be a student to the choices she would make much more than the words she would speak.

I had never looked down on myself with self-deprecating talk about my body. Never as a child, pre-teen or teenager did I judge or compare the size of my breasts or my hips with anyone else nor did I ever feel insecure about my body. Don't get me wrong, I had my own shit, but this was not one of them. I saw my mother be present to what she ate and  I saw her take a proactive interest in a healthy and active lifestyle.

I was 19 years young when a line was drawn in the sand and my perception was forever changed.

Impressionable as I was, I became self-defined by external sources; the men I dated to be specific. I will never forget the moment I gave a part of myself away named "self-confidence" when I aligned my vibration with his words.

“This breast is larger than that one and you’re bottom heavy.”

It was that same year that I got breast implants to “fix” what someone else perceived as my “imperfection.”

In my mind, I justified this augmentation because my mother had breast implants. I knew the truth but it wasn't until much later I would admit to myself that my mother was a grown woman with four children and well into her 30's when she made that call and in doing so, her decision had nothing to do with anyone else’s approval. Nothing had changed in the way she presented herself to me or to the world. 

Over the years I would struggled to make peace with the new additions in my body. While a perceived “great boob-job”, never did they feel natural in my body. As a matter of fact, I was always so acutely aware of the left one. That one in particular always felt so foreign in my body.

Enter Yoga.

As I showed up to yoga and began to develop and deepen my practice, I became more and more body aware as is the case with many practitioners. Over time, I became uncomfortable physically and became self-conscious of "them". There came a time when I looked into their removal but it wasn’t until 2005 that I actually scheduled an appointment at Vanderbilt Medical Center to finally remove the implants that tried so desperately to make a home in my body.

Almost nine years to the date, my perfectly healthy implants were removed and not a day has gone by that I have regretted that decision. I actually woke up from surgery crying saying “I feel better already.”

Today, with much smaller, all-natural breasts, I have never felt sexier, more feminine and at home in my body. This is the body I have been given and while I can never go back to what was, I feel more in touch, with complete body awareness and in union with the skin I live in.

On the most basic fundamental level, yoga teaches us to remember our  innate perfection and wholeness. There is nothing missing. Let me say that again...

THERE IS NOTHING MISSING.

Everything we ever needed to know we already know and everything we will ever need to go forward is inward. Sadly, somewhere along the way, we just forgot how complete we really are. But we have arrived fully equipped for the journey and I have my yoga practice to remind me of that and this testimonial as living proof.

My journey as a woman in what is often a very unrealistic, size-defining Western society is one that provides so many opportunities to define and redefine what beauty really looks like. One day, I hope to be an example to my children as to what real beauty is, where it comes from and what it actually looks like. Until then, I hope that I can be that for other women because the truth is this:

My inner light shines because I feel whole, strong, healthy and at home in this body. That wholeness is not dependent on the size of my breasts or the size of my ass. My light has not dimmed because I just cut 12 inches off what was my long hair. That light just caught fire because doing so liberated me on the inside. My light shines like a bonfire in the desert moon-lit sky because I choose what defines me and I have made a home within the costume of this body I was born into. As a result, I have learned to love every last scar from the choices I have made all along the way
... and I've learned to honor them as reminders of the battles I have fought and won.

The Undiscovered & Unexamined Gifts

"Inaction is the greatest risk of all." Tim Ferriss

I believe in my soul that we all have gifts. I believe in my bones that we have all been blessed with these gifts in one way or another. In some forms, like a child prodigy in the way of music or art for example, these gifts are obvious. For some, like Micheal Jordan who got cut from his middle school basketball team then later became one of the world's greatest basketball players of all time, the gift is there but needs some work.

I have been considering my gifts; my under developed and unexamined gifts both recognized and the ones I have no idea that exist. Here are my thoughts:

We must train our gifts. Some of these blessing, I believe, actualize themselves in a tangible way. The talent is just there. In other ways however, I believe our gifts reveal themselves in our longing itself. The way author Carolyn Myss describes in one of her books...Anatomy of Spirit I believe it was, there is a seed that was planted long ago when we crossed that river before we were born into this world after having chosen the family we were to be born into to live the life that would need to live to learn the lessons we would need to learn to come into *full* self realization. With this, I have found myself looking at those longings, at the obvious potential in the way of certain talents no matter how undeveloped and have found myself sort of seeking out those talents and gifts I've been oblivious to.

When I look at music for example I realize that to someone who is not musically inclined, they might feel that I have some real talent. Being musically inclined however, and I don't say this from a self-defeating place mind you, I can see where I lack some skill and where I, dare I say, am not skilled enough to pursue it in a professional way...to the degree that I view "professional" anyway. Now before you jump my shit, give me a moment to explain. I say this from a place of accountibility. I realize this is one of my gifts. My longing and musically inclined ability is a blessing I've been given but it's one I have leisurely worked on and have trained next to not at all. Some people come out of the womb with the ability and skill. I have been given the talent but it's up to me to exercise that talent.

Everyone is on the ball field but not everyone is playing the game.

We are all Graced with talents, gifts and blessings but often they are nothing but longings that require time and attention. Just as a professional (fill in the blank) trains for their big event, they train it. They train the skill. First the longing, then the potential is discovered (maybe) but then the skill; the craft must be trained.

So as I prepare to go into the studio this summer for a recording project I've sat on for 2 years, I find myself in a process with a fierce determination to uncover the hidden talents, gifts and blessings I've been Graced with. I am going to put more of my energy into following what the Tantrikas yogins call, the Spanda or the creative and very ALIVE pulse and creativity within us all. I'm going to see what I find there.

If for no other reason, discovering, exercising and developing our talents and longings make us feel more fulfilled resulting in our being better people in the world for having done so.

At the end of my day, when I am in my final breaths as I'm surround by the people who make my heart tick, I need to know there was no stone left unturned and no wrapped gifts in the bag left undiscovered and unopened.

Small Life vs Big life

I attended my very first Yoga Teacher Training with the Living Yoga Program where my roommate for the 10-day, 100 hour segment portion of the training was a gal named Gwen Bell who would later become a huge social media sensation (no really... she made the Forbes list for Most Influential Women in Technology and she's far younger than I. Ironically, she no longer considers herself a social media strategist and has goals of a permanent digital sabbatical...including email of course). Over the years I have been in touch with Gwen on and off and have followed her blogs and website (which has been totally revamped and simplified with far less content including a lot of bragging rights she has earned through her fierce dedication to her ever changing work in the world) as well as her twitter (nearly 18,000 faithful followers) and I continue to be inspired by the way she lives her life.

Those who know me well, I mean really well know that I consider myself a modern day renunciate to the point of regularly cleaning out my life of un-necessary tangible and materialistic items. Simply stated, I don't like stuff just for the sake of having stuff. Furthermore, I have to love it to buy it if it's $5 or $500. To me, I find it wasteful is something does not serve a purpose (and that purpose might be simply to have something beautiful to look at that inspires me but even so, same rules apply). I don't know where this began but I'm pretty sure it was when I was married, in the process of preparing for a divorce I intuitively knew was coming and needed to happen. I remember looking at the stack year books that had belonged to my mother that I somehow ended up with, calling a friend and asking "Am I a horrible person if I toss these in the dumpster?" I also remember the relief in the realization that my mother herself would have stood there had she been alive and said to me, "Baby girl... if you are feeling bogged down because of those books or anything else, through that shit out!" And that's exactly what I did.

Ever since that moment, I have owned that part of myself to the point that when I start to feel crazy in my head, it's likely that I am surrounding myself by a bunch of un-necessary shit that clutters my life and mind. It might be people who drain me or it might be un-necessary random shit that serves no purpose or has any real use what so ever. All of this to say, I've got nothing on Gwen in comparison.

I'm actually not comparing here, just using Gwen as a term of measure actually. She's much more of a renunciate than I.

She was being interviewed and was asked the question as to when and why she got off of Facebook. Of the 3-page interview I read, it was her answer to this question that really got me thinking.


I quit Facebook when I realized it made my life smaller, not bigger. That was December 2010. I went through about a week of withdrawal and haven't  returned.

This got me thinking, "how are my choices contributing to a smaller life rather than the bigger one I want to be living?"


I'll be taking a deeper look at my life as to where I can simplify to expand, where I can clean and clear out so that there is more room to grow and I'll be taking inventory on what I can let go of in every aspect of my life. I like to do this often but as I am in a big, beautiful and exciting shift in my life, I am preparing for a larger "semi-annual" big clearing if you will.

I choose the bigger life. I choose to act in a way that supports creating that bigger life. I choose to make changes where I feel there is clutter in my life mentally, emotional and literally because I know the result creates a clutter-free spiritual life. I want to be the best I can be for myself and when I am at my best, my light shines its brightest for the people I love and surround myself with.


It's never crowded along the extra mile. -Dr. Wayne Dyer

March/April Wisdom.

My personal epiphanies, thoughts and "notes to self" I've learned and realized the last few months. All words in quotes were morsels of love and wisdom shared with me.

*I said "My light feels dim right now." He said "Then let me give you some of mine."

Love.Trumps.All.

*It's true that it's never too late. But waiting until later may mean that the process takes a hell of  lot longer and is a hell of a lot harder.
*Create and check in with goals and intentions often. Take note of what has been accomplished, what has changed and what is no longer as important as you once thought it was.

*"There is no room for embarrassment or shame in an honest effort that results in failure."

*At the end of the day, no matter what you have done in your life or what others have perceived as a full life well lived, YOU must be content and proud of YOURSELF. A fine line between being contempt and being complacent. A fine line between forward movement towards reaching and exhausting your fullest potential and never being satisfied, beating yourself up and never giving yourself the credit you deserve.

*There is no greater defeat or disappointment than that defeat and disappointment you can feel within yourself. And even that...ESPECIALLY that, deserves fierce understanding, forgiveness and compassion.

*Check yourself often.
*You CAN do it.
*Everyone has a different lot in life. No wish for anyone else's lot. Live yours with purpose even when you're uncertain of its purpose.
*What you see is not always what you get.
*You are strong, beautiful and powerful.
*Don't wait until last minute to take the online defensive driving course.
*Pay attention to the newly updated online defensive driving course or you'll be retaking it.
*When they keep coming back. You're doing something right.
*Be an encourager.
*Success is relative.
*Open communication wins every time.
*Patience.
*Trust.
*Be kind always.

The Original Possibility

Antone's in Austin,TX October 2002

When I attended the Landmark Forum and Landmark Advanced Course last year, I became aware of the term Possibility in terms of using it as means to explain what is possible...what was always possible. It was through this educational seminar that I got just how much we get caught up in our past, our fears of *so many things and whether or not we believe we are worthy or OK within ourselves and in the eyes of others. I realized on a very deep level just how often we create boundaries and ideas of what we train ourselves to believe is and is not possible. I don't want to get into my attempt to explain in any more in detail as that would do both the courses and a reader a huge dis-service but I highly encourage everyone I know to attend these life changing courses when they come through a city near you.

I don't remember how it came to me but I started thinking about the original possibility in my life; the first big dream/vision I had for myself and in doing so, I started to think about where I lost it.

For me, being a singer/songwriter was my original possibility.

Photo: May 28th, 2007

It wasn't really encouraged or supported but I wasn't banned from it or anything either. I have books full of songs I've written since the first one I wrote when I was 17 shortly after my mother was killed. While it wouldn't be my first choice of expression today, its title is tattooed on my ankled, but that's beside the point.

I use to sing in the choir (somewhere I have a VHS tape of myself and a guy named Dustin singing "After All" by Peter Cetera and Cher...ohh memories...) and with my mother as she played the piano in the living room. I've sung at the legendary Antone's here in Austin opening up for Jr. Brown

Antone's in Austin, TX October 2002

and was featured on the former Warner Brother's channel singing a tribute to the September 11th Anniversary. I've been in the recording studio (one of the best in Austin) with support of some of Austin's best to make a record quality demo CD that would eventually shopped by Arista, Sony Dallas and others. It was a totally different time for musicians back then but I was given opportunities that many work their entire lives towards and on a few occasions, I walked away from them as my life called for different necessary experiences I had to go through.

It wasn't until later on that I got my first guitar (I'm on my third currently) and while I'm not great at it by any means; to someone who doesn't play at all, they might think I could play well or at least that I know what I'm doing (I know very little, lets be honest!). Perception...

While I don't claim to be the best vocalist in the world, the way I feel when I use my voice with creativity and passion from my heart is unexplainable. I use to dream of the big stage but these days, I get so much pleasure out of sitting on my office floor working on new songs or putting my flavor on a cover and I do so in the company of only my dog. Rarely do I share these personal stories that have made their way through my hands, heart and mouth and when I do I quietly begin by humming, then I pretend its just my dog, myself and my story and my mouth opens and I set aside the fear of judgment and I let it out. When the song ends, I bashfully put the guitar down, smile at any commentary and move on about my day.

Being a singer/songwriter; my original possibility.

Somewhere along the way, it got lost.
But inside...
it never died.

What was your original possibility?
What would a resurrection look like in your life today?
How 'bout it?

What's in a Goal?

In response to the "talent search" (and the enormous controversy over it) currently being put on by Yoga Journal Magazine, I've been thinking a lot about goals.

It was last year when I wrote about re-assessing some of my goals. I wrote about how some of them had changed, some were no longer important to me, some I had already accomplished and some were just straight lame and served nothing more than the inflated ego; so I adjusted my goals accordingly. What I didn't say out loud was that being on the cover of Yoga Journal Magazine had been, at one time, one of my "goals" until I realized that I don't believe a "goal" should really be a goal at all if attaining/meeting it didn't involve something I actually had power over creating or turning into a reality. More simply stated, if the outcome/end result itself is not within my power, I'm thinking it's not something I want to call a "goal".

For a moment, I found myself getting energetically caught up in the hype and more recently as there's been several heated public debates about it in the local yoga community and beyond.

So with all of this swirling around and being a part of "talent search" (if you have no idea what i'm talking about, click here: http://talentsearch.yogajournal.com/view/1028 ) it was nice to recall that while it might be a "goal" for some it's not for me. It is something I would do if it were offered to me of course, but A goal, no.

This brings me to my point.


What's in your GOAL?

Are you really in control of the outcome?
If so, power on. If not it might be something to think about.

Don't get me wrong. I'd love to be in the world's largest yoga magazine in terms of the size of international distribution...certainly couldn't be a bad thing for business especially knowing they do nothing without calculation in the way of who is in the magazine, why and when as they should. They are a business too, after all. But the difference is this: I realize that I do not have the power to make it happen by "skill" or hard work unlike a different goal such as competing in triathlons for example. While my body is conditioned and disciplined in the way of yoga asana we are taught that there is no hierarchy within it. So while some postures are more complicated or "advanced" in nature, one does not have higher value nor does any one bring us closer to being a good person in the world than the next. I trained for triathlons, worked to improve my time, endurance and distance and was able to fulfill the goal(s) based on my own merits, efforts and hard work.

While the *art as I prefer to call it, does involve skill and technicality, I'm torn on calling yoga a "talent" unless we are talking strictly physical and if so, we should have a backbending competition or something  to which case would be gymnastics or a "Cirque" experiment and not yoga. This post isn't about the details of what differentiates these distinctions so I'll save it but again, I get it. Like I said, it's a business and if you know anything about this particular business, you might be impressed that it's being extended to the "real" yoga community so if nothing else this is worth silencing some of the negative speak. Up front the entry form asked those who intended to enter not to use their most fabulous "advanced" posture... they suggested using one the  participant felt they fully embodied and were comfortable in ... one that they felt they had "mastered".

Having been at one of their major conferences and having attended the Shakti Panel that included the editor, my teacher, Shiva, Judith HL and Seane Corn, this very topic came up. So I've been there and have heard the source address the topic of "pretty people" and "famous" people being on the cover and within the pages and their justification for it all. Some of it sounded legit, some, well, I questioned but I'm not inside the business yet I understand that it IS business therefore I have respect and an understanding that yoga itself is a business as well like it or not. I teach yoga full-time and for a living. If you teach yoga for a living you get the business element that the next person who teaches on the side to get their Zen on might not fully understand or see. That's not an insult by any means. I'm only stating fact that when your ass is on the line you have multiple aspects invested.

Unfortunately, like any business it's not always pretty and recently that has come to life in many public strings of unproductive opinions and statements being tossed around into the ether. I'm a FAN of people speaking their truth when it's unpopular and controversial. I quite like it actually and don't think there's enough of this bold honesty *especially in the world of yoga. Being a yogin doesn't mean being a doormat and it sometimes calls for unleashing something fierce when it's uncomfortable. So I have such respect for those who are willing to put themselves out there and am fascinated by this debate where it's actually productive. That said, because I've seen anger within the world of yoga, it's important to be clear on who you are angry or upset with.

I would love to see real people in the way of different body types and certainly fresh faces of every day yogins (teachers and students alike) who are out in the world making a difference locally, appear on the cover and within the magazine. So if this is the way to make that happen, them maybe it's something to consider and support even if it is a voting contest disguised as a "talent search". I do think it's important to determine how much weight is being put into this from the standpoint of those who are in the big running pool and of those voting alike...and yes, those who are put off by it as well. There are so many different angels to consider here.

This whole discussion has me wondering what it is, as a society and culture, we put our value into. What is a healthy goal? I'm making no secret of the fact that I would love to be in the magazine and it might be an accomplishment ("fulfillment of desire") but I fully understand the basis of the process. It would certainly be a honor but it's not my "skill" or "talent" that would make it happen, its public votes...and that's OK but lets call a spade a spade and not for a second let our egos convince us otherwise. I wish the same for my peers. I'm grateful to be known and recognized in my yoga community and I hold that with humility and want to support my peers and the wonderful teachers around me and certainly those teachers who might be under the radar and not as well known. In doing so, I encourage them all to put themselves out there in this way because with the international big fish publications and local ones alike, it may very well be the only means to highlighting "real world", everyday yogins who are out there changing lives, and doing it every day.