So I've shared about my attempts to sort of "make up for the past" in that I was not a driven child or teen (see first entry...). I was definitely encouraged but I didn't ever have anyone sitting over my shoulder whispering in my ear that I could be or do anything I wanted in and with my life. It was always there I'm sure, it just wasn't rubbed into my consciousness on a regular basis.
I grew up living with 3 brothers and during the summer, there were 3 step brothers who were also there so it was always a full house. I fell right in the middle and being the only girl, I suppose I got a few special privilges but with this also came some extra ass kicking for sure. I remember being in high school and having the chore of mowing the front lawn which to this day, I never quite understood given the birthing circumstances. The man who raised me, who I love dearly and have what I would say is a very beautiful and honest relationship with today, didn't so much know what to do with a little girl, and admittedly, during those years I didn't make it easy for anyone either.
On most days, I would get in my car after sleeping in way longer than I should have to make it to class on time, go to the tanning salon (yes, I know...shameful. What's more shameful is that people actually still keep them in business!) and by the time I finished, everyone would be gone for work so I would often walk back in the door and find something to do with my day totally nonconstructive and usually inappropriate. It's seems like so long ago (because it was) but I'm pretty sure the only class I showed up for regularly in high school the last year before my mother died was choir. I loved to sing. I still do to this day.
Before I moved to Hawaii in 02, I had the great fortune of making a record quality CD that was shopped by Sony and Arista records in Dallas and listened to by a few select top execs in the industry. If I'm being completely honest, I just happen to know the right people who were well connected, believed in me, and convinced others to see their vision. Next thing I knew I was singing on the WB sponsored commercial during the September 11th Anniversary and opening for Jr. Brown at Antone's here in Austin. It was an amazing time in my life. My manager at the time shared with me just how small of a percentage I had fallen into by the opportunities I was standing in during this time.
"Most artists work their entire lives and are never even heard."
It's true. And what's crazy is that there was one specific action I took that made it all happen...well, that aside from ongoing preparation. One day, I put a blank tape (yes, tape) in my boom box, grabbed a microphone and sang "Take it to the Limit" by the Eagles A Capella. I put it in an envelope and dropped it off in the right person's mail box and everything just rolled from there.
It's true that I have had some really incredible opportunities in my lifetime. Some that would likely have judgements slapped all over them by some people, but still incredible experiences that shaped my life and some that I can laugh at none the less.
When I think about the things I've wanted badly enough in my life, there was not a one of them that I didn't get to experience. What I've realized about myself over the course of some intense self-study this last year in particular is that there are 3 habitual patterns in my mindset that both serve and hurt the possible outcomes of experiences in my life.
1)I tend to make really big, important decisions quickly and with conviction; Unwaivering after the decision has been made.
2)I sometimes allow the smaller, more trivial decisions to take up too much of my time and energy.
3)I've been know to make quick decisions without having a backup plan, sometimes putting myself in an undesirable position (these decisions are emotional ones; sometimes serving me, sometimes not) simply to prove a point if I feel violated or pushed beyond a boundary in anyway.
Seeing and understanding this about myself has given me insight to who I am as an individual and who I show up as in the world. It's an insight that I came to on my own and so it's always there lingering, for me to call on so that I can check in to see from which place I am making a decision.
So as I explore the possibilities of many new things in my life, I've found myself in a place of questioning only those aspects within myself that tell me "I can't". Had I told myself I couldn't sing or that my way of getting my voice into an important person's hand was crazy, likely, I wouldn't have had the experiences that came with it. This way of thinking has really opened up my life on a whole new level...living in a state of belief that it's ALL possible. It always was, I just created too many false reasons and limitations around why I felt things were not. I short changed myself. I played small with my life. So now, I'm ready to play loudly. I'm ready to get dirty. The only focused question I'm giving myself permission to dwell in now (because I know that like to try to figure things out which again, serves me sometimes and other times, not so much ) is why NOT me?!
So, here's an update of things I'm owning, doing, stepping into the possibility of... because I CAN.
~College. The most important thing in my life right now...and the preparation is intense and time consuming! Who knew you couldn't just show up and say "I'm here! I'd like to go to college now!" like I did :) I'll be legit and official on November 8th, after I register for my classes as a "new student"...so I'm still counting this one :) I'm MOST excited about this and it has my full attention because it will be one of the biggest accomplishments in my life.
~Being the kind of person who others feel loved, encouraged and supported by. This is innate for me (perhaps for us all...) when I'm completely out of the space of fear (fear= insecurity, intimidation, down playing, gossip, being a "hater", etc...). I want to stand so fully in being that person who is missed after she leaves...because of the way my BEING makes others feel about THEMSELVES honestly and authentically.
~Getting paid to write. I need not wait for a college degree or for someone to come running towards me with validation of my potential to make this happen. "Become by doing".
~Being in a fulfilling "partnership" of my choosing powered by trust, love, respect and inspiration. I'm in a really great place in my life; one that has had me in an intense and realistic mode of self-study and doing the work. I have no power over anyone else or their actions but I have all the power in the world for who and what I show up as for other people I choose to have in my life. Being open and receptive to that which I've claimed and boldly stated I'm open to and ready for has been a part of peeling back layers I didn't even know were there... ultimately preparing me for readiness. My blessing is in my ability to strongly feel and endlessly love; withholding that is not an option in my life.
SO... my intention here is to boldly and bravely write more as means to continue to free my thoughts, creativity and personal expression in the world through the proverbial pen and written word. I've got a few other posts started, it just takes me some time to get them to where I want them to be before posting because it's all changing for me so quickly! It's a blessing to BE right now and I'm grateful for every person in my life new and established because they all continue to be walking, breathing, living teachers to me by simply being who they are on their own paths.
It's approaching 9am on this beautiful Fall morning and it's getting to be about that time to roll out. I'm actually excited to clean my office today, work with a few ladies in private lessons, get outside in the Nature Shala, see some familiar faces at the Dharma photo shoot, celebrate with friends at Lauran and Evan's engagement/departure party, and whatever other surprises this weekend may have in store for me :)
Today is a good day.
The inspiration that is Fall has arrived :)
All Love,
sanieh
When I think about the things I've wanted badly enough in my life, there was not a one of them that I didn't get to experience. What I've realized about myself over the course of some intense self-study this last year in particular is that there are 3 habitual patterns in my mindset that both serve and hurt the possible outcomes of experiences in my life.
1)I tend to make really big, important decisions quickly and with conviction; Unwaivering after the decision has been made.
2)I sometimes allow the smaller, more trivial decisions to take up too much of my time and energy.
3)I've been know to make quick decisions without having a backup plan, sometimes putting myself in an undesirable position (these decisions are emotional ones; sometimes serving me, sometimes not) simply to prove a point if I feel violated or pushed beyond a boundary in anyway.
Seeing and understanding this about myself has given me insight to who I am as an individual and who I show up as in the world. It's an insight that I came to on my own and so it's always there lingering, for me to call on so that I can check in to see from which place I am making a decision.
So as I explore the possibilities of many new things in my life, I've found myself in a place of questioning only those aspects within myself that tell me "I can't". Had I told myself I couldn't sing or that my way of getting my voice into an important person's hand was crazy, likely, I wouldn't have had the experiences that came with it. This way of thinking has really opened up my life on a whole new level...living in a state of belief that it's ALL possible. It always was, I just created too many false reasons and limitations around why I felt things were not. I short changed myself. I played small with my life. So now, I'm ready to play loudly. I'm ready to get dirty. The only focused question I'm giving myself permission to dwell in now (because I know that like to try to figure things out which again, serves me sometimes and other times, not so much ) is why NOT me?!
So, here's an update of things I'm owning, doing, stepping into the possibility of... because I CAN.
~College. The most important thing in my life right now...and the preparation is intense and time consuming! Who knew you couldn't just show up and say "I'm here! I'd like to go to college now!" like I did :) I'll be legit and official on November 8th, after I register for my classes as a "new student"...so I'm still counting this one :) I'm MOST excited about this and it has my full attention because it will be one of the biggest accomplishments in my life.
~Being the kind of person who others feel loved, encouraged and supported by. This is innate for me (perhaps for us all...) when I'm completely out of the space of fear (fear= insecurity, intimidation, down playing, gossip, being a "hater", etc...). I want to stand so fully in being that person who is missed after she leaves...because of the way my BEING makes others feel about THEMSELVES honestly and authentically.
~Getting paid to write. I need not wait for a college degree or for someone to come running towards me with validation of my potential to make this happen. "Become by doing".
~Being in a fulfilling "partnership" of my choosing powered by trust, love, respect and inspiration. I'm in a really great place in my life; one that has had me in an intense and realistic mode of self-study and doing the work. I have no power over anyone else or their actions but I have all the power in the world for who and what I show up as for other people I choose to have in my life. Being open and receptive to that which I've claimed and boldly stated I'm open to and ready for has been a part of peeling back layers I didn't even know were there... ultimately preparing me for readiness. My blessing is in my ability to strongly feel and endlessly love; withholding that is not an option in my life.
SO... my intention here is to boldly and bravely write more as means to continue to free my thoughts, creativity and personal expression in the world through the proverbial pen and written word. I've got a few other posts started, it just takes me some time to get them to where I want them to be before posting because it's all changing for me so quickly! It's a blessing to BE right now and I'm grateful for every person in my life new and established because they all continue to be walking, breathing, living teachers to me by simply being who they are on their own paths.
It's approaching 9am on this beautiful Fall morning and it's getting to be about that time to roll out. I'm actually excited to clean my office today, work with a few ladies in private lessons, get outside in the Nature Shala, see some familiar faces at the Dharma photo shoot, celebrate with friends at Lauran and Evan's engagement/departure party, and whatever other surprises this weekend may have in store for me :)
Today is a good day.
The inspiration that is Fall has arrived :)
All Love,
sanieh
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