"If you don't know where your area of service is, go to your wounds. Not only are you serving, but you're healing yourself."
I can still see the joy and excitement on her face as she told the story. She was driving across the country to visit her parents in that little sports car as a convoy of semi trucks were passing by. One of them slowed down enough so that she could get right in the middle of them and sail her way along the interstate. She just thought that was the coolest thing ever.
There have been two life events that have literally changed me on an alchemical level. The first was the death of my mother, 20 years ago on May 13th, and becoming a mother just over 18 years later. I was 17 when I lost my mother and it came full circle when I gave birth and became a mother myself in 2012...the very year that would make my having lived my life longer without her than I did with her a reality. It's pretty surreal when I think about that. The imprint of her Being, her Love...just HER has remained such a potent energy in my life and my body.
I spent the first 10 years after she died trying to be her and the next 10 trying to honor her in learning to just be myself. In my experience, it doesn't get "easier with time." It's not like you ever wake up missing, thinking about, longing for or loving your mother any less no matter how long its been or how love-filled and truly blessed your life is. It doesn't really get easier. It just changes.
She was beautiful. She was vibrant. She was Graceful. She loved Stevie Ray Vaughan, Steve Vai and Don Henley. She was truly the person who made others better for having known her. She left the fragrance of her Love and Light everywhere she went and when she left her body, immediately, she was deeply missed by all who knew and loved her.
On this 20 anniversary milestone, I thought about starting a foundation or a camp for other mother-less daughters like myself. I thought to call it Patricia's Hope in recognition that it was her hope I'd grow into an empowered, confident, and Graceful woman. For those of us who had to find a way and teach ourselves how to become women, wives and mothers without our own mothers in real time, Patricia's Hope could bring us all together so that those of us who struggled on our own could help shepherd the new generation who are trying to find their way on the motherless path today.
What's for certain is that I'm opening to feeling my Earth mother's presence in the way I never really felt until very recently. She's so clearly been with me me in the last few months and I'm learning to dwell in her love there when I miss her most. It's taken me a lot of years to get to this place, wherever it is on the motherless journey. All I know is that grief still lives here and comes to the table sometimes and that's okay. I imagine it always will. But so does Love and feeling my mother's arms wrapped around me again for the first time in 20 years.