Memoir in Three.

I read about this exercise that helps writers uncover details of their lives by picking 10 years and writing about it. The catch? Use three word sentences. For years, I've wanted to write a book but the aim of that book has died, been reborn and changed many times as my life has. This is a little more than the last 10 years of my life, out of order and less some specifics, parts and people but it is honest, at times a little messy and a reflection of my vulnerability.

I began writing this several weeks ago and would come back, reread and add to it. I intend to spend more time with this kind of writing, focusing on condensed periods of my life. To be honest, I don't know proper writing organization nor would I win a spelling bee. I can get wordy and I have an incredible ability to create run on sentences for days on end but I can write from the heart and do so in a way that is very conversational as if we were sitting together having tea. :)

I write to clear my head and to organize my thoughts and the experiences that have made a home in my heart (and everywhere else in my body for the matter). I also write with hopes that through sharing my experiences, someone out there can find some healing for themselves. Writing helps me get to the heart of some of my experiences in life. I hope that the unfolding of my life, through the written word, can be evidence that in the end, it all works out.

Maybe I'll end up getting the memoir written one day after all.

Before and after. Then and now. Life in words. Tell a story. Not just any. But YOUR story. In three words. Three words Only. Ready set go.

Who was I? A yoga teacher. An only daughter. A motherless daughter. An only sister. A middle child. Bunch of brothers. One parted ways. Was his decision. Had to forgive. "Let it go." Lots to forgive. Lots to admit. Lots of anger. Anger lasted years. Heart was broken. He blamed me. I was young. So very young. Took me years. To stop personalizing. Not about me. His own karma. Much easier now. Then the truth. Found out truths. Many many truths. Deceptions and lies.Truths about Dad. Love my dad. Still love him. Despite the secrets. Mom never told. Then she died. Death defined me. The "story" did. This lasted years. What a mess. So many secrets. Had difficulties coping.  I'm a secret. She could've shared. She should've shared. Tried to protect. Would've hurt less. Little less shock. But she didn't. Lies create lies. Secrets create lies. Finally moved on. Met another brother. Brand new brother. 10 years older. A loving brother. Loves and accepts. We share eyes. Name is Mike. Big brother Mike. We've moved on. From the lies. From the secrets. Had to forgive.  Healing is crucial. Forgiveness saves lives. Mistakes are made. Lies are told. Still must forgive. I'll never understand. As a mom. But I've forgiven. Really have forgiven. Even the deceased. Only love now. 

How about yoga? There was yoga. Ohhh the yoga. I was humble. Yoga was grounding. What is this? Who was I? "What is Namaste'? " "Read the sign." Loved my teacher. Very first teacher. Tried to meditate. "Are there colors?" She said no. No more meditation. No more colors.  No inflated ego. Just self-discovery. Just my curiosity. Things were fresh.  Moved to mainland. Bounced around some. Started teaching yoga. Was quite bendy. Slowly became strong. Met another teacher. "Studied studied studied." Slowly grew ego. Ego hurt heart. Heart still recovering. Yep, from ego. Only different now. Self-defining ego. Self-defining bullshit. I was "teacher". Such a joke. Self-defined teacher. Forgot about student. The student within. Became pretty bored. Became pretty self-absorbed. Became very frustrated. Frustrated with students. Not just self. But outside students. Saw it happening. Had to crash. Hard hard fall. Had to fall. Not really recommended. Was my path. Wouldn't change path. Death by ego. Harmful Inflated ego. Creates false seeing. Creates false everything. 

Ohh before that...Lived in Austin. Moved to Hawaii. I got married. Didn't have "marriage". Just the title. Much to young. Both of us. Moved to TN. Moved to Clarksville. Then got divorced. Moved to Nashville. Major life changes. Got a "job". Hated that job! Then another breakup. Got very depressed. Slept on floor. Darkness for days. 3 days specifically. Then heard birds. While on floor. Birds at night? Singing at night? Wrote about it. Just like light. Light in darkness. Got off floor. Took a shower. Met with Daphne. Gave me peonies. Love peonies now. Met Dr. Robin. Went twice weekly. "Challenge irrational beliefs!!" Never forgot that. Never forget that. Never forget myself. Thank you, Robin. 

Then what happened? 

Went to Vipassana. 10 days straight. 11 hours daily. Silence and mediation. 10 straight days. No eye contact. No spoken words. Absolute self-study. Silence Silence Silence. Body, speech, mind. First time ever. All in nature. It was perfect. Back to meditation. Didn't see colors. But saw soul. Soul was injured. Remembered some things. Didn't want to. We're all healing. 

Often felt separate. "Separation is illusion". Was never separate. Just got lost. Didn't love self. Didn't *know Love. Didn't know *self. Didn't know *how. Lived in "stories". World's biggest judge. Judge of self. World's biggest critic. Critic of self. Abused my body. Recklessly abused body. Abused my intuition. Didn't honor intuition. Felt a fake. Felt a hypocrite. Wore many "OM"s. Wore many malas. "Aren't I legit? See my malas? See my website? See my backbend? I'm a teacher. See my photographs? See the magazines?" Me me me. Sanieh was lost. Sanieh...who's Sanieh? Slowly started realizing. Path is inward. "Definition" isn't external. Truth isn't backbends. "Yogini" isn't malas. Truth is Love. Nothing else matters. All is Love. Whatever that means.  Seriously, just Love. Am still comprehending. Want to know. Letting "it" go. Biggest karmic work. LET GO, SANIEH. To be realized. Fully fully realized. To teach son. Teach through being. Still not there. At my potential. Not there yet...

Am growing though...

Then met Jeff. We just clicked. Timing finally right. For us both. For *someone right. Had some healing. Had some forgiveness. Not complete yet. Mostly inward stuff. But much better. We both knew. We both grew. He loved me. He told me. I told him. We both loved. I thanked God. Who was God? Jeff showed me. Didn't mean to. But he did. Never was alone. Never was forgotten. Was Always loved. Loved by God. God inside me. Not separate God. Not outside God. God within me. He teaches that. "He" meaning Jeff. Doesn't mean to. Doesn't even know.  But he does. Love him so. Still searching though. Searching for God. Makes no sense. No "search" needed. God is there. In my everything. Always been there. Still absorbing this. Still digesting it. May take time.  Is "Love" God? Maybe Loves' God.

"Oh My Goddess". "Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!". I couldn't speak. Sat on toilet. Covered my face. Literally, 20 minutes. Couldn't speak words. Only spoke tears. "Oh my God". Was *this God? In my belly? Always wanted motherhood. Started to wonder. He held space. "Gonna be PARENTS!" He said whispering. I'll never forget. I was terrified. Wanted it though. Was still terrified. Motherless daughter here. Wondered, "Could I?" Knew I could. But was sad. Wanted MY mom. Was "story" defined. Worked through that. Very different now. Am still sad. On some days. Am also strong. On most days. And I remember. Its all perfect.

Jeff proposed marriage. At Yoga Vida. On his mat. Where we practiced. In the mandala. "Help with handstand?" But no handstands. On his knee. Gave me kisses. Still was clueless. Then a ring. Made for me. I said "Yes". Vic freaked out. Quite funny, really :) We married there. AT Yoga Vida. Couldn't believe it.  I cried hard. Finally my turn. "I choose you." Giant Ganesha Altar. On yoga mat. Where we met. Yoga mat altar. OM Jai Ganesha. Auspicious new beginnings. 

Something started happening...

Ego began deflating. Damn inflated ego. Was still teaching. With more humility. Think they knew. I definitely knew. It was time. I would pray. Pray for love. To share love. Teach from love. Real deal love. "Just breathe, Sanieh." I spoke less. I loved more. Wanted to heal. Myself and them. For my son. Can I heal? Knew I could. If I loved. Space was created. I stopped talking. Opened my heart. Facilitated fluid peace. Opening for all. I would cry. Chant and cry.  "Mata Durga Swaha." Cried during Savasana. So did they. We cried together. Did they know? We're all healing. The yoga heals. The right kind. "Right" is relative.

Felt baby move.  On wedding night. Sweet baby boy. God loved me. I never knew. I felt punished. Did something bad. Really really bad. The mom died. Thought God punished. That's not true. God doesn't punish. Its all lies. Love only loves. Wondering what name. "God" and baby. How about "Universe"? How about "Goddess"? How about "Light"? How about "Grace"? How about "Spirit"? How about "Love"? Sometimes resist "God". Name and essence. Name and existence. Existence within myself. Working on that. Again, for son. Know there's Truth. Truth deep down. God in belly. Grace in belly. It's all love. Names don't matter. God doesn't punish. Grace doesn't forget. I was loved. Had to be. I had proof! Proof in Jeff. Proof in belly. I was opened. I was loved. I am loved. Was always loved. 

Sweet growing baby. Labored at home. Chose home birth. Best choice ever. Rocked my foundation. Foundation still rocked. Still quite profound. "Profound" is overused. It's MUCH bigger. Shook ENTIRE Universe. Everyone is different. Everything is different. Who am I? Not the same. Never her again. Pregnancy did that. I saw suffering. As a child. My own mother. I remembered that. During my pregnancy. Saw her suffer. Hurt my heart. Growing momma heart. "Please God, please. Not my baby." Never see suffering. Can't protect that. But not ME. No suffering mommy. Not like mine. Please God, please. Protect my child. Protect his eyes. See me thrive. See mommy happy. Never suffering mommy. Jeff promised me. "It's my gift. Gift to you. Not our baby. Don't you worry. I promise you. Not that life. Won't be his. Not that loss. He'll never see. No suffering mommy. No suffering parents. Not like that." Thank you, God. Thanks for Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. For our baby. For your promises.

June this year. Busy hot Saturday. Went to nursery. Got some plants. Hot  Hot Hot. Took a nap. Felt some cramps. Then water broke. Labor happened quickly. "Gum Ganapatiye Namaha". Removal of obstacles. Fear lasted seconds. There I chanted. Chanted during labor. Many different chants. Some the same. Same as pregnancy. He was familiar. Knew my voice. Recognized the chants. 1 specific chant. 1 specific song. Recognized them both. Then it happened. I saw God. In my arms. Baby loved me. I loved him. In an instant. Never the same. Shiny, new baby. Thank you, God. Smiling right now. I gave birth. Then I died. Died right there. In our home. Where I birthed. 

Who am I ? She's no more. Brand New Woman. Grew a baby. Then baby left. Left my body. Now new body. Trying to ground. In new body. In my heart. Catching my breath. Still, almost everyday.  My new heart. My new thoughts. My new worries. My new love. Protect him, God.  Please protect Keyhan. My heart expanded. Grew another chamber. Still in recovery. Open heart surgery. Recovery never ends. Body recovers though. Still in adjustment. I'm a mom. A motherless mother. Its all serendipitous. Its all inexplainable. I'm a mommy. Mommy to Keyhan. Keyhan means "Universe". He's OUR Universe. 

Yoga is random. Random at home. Perfect yoga though. Teacher no more. That's not true. Teacher of love.  Now a student. Student to Guru. Baby boy Guru. Jeff is yoga. He's my yoga. Opportunities in humility. "Letting Go" opportunities. Inflated ego shatters. Its a mess. Death of ego. Starting brand new. Not her anymore. Never her again. Self-Identification struggles. Who was I? Who am I? There is time. Time for everything. I am unfolding. New me unfolding. Keyhan's mommy now. Jeff's wife now. Focused energy now. There is time. For other things. Just not now. Focused on love. Loving my family. Being their heartbeat.  Brand new Sanieh. Not sure yet. Who she is. Who she'll become. Slow, full breaths. Om Jai Ganesha. Here I am. Every new day. I wanted love. Now its here. Saw this life. Was always here. Just didn't know. Once was blind. Now I see. In my belly. Now on bed. Sleeping sweet baby. Happy happy baby. Happy happy mommy. Happy happy Daddy. I'm still adjusting. For a while. Just my path.  Hard to convey. But am breathing. Thank you, God. So much love. 

The Piece of Paper ~vs~ The Process

 Coming in from the green (the big green waters behind me) passing a local Balinese surfer who is in the background "of my life" smiling and cheering me on...even when I didn't know it. One of the most memorable captions of my life and a true metaphor.

Since starting school I have been so busy and could not have planned for the amount of time required outside of class to be successful. I'm grateful for caring professors who are teaching me very valuable life lessons, friends and family who have supported me and Jeff who has taken on the not so easy task of being my personal tutor working just as many algebraic equations with me while being the voice or reason and encouragement that always seems to sit on my shoulder when I need a gentle reminder of why I'm doing this in the first place.


I do miss my personal writing time however. Spring break is around the corner and I intend to sit down with things and create space for more creative self-care incorporating more time for those things that sustain me. Writing is one of them for sure, as is nature and travel...which I will be doing some of immediately following the semester's end. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with my energy source that is the ocean via the white sand beaches of Florida then (hyper link is acting up! Click over here ---->) on retreat at Maya Tulum a few weeks later. Until then, there's a lot to get done!


Last Sunday I found myself sitting at the table staring at what should have been a word document filled with my personal analysis on an essay I had read. I sat there rubbing my head, holding my face and questioning what I was doing. 


"Why am I even doing this?"


Across from me sat a brilliant and patient man who I have so much admiration and respect for who would later say something that would change my entire view of this project I've taken on.


He told me a college education is not about getting the piece of paper in the end. 


"A college education is about who you become through the process. That is your college education." 


When I think about the process that got me here, the years of confidence I didn't have in this area, I'm reminded of the truth to these words. That said, there's a level of confidence being developed that I had been unable to relate to until now. There's the academic learning, sure. There is also the testing of my spirit to go beyond what I sometimes question as possible, reasonable, maintainable and one of the hardest things I've ever done...and it's only just begun. Such is life. I'm writing about college here, but any experience that seems foreign or out of reach or ridiculous could be filled in the blank.

I'm a smart woman. I've had to be to both survive and succeed in the life I have been born into. While I realize many others have had it far worse than I could have ever imagined, I've made it no secret that it wasn't always easy for me. I had to teach myself to become a woman and how to relate with the world and all to often, unsuccessfully so. I've had to be my own encourager and cheerleader and the one to pick myself up when I've fallen. What I've learned is that I'm not alone. There are people around me who love me who are cheering me on sometimes quietly; sometimes quite loudly. Through all of this, I crossed an abyss in my life (when I arrived into 30s for starters) and began to change the way I saw the world and the way I saw myself. 

I still have not finished paper 4; the Interpretive Analysis, but it will be done today. I am a woman of integrity and will fulfill this personal goal I set out to take on. I know now that it's not about the time it takes me to complete this process. The growth and fulfillment will be in my returning to this commitment each day. And as I return to the commitment I will continue to develop a belief in myself, in my potential which will prove to break free from the labels I've defined myself in the world by or have been defined by, and in the possibilities of what it looks like to live a life fully explored; played full out.


As he said... 
"This is the 'bold and brave' part."

2011 Lessons Learned & Mindful Observations

*Writing the letter/email can be quite cathartic so go ahead and do it. Just don't send it.

*You cannot will someone to have an awakening-to see or "get" something. We are all on our own karmic journeys on our own time frames.

*Once you get good at hitting the curve balls and you make it to the Majors, you're considered a badass (an All Star) when you bat .300. This translates as MISSING 70%. Bigger translation: The curve balls in life count for a LOT.

*Sleep on it. For God sakes, sleep on it!

*Practice yoga then seek out it's parallel in your life. This.Will.Change.You.

*No matter what, commit to standing in your Grace and being kind.

*When you blame, you loose the lesson.

*You're not a victim.

*Everyday, try your hardest to be a good person.

*Stay true and honest with yourself. Do not sell yourself out. Do not sell yourself short.

*There is no such thing as being "too open". This is the language only of those who are afraid, closed off and contracted.

*Balance your actions and reactions.
*Learn to view everyone and every experience as a teacher.

*Some teachers are inherently assholes. They too, however, are teachers.

*You choose the "way you are". Douche bag, diva, divine delight... It's your choice. Choose wisely.

*Self reflect.

*Trust your intuition. Just don't confuse this with your thinking mind.

*Stop beating yourself up for thinking you should have known better (or for any other reason for that matter).

*Gratitude is the heart's memory. Be grateful.

*Start a gratitude journal.

*Know what stokes your heart-fire and begin stoke it's fire daily.

*Make close friends with humility.

*Encourage others every opportunity you get and be an empowering force.

*Be an awesome observer.

*Admit your faults and work on them.

*Train your weaknesses.
*Apologize.
*Do the thing. Stop talking about it or dreaming about it. Just f'n do it already!
*Decide what's important to you and focus your energy.

*For an entire day, let every.single.word. be one of support and encouragement of every.single.person. you come into contact with. 

*Simplify your life. Cut out as much bullshit as possible.

*Be true to thine own self.