The Piece of Paper ~vs~ The Process

 Coming in from the green (the big green waters behind me) passing a local Balinese surfer who is in the background "of my life" smiling and cheering me on...even when I didn't know it. One of the most memorable captions of my life and a true metaphor.

Since starting school I have been so busy and could not have planned for the amount of time required outside of class to be successful. I'm grateful for caring professors who are teaching me very valuable life lessons, friends and family who have supported me and Jeff who has taken on the not so easy task of being my personal tutor working just as many algebraic equations with me while being the voice or reason and encouragement that always seems to sit on my shoulder when I need a gentle reminder of why I'm doing this in the first place.


I do miss my personal writing time however. Spring break is around the corner and I intend to sit down with things and create space for more creative self-care incorporating more time for those things that sustain me. Writing is one of them for sure, as is nature and travel...which I will be doing some of immediately following the semester's end. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with my energy source that is the ocean via the white sand beaches of Florida then (hyper link is acting up! Click over here ---->) on retreat at Maya Tulum a few weeks later. Until then, there's a lot to get done!


Last Sunday I found myself sitting at the table staring at what should have been a word document filled with my personal analysis on an essay I had read. I sat there rubbing my head, holding my face and questioning what I was doing. 


"Why am I even doing this?"


Across from me sat a brilliant and patient man who I have so much admiration and respect for who would later say something that would change my entire view of this project I've taken on.


He told me a college education is not about getting the piece of paper in the end. 


"A college education is about who you become through the process. That is your college education." 


When I think about the process that got me here, the years of confidence I didn't have in this area, I'm reminded of the truth to these words. That said, there's a level of confidence being developed that I had been unable to relate to until now. There's the academic learning, sure. There is also the testing of my spirit to go beyond what I sometimes question as possible, reasonable, maintainable and one of the hardest things I've ever done...and it's only just begun. Such is life. I'm writing about college here, but any experience that seems foreign or out of reach or ridiculous could be filled in the blank.

I'm a smart woman. I've had to be to both survive and succeed in the life I have been born into. While I realize many others have had it far worse than I could have ever imagined, I've made it no secret that it wasn't always easy for me. I had to teach myself to become a woman and how to relate with the world and all to often, unsuccessfully so. I've had to be my own encourager and cheerleader and the one to pick myself up when I've fallen. What I've learned is that I'm not alone. There are people around me who love me who are cheering me on sometimes quietly; sometimes quite loudly. Through all of this, I crossed an abyss in my life (when I arrived into 30s for starters) and began to change the way I saw the world and the way I saw myself. 

I still have not finished paper 4; the Interpretive Analysis, but it will be done today. I am a woman of integrity and will fulfill this personal goal I set out to take on. I know now that it's not about the time it takes me to complete this process. The growth and fulfillment will be in my returning to this commitment each day. And as I return to the commitment I will continue to develop a belief in myself, in my potential which will prove to break free from the labels I've defined myself in the world by or have been defined by, and in the possibilities of what it looks like to live a life fully explored; played full out.


As he said... 
"This is the 'bold and brave' part."

Year At A Glance

(NOTE: Not sure why hyper links are not showing...where you see "****     ****", run your arrow over it to see the words and hyper links :)

Dear 2010,

You've been really amazing.

On January 1, 2010, myself and a few other friends

(the same group went to go see the incredibly spiritual movie, Avatar shortly after New Year's Day...just had to add this hilarious photo!)

all met for a Mt Bonnell sunrise and to have a "round table" discussion of our intentions for the year. It was there that I stated that my intention for 2010 would be to stay closely centered in my heart; to navigate in all things to and from this place. I wasn't sure what that would look like and that just a week later I would be confronted with many reasons to renig on that intention, but that's just what it was.

It's incredible how the Universe listens... and responds.

"Wherever your heart, so is your treasure"...or something like that. I always remembered that passage from the Bible. The Universe does not know "no". It only responds to energy and everything is energy...our words, our actions, thoughts...When we put our energy in "no", we are energetically saying "yes". We are giving power to the "No"...charging it.  Once we express something and put it out there into the world, we subconsciously and energetically aligning ourselves with those very things. So when I say I had a spoken intention of being a student to the heart teacher this year (hence the license plate...), that's what was fully charged and what I was aligned with even when I didn't feel like being so!

2010 would prove to be a year that would test how much heart I had and as a result will go down in the story that is my life as being a year where it all shifted. You know, those times in our lives where we can look back and see a line drawn in the sand? This year has been one of those years for me. I'll go on record and say I feel like I've really become a woman this year having connected so strongly to my heart, grace and authentic self...and it ain't over yet! ;)

From declaring my 33rd as my "power year" in February and spending my birthday with a group of gals from High School (never thought THAT would've happened!) to **** the unreal and mind gripping intensity and ultimate test of Spirit **** during Budokon Academy weekend in April, the year began with a crashing wave of questionable discomfort.

My first 3 triathlons

in a five week period of time gave me a new determination as did my time running with Rogue proving yet again, the body just follows the mind. When the mind says "I CAN" the body follows.

August would prove to be where the line was *really* drawn in the sand when every possible plan for the Summer Sadhana Retreat fell apart last minute and I ended up hosting solo rather than the intended duo. Our small yet fully ALIVE group

shared in some pretty auspicious moments that we will all cherish and for me, this **** marked the moment where I found clarity and a peace of mind I hadn't known in some several years. **** Standing at the bank with the waves rolling in clear up to my thighs as I cried when my own voice freed me in my realization "It's OK to close the door" as I struggled with personal transitions I was resisting out of "looking good, fear of looking bad" and denying my heart, the Ultimate Guru, and it's intelligence as a result. There was a freedom; a liberation felt during this time that would soon set the ball in motion to radically change my life. I'm SO grateful for August and every expected and unexpected twist, turn and tide that was a part of it...all I needed from this point forward was the courage to be totally authentic and honest, boldly stating what had become so clear and real in my heart.

It was also a very sweet month having been named one of  ****"Austin's Top 10 Fittest" by Austin Fit Magazine. ****(scroll down the page to see the Austin's Fittest people write ups)This was special to me because it meant that my community supported and believed in me...but I could not have gotten this recognition without them. I share it with you all and I am still so honored to be able to be a face for what it means to be fit in body, mind and spirit.

****Enter Landmark Forum.****

September would gift me with a completely NEW WAY OF BEING as I embarked on my first Landmark Forum experience. I have gone on record to say that with all of my yoga experiences, this was certainly something to write home about. After having fully immersed myself into the teachings on a very chilling, present day, no-excuses level, I cannot image *ever* going back to the former way of being. I really can't. Furthermore, I continue to use what I now know, what I have learned about myself on the most honest and authentic, all encompassing level in every aspect of my life and I am so grateful for honest to goodness clear seeing of myself, my life, how I was living it and how I live it today.

October would follow with a super intense dose of the Landmark Advanced curriculum where I learned just how much we really don't give a shit about other people. I know, I know...that sounds ODD if nothing else. This 36 hour weekend power punch is all about how we tend to be in it to win it for OURSELVES in many ways, subconsciously. Ultimately what I got from it was that I hadn't been empowering people the way I really want to be or am capable of and that I need to be standing for the people I love and believe in and that all of this creates one infinite circle of life. One of the biggest blessings of October was seeing what my "ACT" is in the world as they refer to it and having identified with this one distinction alone, the quality of my LIFE has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Let me repeat that...

Having identified clearly what my "ACT" is in the world (as taught in the Landmark Advanced course...no I'm not a rep in any way, shape or form... it's just good stuff!), I saw a movie reel of my life flash before me revealing my life long in-authenticities in how I had been living, communicating, and existing from this false way of being. As a result, I continue to see how this has dictated my actions and has sabotaged the very things I've wanted and have deserved in my life.


"From Nothing, Right Now, What I am is the possibility of..."

****I cannot be grateful enough for my Possibility Driven Life. ****

Landmark Forum & Advanced Course; Truly NEXT LEVEL when it comes to doing the work on the personal and as I like to say in class, CONFRONTATIONAL, front. I encourage everyone I know and love and even those who I don't to consider this step of deep personal work. While our insights aren't always pretty...we have to go into the darkness of ourselves to see the burning bonfire within.

By November I had registered myself for my first ever semester of higher learning beginning in January :)) It was also a life-changing month for my family as I, for the first time in my life,**** met my big brother, Mike and realized my fullest capacity to forgive my father. ****

I'll stop at that and let you read the above not so private thoughts shared in the link. I couldn't possibly say it any better now than I did when it was fresh-fresh.

November blessings would not have been complete without the full circle Yoga moment I've felt which has given me a new relationship to both my **** teaching and studentship practices with Yoga.****

(a colorful group of teachers and Lululemon friends from the huge "Yogasm" event held earlier n the year)

Again...waves of gratitude washing over me right now.

SO many things I've learned this year....It has indeed been the year of HEART.

To New Friends...

Thank you to ****Crossfit Central**** for being one of the the best reasons to wake up on Monday and Wednesday mornings and to my longtime (of almost 2 years...Wow! Really?!) **** Coach, Crystal Mac,****

for always knowing how to hold space with such supportive intensity for us every time.

To long time friends

who continue to make me laugh (and cry); who are are true tribe members when you need them or just need a good glass of wine :)

To engagements and life celebrations of two very dear friends of mine...who both remind me of what an intimate love and partenership can look like for us all when it's right...

(holy smokes you two ladies have done so much my soul you don't even know! And to Evan "I don't think Sanieh knows ... she's SANIEH!"....Thank you SO much for sharing that with me, Lauran...THAT CHANGED ME. Love to both of you ladies and may your big day and the life that follows be the greatest expression of Love in Action with the wonderful men you've chosen.)


It's mid December as I write this entry and so many documented realizations and experiences come to mind that I am SO grateful for...

A painful yet profound realization of **** the importance of boundaries ***

***A moment of reflection ****on how far I've come and how much I've grown

And a deep knowing that ****I AM A POSSIBLITY.***

A very meditative time of year it is for me. If you haven't done so already, I encourage you to spend a few days to come up with and declare a powerful intention for the New Year transition then share it. Something very powerful happens when in the declaration and more so when we state it out loud.

To every one of you who walked beside me this year...
To those quietly and even silently watched and rooted me on whispering blessings of support, sending emails of praise, excitement, joy and even sorrow...
To the challengers, nay sayers and even haters...
To the ones whose fork came up in the road...
And To the new people in my life...
I felt you all...

And I'm closer to where ever it is I'm meant to be in my incredibly blessed life because of you.

So now is the time when I'm going deep within to align myself to the "YES" of where my energy will be put; the energy that will immediately will follow a spoken declaration for 2011. I love this time of year for this reason alone, if for no other.

With a grateful smile and waves of excitement and laugher for new beginnings in a New Year,
my heart bows to you all.

From Caterpillar to Butterfly

You trust your intuition rather than talk yourself out of what you already know.

You trust your instincts more and try to figure things out far less.

You understand that success is relative. 

You are past the kind of heartache that leaves you in a keening cry that has you calling into work sick (from heart break, of course) because you are no longer willing to loose yourself through the process of giving yourself.

You understand, with more love than ever, that even the deepest intimacy has boundaries...to call love anything less lacks self love.

You become brave, oh so brave, and willing to stop at nothing to satisfy the longing, hunger and whisper in your soul to express yourself, your creativity and your heart's wish for your life. This is true even where it means saying goodbye to what you know so well in an effort to create space for something fresh and new in the middle of it all.

You realize how liberating it is to finally trust yourself enough to be exactly who you are in the world and with the one who you chose.

You embrace yourself with kindness and compassion. You too, are only human and have always done the very best that you've known to do in each and every moment.

Your jealousy and envy ceases and you stop trying to attain the same experiences as other because one day you, finally wake up realizing that what you want isn't what they have,  it's what they feel. What you're seeking is your own internal joy through self-expression and that comes from being on your own unique the right path. You get this...then you go out and enjoy a long jog on the path of your new life...

You love your body (and you know it well). Finally.

You own, are comfortable with and embrace your sensuality and sexuality.

You honor and take care of your body in what you feed it, who you allow to experience it intimately and what thoughts and self talk you experience within it.

You put down the masks you've spent your life energy wearing.

You step into what you've spent your life energy avoiding.

You give up trying to change people.

While you're full of depth, you get that not everything has to be so deep, have an underlying meaning or that things should always have to be so serious.

You let go.

You give more.

You assume less.

You forgive more freely.

You have greater appreciation for Nature.

You have the greatest appreciation for your parents.

You become really great at honoring and enjoying a day of rest...and you are clear on what that looks like for you.

You try knew things.

When you feel scared, you stay with that sensation but proceed and do the thing anyway.

You're become more present in life and to those who occupy it with you.

And instead of that lump in your throat, or feelings of incompletion or separateness, you finally wake up with ease and clarity about who you are and where you are in your life. And with absolute certainty you know in your soul that it was all so necessary for your growth and spiritual evolution and because of that knowing, every day you bow your head to your heart in gratitude for it all.