Memoir in Three.

I read about this exercise that helps writers uncover details of their lives by picking 10 years and writing about it. The catch? Use three word sentences. For years, I've wanted to write a book but the aim of that book has died, been reborn and changed many times as my life has. This is a little more than the last 10 years of my life, out of order and less some specifics, parts and people but it is honest, at times a little messy and a reflection of my vulnerability.

I began writing this several weeks ago and would come back, reread and add to it. I intend to spend more time with this kind of writing, focusing on condensed periods of my life. To be honest, I don't know proper writing organization nor would I win a spelling bee. I can get wordy and I have an incredible ability to create run on sentences for days on end but I can write from the heart and do so in a way that is very conversational as if we were sitting together having tea. :)

I write to clear my head and to organize my thoughts and the experiences that have made a home in my heart (and everywhere else in my body for the matter). I also write with hopes that through sharing my experiences, someone out there can find some healing for themselves. Writing helps me get to the heart of some of my experiences in life. I hope that the unfolding of my life, through the written word, can be evidence that in the end, it all works out.

Maybe I'll end up getting the memoir written one day after all.

Before and after. Then and now. Life in words. Tell a story. Not just any. But YOUR story. In three words. Three words Only. Ready set go.

Who was I? A yoga teacher. An only daughter. A motherless daughter. An only sister. A middle child. Bunch of brothers. One parted ways. Was his decision. Had to forgive. "Let it go." Lots to forgive. Lots to admit. Lots of anger. Anger lasted years. Heart was broken. He blamed me. I was young. So very young. Took me years. To stop personalizing. Not about me. His own karma. Much easier now. Then the truth. Found out truths. Many many truths. Deceptions and lies.Truths about Dad. Love my dad. Still love him. Despite the secrets. Mom never told. Then she died. Death defined me. The "story" did. This lasted years. What a mess. So many secrets. Had difficulties coping.  I'm a secret. She could've shared. She should've shared. Tried to protect. Would've hurt less. Little less shock. But she didn't. Lies create lies. Secrets create lies. Finally moved on. Met another brother. Brand new brother. 10 years older. A loving brother. Loves and accepts. We share eyes. Name is Mike. Big brother Mike. We've moved on. From the lies. From the secrets. Had to forgive.  Healing is crucial. Forgiveness saves lives. Mistakes are made. Lies are told. Still must forgive. I'll never understand. As a mom. But I've forgiven. Really have forgiven. Even the deceased. Only love now. 

How about yoga? There was yoga. Ohhh the yoga. I was humble. Yoga was grounding. What is this? Who was I? "What is Namaste'? " "Read the sign." Loved my teacher. Very first teacher. Tried to meditate. "Are there colors?" She said no. No more meditation. No more colors.  No inflated ego. Just self-discovery. Just my curiosity. Things were fresh.  Moved to mainland. Bounced around some. Started teaching yoga. Was quite bendy. Slowly became strong. Met another teacher. "Studied studied studied." Slowly grew ego. Ego hurt heart. Heart still recovering. Yep, from ego. Only different now. Self-defining ego. Self-defining bullshit. I was "teacher". Such a joke. Self-defined teacher. Forgot about student. The student within. Became pretty bored. Became pretty self-absorbed. Became very frustrated. Frustrated with students. Not just self. But outside students. Saw it happening. Had to crash. Hard hard fall. Had to fall. Not really recommended. Was my path. Wouldn't change path. Death by ego. Harmful Inflated ego. Creates false seeing. Creates false everything. 

Ohh before that...Lived in Austin. Moved to Hawaii. I got married. Didn't have "marriage". Just the title. Much to young. Both of us. Moved to TN. Moved to Clarksville. Then got divorced. Moved to Nashville. Major life changes. Got a "job". Hated that job! Then another breakup. Got very depressed. Slept on floor. Darkness for days. 3 days specifically. Then heard birds. While on floor. Birds at night? Singing at night? Wrote about it. Just like light. Light in darkness. Got off floor. Took a shower. Met with Daphne. Gave me peonies. Love peonies now. Met Dr. Robin. Went twice weekly. "Challenge irrational beliefs!!" Never forgot that. Never forget that. Never forget myself. Thank you, Robin. 

Then what happened? 

Went to Vipassana. 10 days straight. 11 hours daily. Silence and mediation. 10 straight days. No eye contact. No spoken words. Absolute self-study. Silence Silence Silence. Body, speech, mind. First time ever. All in nature. It was perfect. Back to meditation. Didn't see colors. But saw soul. Soul was injured. Remembered some things. Didn't want to. We're all healing. 

Often felt separate. "Separation is illusion". Was never separate. Just got lost. Didn't love self. Didn't *know Love. Didn't know *self. Didn't know *how. Lived in "stories". World's biggest judge. Judge of self. World's biggest critic. Critic of self. Abused my body. Recklessly abused body. Abused my intuition. Didn't honor intuition. Felt a fake. Felt a hypocrite. Wore many "OM"s. Wore many malas. "Aren't I legit? See my malas? See my website? See my backbend? I'm a teacher. See my photographs? See the magazines?" Me me me. Sanieh was lost. Sanieh...who's Sanieh? Slowly started realizing. Path is inward. "Definition" isn't external. Truth isn't backbends. "Yogini" isn't malas. Truth is Love. Nothing else matters. All is Love. Whatever that means.  Seriously, just Love. Am still comprehending. Want to know. Letting "it" go. Biggest karmic work. LET GO, SANIEH. To be realized. Fully fully realized. To teach son. Teach through being. Still not there. At my potential. Not there yet...

Am growing though...

Then met Jeff. We just clicked. Timing finally right. For us both. For *someone right. Had some healing. Had some forgiveness. Not complete yet. Mostly inward stuff. But much better. We both knew. We both grew. He loved me. He told me. I told him. We both loved. I thanked God. Who was God? Jeff showed me. Didn't mean to. But he did. Never was alone. Never was forgotten. Was Always loved. Loved by God. God inside me. Not separate God. Not outside God. God within me. He teaches that. "He" meaning Jeff. Doesn't mean to. Doesn't even know.  But he does. Love him so. Still searching though. Searching for God. Makes no sense. No "search" needed. God is there. In my everything. Always been there. Still absorbing this. Still digesting it. May take time.  Is "Love" God? Maybe Loves' God.

"Oh My Goddess". "Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!". I couldn't speak. Sat on toilet. Covered my face. Literally, 20 minutes. Couldn't speak words. Only spoke tears. "Oh my God". Was *this God? In my belly? Always wanted motherhood. Started to wonder. He held space. "Gonna be PARENTS!" He said whispering. I'll never forget. I was terrified. Wanted it though. Was still terrified. Motherless daughter here. Wondered, "Could I?" Knew I could. But was sad. Wanted MY mom. Was "story" defined. Worked through that. Very different now. Am still sad. On some days. Am also strong. On most days. And I remember. Its all perfect.

Jeff proposed marriage. At Yoga Vida. On his mat. Where we practiced. In the mandala. "Help with handstand?" But no handstands. On his knee. Gave me kisses. Still was clueless. Then a ring. Made for me. I said "Yes". Vic freaked out. Quite funny, really :) We married there. AT Yoga Vida. Couldn't believe it.  I cried hard. Finally my turn. "I choose you." Giant Ganesha Altar. On yoga mat. Where we met. Yoga mat altar. OM Jai Ganesha. Auspicious new beginnings. 

Something started happening...

Ego began deflating. Damn inflated ego. Was still teaching. With more humility. Think they knew. I definitely knew. It was time. I would pray. Pray for love. To share love. Teach from love. Real deal love. "Just breathe, Sanieh." I spoke less. I loved more. Wanted to heal. Myself and them. For my son. Can I heal? Knew I could. If I loved. Space was created. I stopped talking. Opened my heart. Facilitated fluid peace. Opening for all. I would cry. Chant and cry.  "Mata Durga Swaha." Cried during Savasana. So did they. We cried together. Did they know? We're all healing. The yoga heals. The right kind. "Right" is relative.

Felt baby move.  On wedding night. Sweet baby boy. God loved me. I never knew. I felt punished. Did something bad. Really really bad. The mom died. Thought God punished. That's not true. God doesn't punish. Its all lies. Love only loves. Wondering what name. "God" and baby. How about "Universe"? How about "Goddess"? How about "Light"? How about "Grace"? How about "Spirit"? How about "Love"? Sometimes resist "God". Name and essence. Name and existence. Existence within myself. Working on that. Again, for son. Know there's Truth. Truth deep down. God in belly. Grace in belly. It's all love. Names don't matter. God doesn't punish. Grace doesn't forget. I was loved. Had to be. I had proof! Proof in Jeff. Proof in belly. I was opened. I was loved. I am loved. Was always loved. 

Sweet growing baby. Labored at home. Chose home birth. Best choice ever. Rocked my foundation. Foundation still rocked. Still quite profound. "Profound" is overused. It's MUCH bigger. Shook ENTIRE Universe. Everyone is different. Everything is different. Who am I? Not the same. Never her again. Pregnancy did that. I saw suffering. As a child. My own mother. I remembered that. During my pregnancy. Saw her suffer. Hurt my heart. Growing momma heart. "Please God, please. Not my baby." Never see suffering. Can't protect that. But not ME. No suffering mommy. Not like mine. Please God, please. Protect my child. Protect his eyes. See me thrive. See mommy happy. Never suffering mommy. Jeff promised me. "It's my gift. Gift to you. Not our baby. Don't you worry. I promise you. Not that life. Won't be his. Not that loss. He'll never see. No suffering mommy. No suffering parents. Not like that." Thank you, God. Thanks for Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. For our baby. For your promises.

June this year. Busy hot Saturday. Went to nursery. Got some plants. Hot  Hot Hot. Took a nap. Felt some cramps. Then water broke. Labor happened quickly. "Gum Ganapatiye Namaha". Removal of obstacles. Fear lasted seconds. There I chanted. Chanted during labor. Many different chants. Some the same. Same as pregnancy. He was familiar. Knew my voice. Recognized the chants. 1 specific chant. 1 specific song. Recognized them both. Then it happened. I saw God. In my arms. Baby loved me. I loved him. In an instant. Never the same. Shiny, new baby. Thank you, God. Smiling right now. I gave birth. Then I died. Died right there. In our home. Where I birthed. 

Who am I ? She's no more. Brand New Woman. Grew a baby. Then baby left. Left my body. Now new body. Trying to ground. In new body. In my heart. Catching my breath. Still, almost everyday.  My new heart. My new thoughts. My new worries. My new love. Protect him, God.  Please protect Keyhan. My heart expanded. Grew another chamber. Still in recovery. Open heart surgery. Recovery never ends. Body recovers though. Still in adjustment. I'm a mom. A motherless mother. Its all serendipitous. Its all inexplainable. I'm a mommy. Mommy to Keyhan. Keyhan means "Universe". He's OUR Universe. 

Yoga is random. Random at home. Perfect yoga though. Teacher no more. That's not true. Teacher of love.  Now a student. Student to Guru. Baby boy Guru. Jeff is yoga. He's my yoga. Opportunities in humility. "Letting Go" opportunities. Inflated ego shatters. Its a mess. Death of ego. Starting brand new. Not her anymore. Never her again. Self-Identification struggles. Who was I? Who am I? There is time. Time for everything. I am unfolding. New me unfolding. Keyhan's mommy now. Jeff's wife now. Focused energy now. There is time. For other things. Just not now. Focused on love. Loving my family. Being their heartbeat.  Brand new Sanieh. Not sure yet. Who she is. Who she'll become. Slow, full breaths. Om Jai Ganesha. Here I am. Every new day. I wanted love. Now its here. Saw this life. Was always here. Just didn't know. Once was blind. Now I see. In my belly. Now on bed. Sleeping sweet baby. Happy happy baby. Happy happy mommy. Happy happy Daddy. I'm still adjusting. For a while. Just my path.  Hard to convey. But am breathing. Thank you, God. So much love. 

Living the Questions

Rainer Maria Rilke - Live the Questions Now

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

I've been thinking about these words of poet Rainer Maria Rilke from Letters to a Young Poet for some time now. Specifically, I've been thinking about "Living the questions" and how it relates to where I find myself in my life at the moment. 

When I pause in acknowledgement of where I find myself, I stand in awe of what it's taken to get here. I feel so incredibly overwhelmed and cleansed in gratitude not only for the trials and blessings along the journey but for gratitude itself. One of my daily rituals is that I write in my gratitude journal. It's helps me to stay grateful for the incredibly BIG and abundant life I live that is just so incredibly full. It helps me to be much more aware of the mundane and ordinary blessings that are equally huge and meaningful in my day to day life.

Just like meditating or anything else, dedication becomes habit-forming. I'm starting to actually look for the things to be grateful for now. And everything "counts".


In this gratitude and in my quiet, continuous and daily "Thank You!" to the Universe, what I ponder most from my desire to be grateful are Rainer Maria Rilke's words about not searching for the answer but living the question itself. I've come across this quote so many times in my life but only recently did it really click for me. Only recently did the question, living it, turn into an action.

"How can I show them that I love them, today?"

Just having this question floating around in my consciousness has changed my way of being. 

My purpose today is to be a teacher of love to my family. It's the single most important thing in my life right now and my prayer is that through living my question, consciously, I can answer it through action on a daily basis beginning with the two people who matter the most in my Universe. 

What question are you living?

Year At A Glance

(NOTE: Not sure why hyper links are not showing...where you see "****     ****", run your arrow over it to see the words and hyper links :)

Dear 2010,

You've been really amazing.

On January 1, 2010, myself and a few other friends

(the same group went to go see the incredibly spiritual movie, Avatar shortly after New Year's Day...just had to add this hilarious photo!)

all met for a Mt Bonnell sunrise and to have a "round table" discussion of our intentions for the year. It was there that I stated that my intention for 2010 would be to stay closely centered in my heart; to navigate in all things to and from this place. I wasn't sure what that would look like and that just a week later I would be confronted with many reasons to renig on that intention, but that's just what it was.

It's incredible how the Universe listens... and responds.

"Wherever your heart, so is your treasure"...or something like that. I always remembered that passage from the Bible. The Universe does not know "no". It only responds to energy and everything is energy...our words, our actions, thoughts...When we put our energy in "no", we are energetically saying "yes". We are giving power to the "No"...charging it.  Once we express something and put it out there into the world, we subconsciously and energetically aligning ourselves with those very things. So when I say I had a spoken intention of being a student to the heart teacher this year (hence the license plate...), that's what was fully charged and what I was aligned with even when I didn't feel like being so!

2010 would prove to be a year that would test how much heart I had and as a result will go down in the story that is my life as being a year where it all shifted. You know, those times in our lives where we can look back and see a line drawn in the sand? This year has been one of those years for me. I'll go on record and say I feel like I've really become a woman this year having connected so strongly to my heart, grace and authentic self...and it ain't over yet! ;)

From declaring my 33rd as my "power year" in February and spending my birthday with a group of gals from High School (never thought THAT would've happened!) to **** the unreal and mind gripping intensity and ultimate test of Spirit **** during Budokon Academy weekend in April, the year began with a crashing wave of questionable discomfort.

My first 3 triathlons

in a five week period of time gave me a new determination as did my time running with Rogue proving yet again, the body just follows the mind. When the mind says "I CAN" the body follows.

August would prove to be where the line was *really* drawn in the sand when every possible plan for the Summer Sadhana Retreat fell apart last minute and I ended up hosting solo rather than the intended duo. Our small yet fully ALIVE group

shared in some pretty auspicious moments that we will all cherish and for me, this **** marked the moment where I found clarity and a peace of mind I hadn't known in some several years. **** Standing at the bank with the waves rolling in clear up to my thighs as I cried when my own voice freed me in my realization "It's OK to close the door" as I struggled with personal transitions I was resisting out of "looking good, fear of looking bad" and denying my heart, the Ultimate Guru, and it's intelligence as a result. There was a freedom; a liberation felt during this time that would soon set the ball in motion to radically change my life. I'm SO grateful for August and every expected and unexpected twist, turn and tide that was a part of it...all I needed from this point forward was the courage to be totally authentic and honest, boldly stating what had become so clear and real in my heart.

It was also a very sweet month having been named one of  ****"Austin's Top 10 Fittest" by Austin Fit Magazine. ****(scroll down the page to see the Austin's Fittest people write ups)This was special to me because it meant that my community supported and believed in me...but I could not have gotten this recognition without them. I share it with you all and I am still so honored to be able to be a face for what it means to be fit in body, mind and spirit.

****Enter Landmark Forum.****

September would gift me with a completely NEW WAY OF BEING as I embarked on my first Landmark Forum experience. I have gone on record to say that with all of my yoga experiences, this was certainly something to write home about. After having fully immersed myself into the teachings on a very chilling, present day, no-excuses level, I cannot image *ever* going back to the former way of being. I really can't. Furthermore, I continue to use what I now know, what I have learned about myself on the most honest and authentic, all encompassing level in every aspect of my life and I am so grateful for honest to goodness clear seeing of myself, my life, how I was living it and how I live it today.

October would follow with a super intense dose of the Landmark Advanced curriculum where I learned just how much we really don't give a shit about other people. I know, I know...that sounds ODD if nothing else. This 36 hour weekend power punch is all about how we tend to be in it to win it for OURSELVES in many ways, subconsciously. Ultimately what I got from it was that I hadn't been empowering people the way I really want to be or am capable of and that I need to be standing for the people I love and believe in and that all of this creates one infinite circle of life. One of the biggest blessings of October was seeing what my "ACT" is in the world as they refer to it and having identified with this one distinction alone, the quality of my LIFE has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Let me repeat that...

Having identified clearly what my "ACT" is in the world (as taught in the Landmark Advanced course...no I'm not a rep in any way, shape or form... it's just good stuff!), I saw a movie reel of my life flash before me revealing my life long in-authenticities in how I had been living, communicating, and existing from this false way of being. As a result, I continue to see how this has dictated my actions and has sabotaged the very things I've wanted and have deserved in my life.


"From Nothing, Right Now, What I am is the possibility of..."

****I cannot be grateful enough for my Possibility Driven Life. ****

Landmark Forum & Advanced Course; Truly NEXT LEVEL when it comes to doing the work on the personal and as I like to say in class, CONFRONTATIONAL, front. I encourage everyone I know and love and even those who I don't to consider this step of deep personal work. While our insights aren't always pretty...we have to go into the darkness of ourselves to see the burning bonfire within.

By November I had registered myself for my first ever semester of higher learning beginning in January :)) It was also a life-changing month for my family as I, for the first time in my life,**** met my big brother, Mike and realized my fullest capacity to forgive my father. ****

I'll stop at that and let you read the above not so private thoughts shared in the link. I couldn't possibly say it any better now than I did when it was fresh-fresh.

November blessings would not have been complete without the full circle Yoga moment I've felt which has given me a new relationship to both my **** teaching and studentship practices with Yoga.****

(a colorful group of teachers and Lululemon friends from the huge "Yogasm" event held earlier n the year)

Again...waves of gratitude washing over me right now.

SO many things I've learned this year....It has indeed been the year of HEART.

To New Friends...

Thank you to ****Crossfit Central**** for being one of the the best reasons to wake up on Monday and Wednesday mornings and to my longtime (of almost 2 years...Wow! Really?!) **** Coach, Crystal Mac,****

for always knowing how to hold space with such supportive intensity for us every time.

To long time friends

who continue to make me laugh (and cry); who are are true tribe members when you need them or just need a good glass of wine :)

To engagements and life celebrations of two very dear friends of mine...who both remind me of what an intimate love and partenership can look like for us all when it's right...

(holy smokes you two ladies have done so much my soul you don't even know! And to Evan "I don't think Sanieh knows ... she's SANIEH!"....Thank you SO much for sharing that with me, Lauran...THAT CHANGED ME. Love to both of you ladies and may your big day and the life that follows be the greatest expression of Love in Action with the wonderful men you've chosen.)


It's mid December as I write this entry and so many documented realizations and experiences come to mind that I am SO grateful for...

A painful yet profound realization of **** the importance of boundaries ***

***A moment of reflection ****on how far I've come and how much I've grown

And a deep knowing that ****I AM A POSSIBLITY.***

A very meditative time of year it is for me. If you haven't done so already, I encourage you to spend a few days to come up with and declare a powerful intention for the New Year transition then share it. Something very powerful happens when in the declaration and more so when we state it out loud.

To every one of you who walked beside me this year...
To those quietly and even silently watched and rooted me on whispering blessings of support, sending emails of praise, excitement, joy and even sorrow...
To the challengers, nay sayers and even haters...
To the ones whose fork came up in the road...
And To the new people in my life...
I felt you all...

And I'm closer to where ever it is I'm meant to be in my incredibly blessed life because of you.

So now is the time when I'm going deep within to align myself to the "YES" of where my energy will be put; the energy that will immediately will follow a spoken declaration for 2011. I love this time of year for this reason alone, if for no other.

With a grateful smile and waves of excitement and laugher for new beginnings in a New Year,
my heart bows to you all.

From Caterpillar to Butterfly

You trust your intuition rather than talk yourself out of what you already know.

You trust your instincts more and try to figure things out far less.

You understand that success is relative. 

You are past the kind of heartache that leaves you in a keening cry that has you calling into work sick (from heart break, of course) because you are no longer willing to loose yourself through the process of giving yourself.

You understand, with more love than ever, that even the deepest intimacy has boundaries...to call love anything less lacks self love.

You become brave, oh so brave, and willing to stop at nothing to satisfy the longing, hunger and whisper in your soul to express yourself, your creativity and your heart's wish for your life. This is true even where it means saying goodbye to what you know so well in an effort to create space for something fresh and new in the middle of it all.

You realize how liberating it is to finally trust yourself enough to be exactly who you are in the world and with the one who you chose.

You embrace yourself with kindness and compassion. You too, are only human and have always done the very best that you've known to do in each and every moment.

Your jealousy and envy ceases and you stop trying to attain the same experiences as other because one day you, finally wake up realizing that what you want isn't what they have,  it's what they feel. What you're seeking is your own internal joy through self-expression and that comes from being on your own unique the right path. You get this...then you go out and enjoy a long jog on the path of your new life...

You love your body (and you know it well). Finally.

You own, are comfortable with and embrace your sensuality and sexuality.

You honor and take care of your body in what you feed it, who you allow to experience it intimately and what thoughts and self talk you experience within it.

You put down the masks you've spent your life energy wearing.

You step into what you've spent your life energy avoiding.

You give up trying to change people.

While you're full of depth, you get that not everything has to be so deep, have an underlying meaning or that things should always have to be so serious.

You let go.

You give more.

You assume less.

You forgive more freely.

You have greater appreciation for Nature.

You have the greatest appreciation for your parents.

You become really great at honoring and enjoying a day of rest...and you are clear on what that looks like for you.

You try knew things.

When you feel scared, you stay with that sensation but proceed and do the thing anyway.

You're become more present in life and to those who occupy it with you.

And instead of that lump in your throat, or feelings of incompletion or separateness, you finally wake up with ease and clarity about who you are and where you are in your life. And with absolute certainty you know in your soul that it was all so necessary for your growth and spiritual evolution and because of that knowing, every day you bow your head to your heart in gratitude for it all.