How I Became Happier...Overnight.

It's no secret that we can be our own worst enemy, biggest critic and worst abuser. This is of no secret to anyone.

I just turned 37 less than a week ago and as per usual when I have a birthday approaching, I was having a serious look at my life and state of being, asking myself what needed changing. I've been in a little bit of a gloomy state waiting for the clear skies to break through the clouds in my head and heart but it just wasn't happening...or staying that way when it did.

I'd been fighting with myself for quite some time because I consciously chose a path of self-study long before conceiving, then recommitted to this path having taken serious vows once I found out I was pregnant. I proclaimed to the Universe that I'd go through whatever it took to purge my heart and life of my "stuff" and to enter a new way of being so that I could be the best mother possible for my child. This was my declaration from the moment I found out I was pregnant and let me tell you what... The Universe definitely answered that call and continues to do so. It's been the most beautifully, gut wrenching, heart expanding, most excruciating experience of my life but I will walk through any fire and die to my old self as many times as necessary in order to leave this body and exit this world having been my very best for this child. 

What I have found hard to admit, never mind say out loud, is that I am often burdened with a very powerfully negative mind. Not to say that I don't experience happiness and positivity. It's just that my brilliantly creative and powerful mind has not been used in a way that maximizes my most optimal state of existence.

It's really much deeper than that but in general, I have a very conditioned tendency to create stories in my head very quickly that always result in toxic levels of self-inflicted stress...very, very high stress and a whole lot of suffering. It had gotten so bad that I recently found myself at a medical facility having blood drawn because I was growing seriously concerned that something was wrong.

What I've come to realize in less than a weeks time is that my thoughts have been wrecking havoc on my body and wellbeing. 

Let me explain...

I began researching case studies and more "scientific" aspects of stress and how I could decrease mine stress levels. I should add that I have a regular yoga and meditation practice that is my saving Grace but it doesn't usually sustain me in the heat of the moment. I truly couldn't imagine where I'd be without my personal sadhana (sacred practice) because my stress and anxiety levels can go through the roof on any given day. This, I found to be a little depressing considering how long these practices have been a way of life for me. They definitely help me in so many ways but I was seeing that I needed to address the root of the problem. Fortunately I had a good starting point in knowing that the problem had everything to do with my thoughts.

I had been listing to an interview with Amit Sood MD of the Mayo Clinic when something clicked for me. When my mind began to write and play out the next "story", it just came to me and I immediately interrupted the thought by saying, 

"NOT REAL."

That's it. Not real.

It's NOT real. It's conditioning and while I've had experiences in this lifetime and in lifetimes past that have deeply affected my present day experiences, I'm realizing that

I have the power to change my neural pathways.

By telling myself "Not Real." mid thought, I stop the story dead in it's tracks at its conception and I save myself a plethora of bodily tension, stress, anxiety and even anger. I'm seeing that when I buy into the conditioned addiction (conditioning and repetition of any kind can definitely become a subconscious addiction) of allowing these stories to play out, my vibrational frequency becomes lower and lower.

What I means is...

When I'm (you/we/anyone) under constant stress (which results in an overspill of cortisol/stress hormone which can create a whole *other* problem), I'm in my lower level thinking (in yoga we would call this the Ego self) human self. When constantly in our lower level thinking brain, our vibration/energetic field decreases. When our energetic field decreases, WE BECOME SICK.

I have not been feeling well. It matters very little what I change in my diet or how much yoga and meditation I get in, my wellness and how I feel has not improved over the last several months. In my current nutrition studies, one of the first things I learned was the differences between what we call "Primary" and "Secondary" food. If any aspect of our state of being OR outside world, relationships, creative expression in the world or lack thereof are off balance, we can eat all the kale in the world and we will still find ourselves unwell. 

In less than a week, I've mentally spoken these 2 little words to myself no less than a few hundred times. 

In less than a week, I've elevated my levels, frequency and consistency of happiness and have decreased the levels and frequency of stress exponentially. 

To add to this, I've also consciously begun offering something to myself that increases my vibrations immediately following these 2 very powerful words... 

You see, when we're consistently in our negative mind or our reptilian brain, we slowly diminish our vibration over time. When we shift our awareness to something that brings us genuine innate joy and happiness, we feel our cells begin to dance instantaneously.

Try it... think of the face of someone you love beyond words or your "happy place"...notice what changes in your body when aligning yourself with Love. There's likely a softness within your tissues whereas before (in a state of stress) there's a gross muscular tension and/or a tightness of breath...nothing too subtle about it. In your sweet space, the tissues soften, the muscles relax, the corners of the mouth turn up, we experience an inner spaciousness and a lightness of Being... and our energetic heart field expands. 

So today... less than 1 week after this life altering practice, I've got a lot of work to do in developing a new neural response and natural reflex. Today, I'm telling myself what is and is not real and when I catch myself in a moment of story telling, I NAME IT...and then I bring my conscious awareness to images and people that make my heart sing. This, I believe, will play a huge role in what makes and keeps me WELL from here forward.

Jai!
(Sanskrit for "VICTORY!")

XO

More On Letting Go

'In the endthese things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go?'
~ Gautama Buddha

Letting go... 

It's truly my biggest karmic work in this lifetime and motherhood is a very intense, very "in your face" practice of this on a day to day basis-one that literally brings me to my knees on a regularly. Matter of fact, it was earlier this week that I found myself on the floor in a dark yoga studio bathroom praying and talking to the Universe...

"Okay... I need help...and I'm listening now..."

Letting go... I believe...is our primary aim in yoga practice and is the sole vehicle to opening not only to the beautiful possibilities but to the Truth of who and what we really are.

When I look far below the surface of all that I have often made things to be about and begin to have clear seeing in the direction of what truly is, in hindsight, I've only been able to achieve this *because* I had the courage to let go.

It's a daily practice and one that has to constantly be reinvented. In my experience, it most definitely isn't a passive practice, it's a very conscious one. Learning to let go, even in the tiniest bite size piece at a time, has been instantaneous in decreasing opportunities for me to shame and guilt myself and has increased my vibrations and energetic field. Quite simply stated, I FEEL better when I am able to let "it" go a little bit.

Above all else, when I'm aware of my holding patterns and work to let go of my conditioning, I'm Graced with elevated happiness and inner ease and this enables me a deeper presence to my life, my child and husband and to my own experience.

May we be compassionate witnesses towards the part of ourselves that creates the self-inflicted wounds. May we put down the weapon and begin to hold ourselves in the Light of Love.

XO
SM

“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles." ~ ~ Gautama Buddha

Opening & Unfolding

"Sometimes your life boils down to one insane move." ~Avatar

The diaper wearing Guru Buddha baby is nearly 7 months young. Finally, finally, I'm consistently feeling the ground beneath my feet and a sturdiness within my (new) person. 

I'm in a little bit of a (spontaneous, of course) routine that has so graciously afforded me room for a much needed self-care rhythm as well. A night of uninterrupted sleep sounds like a foreign concept so I don't feel that I'm missing much there and have adjusted pretty well. My nutrition has been pretty spot on-because it absolutely has to be right now- although I could be and should be drinking more water. Always, more water. 

All is changing...

I've been getting in a lot more yoga than I had been as well. Recently, I resolved to practicing some yoga and meditation every day for the next 365 days. How's that for creating a habit :) It's just become so clear that I'm simply a better woman, a better human being and certainly a better wife and mother having a daily yoga practice. And quite honestly, I *need to meditate regularly. Chilling out does not come easily or naturally to me. People who relate to me as a yoga teacher might be surprised to hear that but if anything about me is true, this is it. It's also true that I practice yoga and meditate out of *necessity, because I have to. My refreshed and fierce new found love of it is so satisfying yet so different than before, in so many ways. Quite honestly though, it comes down to the fact that I've learned I simply must.

That said...

My mantra for 2013 is "I am Opening too...".

I've thought a bit about what that means, what I'm wanting to open myself to. I'm definitely still in the continuum that is the process of birthing my new self after birthing our son. Within that, I have been going inward, listening to what is in need of letting go of ...then have rephrased what I've found in the affirmative. This is what I've come up with so far:

I am opening to...

Being someone people feel good being around, someone who people miss when gone

I am opening to...
Connecting with other women near and far...listening to the inner whisper in what that will look like

I am opening to...

A steadfast and ongoing evolution of my Mindfulness practice..."Pause, breathe, inner smile, respond"

I am opening to...

Softening my edges

I am opening to...

Cultivating inner beauty

I am opening to...

New, fresh & authentic creative self-expression..."You get a brand new, blank canvas, Sanieh."

I am opening to...

365 days of yoga and meditation

I am opening to...

Pausing before speaking and becoming a master listener

I am opening to...

Discovering, fulfilling, developing and using what I've been given to its fullest potential..."What would my higher self do?"

I am opening to...

Slowing down, Checking in and remembering that THIS moment is all there is all that needs my attention and tending to. This is my job. Nowhere else more important to be, nothing else more important to do.

I am opening to...

Conscientious daily expressions of Loving Kindness ...How many different ways can I show and express my love for my husband?
~~~

This is where I am right now. 

Opening, for me, is about a continued practice in Surrender... of all things that were. 
When I surrender, I'm left open. 
When I am left open, I'm also left with a curiosity of all that wants to be born through me. 
May I be awake, willing and open to watering those gardens like never before...for the greater good.

Love All Ways.

Sanieh

Memoir in Three.

I read about this exercise that helps writers uncover details of their lives by picking 10 years and writing about it. The catch? Use three word sentences. For years, I've wanted to write a book but the aim of that book has died, been reborn and changed many times as my life has. This is a little more than the last 10 years of my life, out of order and less some specifics, parts and people but it is honest, at times a little messy and a reflection of my vulnerability.

I began writing this several weeks ago and would come back, reread and add to it. I intend to spend more time with this kind of writing, focusing on condensed periods of my life. To be honest, I don't know proper writing organization nor would I win a spelling bee. I can get wordy and I have an incredible ability to create run on sentences for days on end but I can write from the heart and do so in a way that is very conversational as if we were sitting together having tea. :)

I write to clear my head and to organize my thoughts and the experiences that have made a home in my heart (and everywhere else in my body for the matter). I also write with hopes that through sharing my experiences, someone out there can find some healing for themselves. Writing helps me get to the heart of some of my experiences in life. I hope that the unfolding of my life, through the written word, can be evidence that in the end, it all works out.

Maybe I'll end up getting the memoir written one day after all.

Before and after. Then and now. Life in words. Tell a story. Not just any. But YOUR story. In three words. Three words Only. Ready set go.

Who was I? A yoga teacher. An only daughter. A motherless daughter. An only sister. A middle child. Bunch of brothers. One parted ways. Was his decision. Had to forgive. "Let it go." Lots to forgive. Lots to admit. Lots of anger. Anger lasted years. Heart was broken. He blamed me. I was young. So very young. Took me years. To stop personalizing. Not about me. His own karma. Much easier now. Then the truth. Found out truths. Many many truths. Deceptions and lies.Truths about Dad. Love my dad. Still love him. Despite the secrets. Mom never told. Then she died. Death defined me. The "story" did. This lasted years. What a mess. So many secrets. Had difficulties coping.  I'm a secret. She could've shared. She should've shared. Tried to protect. Would've hurt less. Little less shock. But she didn't. Lies create lies. Secrets create lies. Finally moved on. Met another brother. Brand new brother. 10 years older. A loving brother. Loves and accepts. We share eyes. Name is Mike. Big brother Mike. We've moved on. From the lies. From the secrets. Had to forgive.  Healing is crucial. Forgiveness saves lives. Mistakes are made. Lies are told. Still must forgive. I'll never understand. As a mom. But I've forgiven. Really have forgiven. Even the deceased. Only love now. 

How about yoga? There was yoga. Ohhh the yoga. I was humble. Yoga was grounding. What is this? Who was I? "What is Namaste'? " "Read the sign." Loved my teacher. Very first teacher. Tried to meditate. "Are there colors?" She said no. No more meditation. No more colors.  No inflated ego. Just self-discovery. Just my curiosity. Things were fresh.  Moved to mainland. Bounced around some. Started teaching yoga. Was quite bendy. Slowly became strong. Met another teacher. "Studied studied studied." Slowly grew ego. Ego hurt heart. Heart still recovering. Yep, from ego. Only different now. Self-defining ego. Self-defining bullshit. I was "teacher". Such a joke. Self-defined teacher. Forgot about student. The student within. Became pretty bored. Became pretty self-absorbed. Became very frustrated. Frustrated with students. Not just self. But outside students. Saw it happening. Had to crash. Hard hard fall. Had to fall. Not really recommended. Was my path. Wouldn't change path. Death by ego. Harmful Inflated ego. Creates false seeing. Creates false everything. 

Ohh before that...Lived in Austin. Moved to Hawaii. I got married. Didn't have "marriage". Just the title. Much to young. Both of us. Moved to TN. Moved to Clarksville. Then got divorced. Moved to Nashville. Major life changes. Got a "job". Hated that job! Then another breakup. Got very depressed. Slept on floor. Darkness for days. 3 days specifically. Then heard birds. While on floor. Birds at night? Singing at night? Wrote about it. Just like light. Light in darkness. Got off floor. Took a shower. Met with Daphne. Gave me peonies. Love peonies now. Met Dr. Robin. Went twice weekly. "Challenge irrational beliefs!!" Never forgot that. Never forget that. Never forget myself. Thank you, Robin. 

Then what happened? 

Went to Vipassana. 10 days straight. 11 hours daily. Silence and mediation. 10 straight days. No eye contact. No spoken words. Absolute self-study. Silence Silence Silence. Body, speech, mind. First time ever. All in nature. It was perfect. Back to meditation. Didn't see colors. But saw soul. Soul was injured. Remembered some things. Didn't want to. We're all healing. 

Often felt separate. "Separation is illusion". Was never separate. Just got lost. Didn't love self. Didn't *know Love. Didn't know *self. Didn't know *how. Lived in "stories". World's biggest judge. Judge of self. World's biggest critic. Critic of self. Abused my body. Recklessly abused body. Abused my intuition. Didn't honor intuition. Felt a fake. Felt a hypocrite. Wore many "OM"s. Wore many malas. "Aren't I legit? See my malas? See my website? See my backbend? I'm a teacher. See my photographs? See the magazines?" Me me me. Sanieh was lost. Sanieh...who's Sanieh? Slowly started realizing. Path is inward. "Definition" isn't external. Truth isn't backbends. "Yogini" isn't malas. Truth is Love. Nothing else matters. All is Love. Whatever that means.  Seriously, just Love. Am still comprehending. Want to know. Letting "it" go. Biggest karmic work. LET GO, SANIEH. To be realized. Fully fully realized. To teach son. Teach through being. Still not there. At my potential. Not there yet...

Am growing though...

Then met Jeff. We just clicked. Timing finally right. For us both. For *someone right. Had some healing. Had some forgiveness. Not complete yet. Mostly inward stuff. But much better. We both knew. We both grew. He loved me. He told me. I told him. We both loved. I thanked God. Who was God? Jeff showed me. Didn't mean to. But he did. Never was alone. Never was forgotten. Was Always loved. Loved by God. God inside me. Not separate God. Not outside God. God within me. He teaches that. "He" meaning Jeff. Doesn't mean to. Doesn't even know.  But he does. Love him so. Still searching though. Searching for God. Makes no sense. No "search" needed. God is there. In my everything. Always been there. Still absorbing this. Still digesting it. May take time.  Is "Love" God? Maybe Loves' God.

"Oh My Goddess". "Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!". I couldn't speak. Sat on toilet. Covered my face. Literally, 20 minutes. Couldn't speak words. Only spoke tears. "Oh my God". Was *this God? In my belly? Always wanted motherhood. Started to wonder. He held space. "Gonna be PARENTS!" He said whispering. I'll never forget. I was terrified. Wanted it though. Was still terrified. Motherless daughter here. Wondered, "Could I?" Knew I could. But was sad. Wanted MY mom. Was "story" defined. Worked through that. Very different now. Am still sad. On some days. Am also strong. On most days. And I remember. Its all perfect.

Jeff proposed marriage. At Yoga Vida. On his mat. Where we practiced. In the mandala. "Help with handstand?" But no handstands. On his knee. Gave me kisses. Still was clueless. Then a ring. Made for me. I said "Yes". Vic freaked out. Quite funny, really :) We married there. AT Yoga Vida. Couldn't believe it.  I cried hard. Finally my turn. "I choose you." Giant Ganesha Altar. On yoga mat. Where we met. Yoga mat altar. OM Jai Ganesha. Auspicious new beginnings. 

Something started happening...

Ego began deflating. Damn inflated ego. Was still teaching. With more humility. Think they knew. I definitely knew. It was time. I would pray. Pray for love. To share love. Teach from love. Real deal love. "Just breathe, Sanieh." I spoke less. I loved more. Wanted to heal. Myself and them. For my son. Can I heal? Knew I could. If I loved. Space was created. I stopped talking. Opened my heart. Facilitated fluid peace. Opening for all. I would cry. Chant and cry.  "Mata Durga Swaha." Cried during Savasana. So did they. We cried together. Did they know? We're all healing. The yoga heals. The right kind. "Right" is relative.

Felt baby move.  On wedding night. Sweet baby boy. God loved me. I never knew. I felt punished. Did something bad. Really really bad. The mom died. Thought God punished. That's not true. God doesn't punish. Its all lies. Love only loves. Wondering what name. "God" and baby. How about "Universe"? How about "Goddess"? How about "Light"? How about "Grace"? How about "Spirit"? How about "Love"? Sometimes resist "God". Name and essence. Name and existence. Existence within myself. Working on that. Again, for son. Know there's Truth. Truth deep down. God in belly. Grace in belly. It's all love. Names don't matter. God doesn't punish. Grace doesn't forget. I was loved. Had to be. I had proof! Proof in Jeff. Proof in belly. I was opened. I was loved. I am loved. Was always loved. 

Sweet growing baby. Labored at home. Chose home birth. Best choice ever. Rocked my foundation. Foundation still rocked. Still quite profound. "Profound" is overused. It's MUCH bigger. Shook ENTIRE Universe. Everyone is different. Everything is different. Who am I? Not the same. Never her again. Pregnancy did that. I saw suffering. As a child. My own mother. I remembered that. During my pregnancy. Saw her suffer. Hurt my heart. Growing momma heart. "Please God, please. Not my baby." Never see suffering. Can't protect that. But not ME. No suffering mommy. Not like mine. Please God, please. Protect my child. Protect his eyes. See me thrive. See mommy happy. Never suffering mommy. Jeff promised me. "It's my gift. Gift to you. Not our baby. Don't you worry. I promise you. Not that life. Won't be his. Not that loss. He'll never see. No suffering mommy. No suffering parents. Not like that." Thank you, God. Thanks for Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. For our baby. For your promises.

June this year. Busy hot Saturday. Went to nursery. Got some plants. Hot  Hot Hot. Took a nap. Felt some cramps. Then water broke. Labor happened quickly. "Gum Ganapatiye Namaha". Removal of obstacles. Fear lasted seconds. There I chanted. Chanted during labor. Many different chants. Some the same. Same as pregnancy. He was familiar. Knew my voice. Recognized the chants. 1 specific chant. 1 specific song. Recognized them both. Then it happened. I saw God. In my arms. Baby loved me. I loved him. In an instant. Never the same. Shiny, new baby. Thank you, God. Smiling right now. I gave birth. Then I died. Died right there. In our home. Where I birthed. 

Who am I ? She's no more. Brand New Woman. Grew a baby. Then baby left. Left my body. Now new body. Trying to ground. In new body. In my heart. Catching my breath. Still, almost everyday.  My new heart. My new thoughts. My new worries. My new love. Protect him, God.  Please protect Keyhan. My heart expanded. Grew another chamber. Still in recovery. Open heart surgery. Recovery never ends. Body recovers though. Still in adjustment. I'm a mom. A motherless mother. Its all serendipitous. Its all inexplainable. I'm a mommy. Mommy to Keyhan. Keyhan means "Universe". He's OUR Universe. 

Yoga is random. Random at home. Perfect yoga though. Teacher no more. That's not true. Teacher of love.  Now a student. Student to Guru. Baby boy Guru. Jeff is yoga. He's my yoga. Opportunities in humility. "Letting Go" opportunities. Inflated ego shatters. Its a mess. Death of ego. Starting brand new. Not her anymore. Never her again. Self-Identification struggles. Who was I? Who am I? There is time. Time for everything. I am unfolding. New me unfolding. Keyhan's mommy now. Jeff's wife now. Focused energy now. There is time. For other things. Just not now. Focused on love. Loving my family. Being their heartbeat.  Brand new Sanieh. Not sure yet. Who she is. Who she'll become. Slow, full breaths. Om Jai Ganesha. Here I am. Every new day. I wanted love. Now its here. Saw this life. Was always here. Just didn't know. Once was blind. Now I see. In my belly. Now on bed. Sleeping sweet baby. Happy happy baby. Happy happy mommy. Happy happy Daddy. I'm still adjusting. For a while. Just my path.  Hard to convey. But am breathing. Thank you, God. So much love. 

...And then She Danced.

There are so many things this body cannot do right now. 

There are so many beautiful images I see of the human form that I can practically taste yet I know they are not for me at this moment. It's all relative of course.

Earlier today, we had some maternity photographs taken. Our first official family portraits :) At one point, Jeff and I went into headstands and I started to play in lotus while inverted; something this body had been conditioned to do so very easily in my pre-pregnancy days. What were once my incredibly open hips, seem to feel like legs of a barbie doll that, upon being pushed to deeply, would pop off of my body. 

There are many things this body may or may not be able to do right now but I know that the payoff for going in these directions will be non-existent with a far greater risk than any possible reward. So instead, I visualize and I admire and I appreciate, from a whole new gifted perspective, what I have previously felt in this body knowing that this is a very special time and that all of "that" will be there for me to re-explore in the most intimate, present way ever, soon enough.

Instead, I choose to focus on what this beautiful body I get to call mine for the time being CAN do.

It can fill out and become more curvaceous than it's ever been. It can expand and stretch and remain smooth and soft even so. This beautiful body has the power to make all that it contains feel more feminine, sexy, fluid and graceful than ever before. 

It has empowered me. 

It has given me the most confidence in my body's natural abilities, deepened my intuition and sense of bodily awareness 

And it has allowed the man I love to love me even more, and more OF me, in ways he has never in his life imagined loving the feminine. 

This life giving, life sustaining body that I get to call mine isn't currently putting legs behind the head or twisting up in arm balances effortlessly and with ease like before. 

 Instead...

These hips are creating a different kind of space.

 These breasts are becoming full and firm with the nectar of life. 

And what was once a flat belly is now a beautiful blossoming and *moving henna belly that is the KEEPER of life as it houses its swimming creation...the very creation whose birth will complete the orgasm that in its nature completes the most intimate expression of commitment, loyalty and love two human beings can share. 

No... this body isn't doing the aesthetically celebrated deep openings it once was nor does it feel the need to. 

Instead, it's preparing for the most profound, most feminine deep opening known to humankind.

It is resting, nurturing, loving, sustaining and CREATING LIFE...the very life that will make its way through the very body that is the lifeline and source of creation.

What this body CAN do is 

Dance 
and 
Move 
like
Water. 

I can close my eyes, lift the corners of my mouth and move my spine and hips to the tribal sounds, Egyptian and world beats that fill this naturally lit space as my arms and body float in the most sensual way they have ever moved before. As this body feels the percussion move through Her, She is guided by Mother Earth as she bends and breathes all that surrounds and supports her while emphasizing each new curve. 

What this body can do is Create Life 
for the growing Love inside of it

and 

Give life BACK 
to the keeper of it.

 A Full Woman I Am.

 And THAT is to be celebrated.

Accessability through social media & technology. Where's the balance?

When I'm in bed and unable to sleep, I usually pick up my phone and begin lurking around facebook. As a matter of fact, before logging into my blog page to write this entry, I went to facebook. Before that, I was in bed, looking at my phone because there were not 1 but 2 FB icons on my home screen giving me notices. It's become somewhat of a mindless addiction and means to receive all kinds of unnecessary information that is polluting my mind and taking up space that could and should otherwise be used in more productive ways.

The theme of the last few entries have been that of extreme change with an underlying tone of my feeling the deepest need ever to silence myself externally and to create more spaciousness internally. 

For a while I've thought about shutting off the email feature on my phone or going back to a basic, "old school" phone that's designed to use for talking and nothing else. I currently maintain not 1 but 3 different emails (4 if you count facebook email- don't get me started on that...) and while things are slowing down a little as I am transitioning out of teaching in preparation for becoming a mommy, it takes up space creating what Ayurveda calls "deranged Vata" energy. Vata energy is sort of "all over of the place" (think "windy" in the head) and the farthest from grounded. Being a woman of simplicity in many, many ways, I'm tempted to say fuck it and delete all of them just so that I can exhale...not so fast, Sanieh. 

The other day, I got a string of text messages from a number I didn't recognize only to realize it was from Andrew, the guy at the dealership where my husband and I inquired about a new vehicle. I hadn't responded to his voicemails in a timely fashion so he sent me a string of text messages asking me what package we were interested in etc. The assumption here is that we are all available in this way and it's probably safe to say that most are. I certainly have been although I've been conditioning myself not always feel the need to respond and certainly not immediately. Up until about 2 weeks ago, I actually had a voicemail message that stated the fact that I do not check my voicemail regularly nor do I return messages immediately unless there is a sense of urgency. It was my first step to creating space around a habit of being so readily available and reachable. Actually, it was my second attempt. Long before this, I had a similar outgoing message on my business email account. You get my drift though.

All of this to say...

I get that it's somewhat of what I like to call a "positive problem". I'm happy and grateful to have business communications and to be able to receive an abundance of information that the world-wide web offers and of course I'm so grateful to have friends who care about me and are interested in my well being and that of my growing family be it on facebook or email. I really am. But what concerns me is where my energy is going and where more of it should be going. 

I read something recently about how my generation is the first that will be technology driven / dependent parents. I find it both interesting and sad that we can go to a movie or to dinner and almost every single person is on their PDA. It's so not affirming to be with someone who is clearly somewhere else with someone else rather than with me, the person who is in front of them, in the flesh. And as a friend of mine once asked on his facebook page, "what did people do on the potty before PDAs?" Funny... but true.

I am feeling more present in my life than ever right now yet I feel a need for more. 

I feel a need to become more mindful of the things, thoughts, impressions I am filling my head with. So much of what we are receiving and storing in our consciousness is on a subconscious level. 

How can I be a teacher of presence to my child when I'm constantly being pulled out of the present moment and into someone else's life on and off, all day long or allowing myself to constantly be so readily available in so many?

How can I BE present to my child when I've got my phone attached to my hip checking emails and text messages all day long allowing myself to be so available which pulls me out of the here and now? 

So where's the balance in all of this? Where's the balance in being communicative where much of society comes to together while having a strong sense of groundedness in our own lives with our families and loved ones? Where's the balance of being a part of and receiving the many benefits that social media and technology has to offer us without being so readily available to the the world all of the time? Honestly, the only person I need or want to be THAT available to right now is my husband... and my child when he is born. That's it. I really have no need to keep myself so available all of the time. It's my opinion that the notion that I do is arrogant really. I don't know where this balance is but I'm growing desperate to find it. What I know for sure is that I need to turn off all notifications that come in through my phone and seriously limit myself to how much time I spend mindlessly lurking around social media sites. 

I love my friends and I am grateful for facebook in that it has allowed me to stay connected to some people and to reconnect and become friends with people who I might not have otherwise been connected to. I'm grateful for it, I'm just saying that it's served it's purpose. I'm also grateful for technology in geneeral. I'm just feeling like it occupies so much of my energy. 

So, lets talk. 

Give me a call. I'm OK with emailing. Just know that I am freeing myself of the sense of urgency/constant checking of it multiple times a day. And I can even be OK with occasional text messaging  for small, simple things but not for "conversations" and certainly not for anything of significance or importance. I'd honestly rather just talk.

I am SO guilty of all of these things and is my way of taking action to control the one aspect of it that I have the power to control and that's how I choose to use technology and to what extent which results in how available I allow myself to be. 

I honestly cannot tell you how many times I've looked at, checked or messed with my emails today or in any other given 24 hour period of time. Same thing with text messages although that might be a little less on the checking side of it... I do send them quicker than I check them. 

Deep breaths. Pulling more energy inward and minimizing the chaotic energy I'm responsible for creating and letting in around me. Small steps towards a deeper presence. That's all I want, really. I just want to be more present in the here now with those who are in front of me. 

And so it shall be...

Anicca.

Back in 2007, I took a vow of silence and entered into Goenka-ji's lineage of Vipassana Meditation. The course is a commitment. One takes a vow of silence in body, speech and mind for a solid 10 days, turning in all reading and writing materials as well as every piece of technology they might have shown up with. As if this were not intense enough, one also commits to cease, for the entire 10 days, any and all other forms of spiritual practice/prayer/meditation in all forms. While it's compatible, students are even asked to cease yoga asana, in an effort to still the mind and to be able to give full attention and full credit to the tradition of meditation at hand. Furthermore, one is asked to commit to the cessation of all physical forms of activity including but not limited to any and all exercise (walking is allowed) and all expressions of "self-pleasure".

It sounds militant perhaps but each person who shows up knows what is expected of them so the choice is theirs. A final commitment is asked on the evening post dinner, just before we "vow in" and make our first step into the mediation hall. The final commitment is that we do not, absolutely under no circumstances, leave the 10 day course in the middle of it for any reason. When I went, there were at least 2 people that I know of that couldn't handle it and were taken through a very slow exit process so that everyone was ensured that all mental, emotional and psychological windows that had opened up, could be properly "secured" before letting these individuals roam free in the world again.

It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life and I would certainly say that one has to be in the right place and right frame of mind in their life to be able to commit to such a thing of course. More so, one needs to be willing and able to have a long, cold and very quiet look at themselves in the mirror. For this reason, there is somewhat of a screening to make sure people who are depressed or have any kind of mental disordered not attend. While the external circumstances are extremely quiet, meditating for eleven hours a day (Yes, eleven.), for 10 days straight, can seem pretty damn loud in one's thinker if you know I mean.

Since having attended and learned this particular style of meditation (we spent the first 3 days preparing for the meditation with a different one mind you) as it was intended in it's original form and lineage (there are other ones out there that claim to be the same but lack the around the clock complete vow of silence which dilutes the teachings at best according to their origin and Goenka-ji himself), I have sent a few student-friends who inquired to experience it themselves. Because of how the teachings are passed on, my interests are not in trying to share what I learned through such in depth time, study and of course, application of practice then and since then, but I will share a few morsels of what I picked up from that time that have a direct impact of my life, more so now than ever before.

Every evening there was a "teacher's discourse" where the facilitator, one of Goenka's long time students, would play recordings of his and his teachings for us to apply over the next 24 hours. Even so, there were few words, very little talking or even instruction and hours and hours of time to "practice".

I can still hear the sound of his voice as he would so smoothly repeat, "Anicca...Anicca...Changing...Changing..."

This made such an impact on me during the course that I tattooed a reminder on my wrist.

One of the many languages of the Buddha was Pali. The course, for the most part, is in Pali. Anicca translates as "changing" much like Anitya in Sanskrit translates as "impermanence". For me, Anicca is my life's reminder that it's all changing. Be present, right now. The time IS Now. Nothing stays the same forever. It's sort of the proverbial string around the finger when I think about it that is always there whispering "remember...".

So many things are changing in my life right now. I have feelings about them but mostly I'm more in the seat of observation that ever before. Something happens when there's a deep knowing that it's time for change and/or that it's necessary. As I enter into my last week of regularly schedule public classes (see the previous post) so that I can take some much needed personal time over the next few months, I know that never again will my life as I have known and experienced it be the same. While tendency can be to put meaning of "good" or "bad" to such a thing, it's nowhere on my radar to do so, but there IS reflection.

I moved back to Austin in 2007 with a fire under my butt to make this work. I was committed to teaching yoga and to do so for a living, to become debt-free and to be able to have and do the things I wanted in life-travel the world on behalf of my "job" in particular. As life would have it, I did just that. By many standards (most importantly, personal ones), I created, from nothing but a dedicated heart, a successful career for myself. As a teacher-friend of mine once said about the upside to what we do, I was able to "live a rich man's lifestyle in traveling the world, making my own schedule and calling the shots" for the most part. I came here to do something, worked hard and accomplished pretty much all that I set out to do. Over the years there were re-evaluations of what it was that I thought I wanted or what I thought was important but at the end of the day, what truly mattered was accomplished and anything I can think of that was not, was all egocentric and meaningless when it comes to down to it anyway.

Knowing this, I let go. 
I say "thank you". 
And I rest.

Reflection is required for me to take a few deep breaths so that over the next few months I can sit in front of the alter of possibility that is the blank canvas of my life. Pictures are already being painted on this canvas and they include my new husband and our new home we are about to close on and move into; the very home I intend to give birth to child in and the very home a family will grow roots in. The details have yet to be filled in just as the colors of my reinvention have yet to reveal themselves but all in good time.

Anicca...
It's all changing.

As a long time student of yoga and a student first and foremost long before and long after being a teacher, I am reminded that there is more.

As I enter into my third trimester of pregnancy and begin to quiet the external dialog and open doors that have remained unopened into the invisible landscape of all that's true and possible in the sea of the illusions of thoughts, self-definitions, labels, new inspirations and aspirations and so much more, there's a little bit of uncertainty but for the first time ever, I'm without a sense of clinging or attachment.


"Anicca. Anicca. Changing. Changing." 

Every part of me is in expansion right now...

It's all new each day. I had incredible energy in my second trimester and I feel the shifts as I find myself closer and closer to birthing this baby but more than anything else, I just want to stop the external dialog and use other, more creative ways to express what I'm processing right now. There is a relief and a deep sense accomplishment almost in honoring this instinctual desire to take some personal time, retain some of the energy that I'm so use to giving and slow down a little bit now.

I'm excited about motherhood.
I'm excited to see my husband become, and grow as, a father.
I'm excited about recreating myself.
I'm excited about re-evaluating what's important and I want/need to be the best ME for myself and my family.
I'm excited to show up to my gifts, talents and creative juices in a new form with new and growing inspirations.
I'm excited about new direction, inspiration and purpose.

I'm excited that it's all changing. I'm just deeply reflective right now and growing more and more quiet at time goes on...and that's a good thing.

How it all began...

Very recently, someone said to me "I honestly don't see how you put yourself out there, in front of all, willing to be judged, liked, loved, or even hated." . What I found most interesting about that statement was that I only recently realized just how much of myself I *don't* put out there due to those very fears. It's all perception I suppose.While it's true that the possibility exists; people will always have an opinion, certainly their own interpretation, yet all we can really be is ourselves and at the end of the day. Hopefully we rest our heads having done so in a way that's completely honesty with ourselves, never once having been held back by our own "stuff".

This title "Bold, Brave, & Free", this day, and the new goggles through which the woman who resides in this body now sees the world through stands for this very thing. From here forth, I take a personal responsibility and a strong stance for myself to look deeply and intently at whatever it is thats' held me back for so many years and address it as the illusion and story that it is so that I can get on with it and play my life FULL OUT.

A few weeks ago, I spent 12 hours a day for 3 straight days in an educational seminar called Landmark Forum. Now, I have to say, I've made an entire career; a successful one, out of self-study, inward movement and "being present". I've taken vows of silence in body, speech and mind upon entering into 10 days of silence with 11 hours of meditation a day in an effort to burn off "samskaras" or deep rooted karmic miseries held in he body. I've travel to visit ashrams and sacred temples all over the world including Indonesia, Guatemala and in South India where I even received personal embrace and blessing by the living "hugging saint", Amma-ji, believed by some to be a reincarnation of Mother Teresa.

I've paid what some would spend on a college education on my yogic studies, have chanted 108 rounds of the Hanuman Chalisa and have Gayatri mantra'd my ass off countless times. My experiential education of yoga has far surpassed the national standard set for teachers in terms of actual teacher training hours and I've made a living that's afforded me enough to maintain my debt-free status (through simple living of course), accolades, respect, dare I say "popularity" and much recognition never mind the ability to create my own schedule including travel, call my own shots etc; none of which held a candle (OK it's held a candle... but it sure as shit has shone a different depth of light!) to the insights and break throughs I was left with having attended the Landmark Forum. No exaggeration. Not to discount any of these things I've listed, I would not have "gotten" the ongoing experience in the way I have and continue to daily had I not had these other parts of what is sure to be important material for the continuum. It's just been completely different and I likely wouldn't have been able to receive any of it without the experiences of the other. What's I'm saying is, one has to be ready to receive that which is in front of them or being presented. Just  because it's there, doesn't mean we are able (or willing) to embrace it. Nor does it mean that we are even able to be witness to it's presence in front of our faces if we aren't open to possibilities of the existence of new things.

I've said it before so I mine as well go for it again... I am not, in any fashion affiliated with Landmark Education what so ever nor do I have any friends who are in affiliation with them (although I know a gang of people who have attended their seminars).

The best way I can explain what I gained from this experience is this:

You know how Einstein's brain was studied and it was determined how much more of his brain he used compared to the next "ordinary" person? And how much of the human brain was still untouched even from the standpoint of the brilliant; more "used" mind? I so fully believe that I tapped into a part of my brain that had been dormant and not only that, but on an alchemical level, something shifted in my body (I suppose from the intense, prolonged mental and emotional shifts). How do I know this? Because even my sweat began to have a different smell during the intensity I experienced during those 3 days. Odd perhaps; but true.  As I reread that last line in laughter, my inclination is to delete it because old patters would have me caring what someone would think even though we all sweat, but it's true.

While I would have said before that I actually *live* for this kind of thing, nothing could have prepared me for what was to come. Whatever I was living wasn't to this degree of understanding and clarity. I would be lying if I didn't say that I can so totally see how something of this nature could send someone over "the edge" if they lacked any mental stability. No, I'm not exaggerating. It's that profound.

It's extremely difficult to give a play by play of what took place in that room with those people all weekend long but I'm certain we all carry a mutual respect for one another if nothing else seeing we (as one participant and old friend said to me...) "went through emotional battle together". We really are all so much alike. Our stories we tell ourselves are different but we are the same.

Late Sunday evening I had made a few phone calls, one being to a friend who had been through the Forum. I was in weeping excitement and felt liberated ready to live my life in a way that I had never been able to do before. Exhausted however; I just needed sleep and water.

I feel it important to share that this, like anything else, likely is not fun for everyone in terms of comfort level (...but what's comfort going to do for you anyway?). If you don't like internal confrontation and seeing where you play small in your life, you might not like it so much but don't confuse that with not needing it. I do believe, like great therapy, the world would be a better, happier, more productive and peaceful place if everyone (who was sane) attended Landmark Forum.

So I woke up Monday morning at 6:45am sharp and immediately felt a deep sense of terror. Terror? Yes, terror. I actually woke up feeling so fearful of the undoubted realization that *I* am so fully and completely responsible for the outcome of my life which scared the fuck out of me. I kept telling myself the terror wasn't real; that it was a lie based on years of stories I had created around things that happened yes, but not the stories I had created which created the terror (or fear on a "normal" day). There were moments of emptiness which I would later find to be an insight that the emptiness felt was that which I had clung to for dear life, years; my fear.

Finally, I was empty of my fear...
but the fear was terrorizing me...
but it wasn't fear.
It wasn't terror.

Because one cannot undo what they know and learn from such an experience, even in those very moments, I was reminding myself that the former resident was the fear, but now, it's actually it's power; empowerment.

There was no turning back on this one. This was one of the moments. I knew something on such a profound level in this moment so I had to actually coach myself on what was real and what was not. Kind of like a child convinced there's a monster in the closet only my monster was in my bones and had lived there for what seemed to be lifetimes.

I actually got myself up, made a phone call, dried the tears of terror and made myself a cup of my favorite local coffee. The only coffee I drink actually but that's besides the point (shout out to Lola Savana Pecan Maple Nut makers!) I found myself pacing my floor on yet another phone call looking the way media would have me believe some cracked out woman would look like; offee in hand thanking my lucky stars I *wasn't accountable for my dog in that moment (she was at a friend's house) since I could hardly think straight! I realized I needed to toss the coffee and grab an electrolyte and water potion instead but the problem was that I now felt a huge sense of urgency to get so many things done because all I kept thinking was "tomorrow doesn't exist". The last 36 hours had me in a mind trip and all I could come back to was the same thing; 


the present moment is right this second...what have I been putting off?!

I didn't know where to begin, I looked a mess and I was exhausted, drained and dehydrated still. But what happened next was incredible.

On Sunday evening I had sent in motion a declaration that between then and Tuesday evening (the final night of the Forum... open to guests) I would have a look at my date book at pull from weeks ahead and actually create progression and "forward movement" (as I started calling it months ago) of those things that are important in my personal and spiritual development and evolution as a woman; yet things that I lacked complete integrity with actually making time for.

I grabbed my keys, a folder with a few important paper that I had prepared the night before and headed to the South campus of ACC to begin the formal process of registering myself for the college I never intended on or planned to attend until my previous breakthrough had surfaced a month before I attended the Landmark Forum while I was hosting a yoga retreat in Mexico. Like I stated on Sunday evening, I looked at what I had  booked out in my schedule on my "to do" list and pull from it the very thing that was most important to me. I set aside all the excuses surrounding my putting it on hold and walked right into what scared me. I could not be more excited about preparing to take on a full load of classes in the Spring, expanding my well-roundedness and stepping right into that which will result in the accomplishment of one of my biggest goals yet...but more on that later :)

One of many things I realized was that when we commit ourselves to something, even if it's a few months out (which was the case in this scenario), the ball begins to roll.

I had recently found clarity I had been needing for quite some time about my current path, role in the world or at the very least, how I identify myself and how I felt I have been identified by others in the world. I began to find understanding of where my adult drive comes from considering I wasn't a driven child or teen nor did I grow up in a regimented house hold. I didn't have a whole lot of expectation put on me and I certainly didn't put much on myself either. Don't get my wrong, this hasn't a thing to do with my parents or upbringing, I always knew I was abundantly loved and supported. This isn't at all about that.

I realized in Mexico that a part of me longed for more encouragement to "be all I could be". So when my mother was killed when I was 17, I had about one solid year of doing better than I had ever done academically before saying "fuck you, world!", dropping out of high school then straight on to a path of self destruction. For years, that decision would haunt me until I ended up going to get my GED (because I was about to go to trade school and knew I needed to have it to get in). I had to do it, I had to go through it to  find my independent nature that would later end up serving me well in many capacities (and not so much in others which I now see clearly) ultimately supporting my being successful at pretty much whatever I touched including my current career; but there's a price to pay for everything, yes? Indeed.

The price I have been paying has been suffocating. For starters, I've felt mentally brain dead for a while. I've been craving a new realm of mental stimulation for an unmeasurable amount of time. For sure i've limited myself to the perfectly square shaped container called "Sanieh the yoga teacher" as if there were nothing else I was able or ever wanted to do or become in my life. Thing is, I moved here with convictions that I would teach, for a living, no other option and that's just what I created and I'm so grateful for it all. Once I started to find peace however, that I AM so much more than just this and that I AM great at other things as well and that I DO have so many skills and talents that are surfaced and some unknown and undeveloped because I have allowed myself to be defined by the presentation I show up to the world with currently, I had the most incredible break through.

I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that while I may be really good at it, respected and well known for it; while it may be working extremely well for me in a multitude of ways, I do not in fact want to be teaching yoga for a living.



Side bar: 1) Already fear sets in as I press "publish post"..."How will that sound to a reader? A student? Will they think or perceive my words to mean I don't want to teach *at all* or that I won't be present when I do? Truth is: I am powerless over what you may think reading this or how/if you may judge, but I am SO POWERFUL in owning what's true and honest; knowing with understanding, peace and clarity exactly what I mean and intend in these words of transparency. 2) In actually coming clean, i'm finding it interesting that I'm feeling a certain level of excitement which also offers a deep sense of CALM when I think about where my personal practice will go from here seeing I've already taken an entirely new, fresh and stronger approach to the very thing that has become a very private and personal place of unapologetic, ego-less, loving and loyal refuge in my life. This possibility bleeds into that of future teaching since my breakthrough (and the ongoing insights surrounding it all) has been a way of making peace with myself. In giving myself permission to stop denying what is, the appreciation for what is ascends .


There. I said it out loud ... and I'm still breathing.

So back to the Monday morning post LMF. The fact that at 33(.5) I actually went down and registered myself for the college I never thought I wanted to attend or would ever be accepted into because my screaming stories around "I'm a high school drop out" ; regardless of my successes since then, the mere fact is absolutely a testimony to a very powerful insight I got during this recent work.


"It's not what you have (or what you do), it's who you're being"

And who I've been being hasn't been authentic because I haven't been listening to what I've known for a while. I haven't been honest with myself. I've been fighting and resisting myself in such a harsh way out of fear of how I would look or what people who think.

I mean, who wouldn't want to be running around in their jammies/Luon teaching yoga solely for a living until they die!? Who could possibly wake up feeling like there just might be something of a more fully embraced personal self-expression in the world!?



Side bar: Add in the fact that I've been so blessed (and have busted my ass from day one to make it happen of course) to have been so successful at making a living doing what I set out to do and to have done so for a good amount of time now; to some, it just might not make sense but there really is no sense making when it comes to being true to one's self now is there? 


Me. 


I want to write.

There. I said that out loud now too.


For a "living", I want to be a writer.

I can't spell to save my life and I don't know the fancy terms for structuring a phenomenal paragraph or even a sentence but ask me if I give a damn. Go ahead, ask. No, I don't. I don't because my taking that bull by the horns feels like total alignment with what I feel in my heart and it's just another vehicle for creative self-expression; one that allows me to think and use my brain in an entirely different way yet it's still means for me to "reach out and touch someone" in the world.

So, this is where I am with all of it and it's just the start to my coughing up a little more integrity in my life with setting and fulfilling personal standards for the things that are important to me and claiming them in an honest and brave way. Most importantly, this is a huge, new step moving from what I've known, ignored and silenced, into a realm of clarity; a welcomed view in the direction of personal fulfillment through a more fully, self-expressed life. A fully self-expressed life is something I long for and this happening gives me my peace of mind; an acquaintance I haven't sat with for years. And nothing is more important in my life at this very moment than peace of mind.

Stay tuned, World. There's so much more to the swell before it reaches the break. For now, I'm going to do everything I can to "become by doing" in THIS moment because in a world where the present reside, this moment is IT.