Memoir in Three.

I read about this exercise that helps writers uncover details of their lives by picking 10 years and writing about it. The catch? Use three word sentences. For years, I've wanted to write a book but the aim of that book has died, been reborn and changed many times as my life has. This is a little more than the last 10 years of my life, out of order and less some specifics, parts and people but it is honest, at times a little messy and a reflection of my vulnerability.

I began writing this several weeks ago and would come back, reread and add to it. I intend to spend more time with this kind of writing, focusing on condensed periods of my life. To be honest, I don't know proper writing organization nor would I win a spelling bee. I can get wordy and I have an incredible ability to create run on sentences for days on end but I can write from the heart and do so in a way that is very conversational as if we were sitting together having tea. :)

I write to clear my head and to organize my thoughts and the experiences that have made a home in my heart (and everywhere else in my body for the matter). I also write with hopes that through sharing my experiences, someone out there can find some healing for themselves. Writing helps me get to the heart of some of my experiences in life. I hope that the unfolding of my life, through the written word, can be evidence that in the end, it all works out.

Maybe I'll end up getting the memoir written one day after all.

Before and after. Then and now. Life in words. Tell a story. Not just any. But YOUR story. In three words. Three words Only. Ready set go.

Who was I? A yoga teacher. An only daughter. A motherless daughter. An only sister. A middle child. Bunch of brothers. One parted ways. Was his decision. Had to forgive. "Let it go." Lots to forgive. Lots to admit. Lots of anger. Anger lasted years. Heart was broken. He blamed me. I was young. So very young. Took me years. To stop personalizing. Not about me. His own karma. Much easier now. Then the truth. Found out truths. Many many truths. Deceptions and lies.Truths about Dad. Love my dad. Still love him. Despite the secrets. Mom never told. Then she died. Death defined me. The "story" did. This lasted years. What a mess. So many secrets. Had difficulties coping.  I'm a secret. She could've shared. She should've shared. Tried to protect. Would've hurt less. Little less shock. But she didn't. Lies create lies. Secrets create lies. Finally moved on. Met another brother. Brand new brother. 10 years older. A loving brother. Loves and accepts. We share eyes. Name is Mike. Big brother Mike. We've moved on. From the lies. From the secrets. Had to forgive.  Healing is crucial. Forgiveness saves lives. Mistakes are made. Lies are told. Still must forgive. I'll never understand. As a mom. But I've forgiven. Really have forgiven. Even the deceased. Only love now. 

How about yoga? There was yoga. Ohhh the yoga. I was humble. Yoga was grounding. What is this? Who was I? "What is Namaste'? " "Read the sign." Loved my teacher. Very first teacher. Tried to meditate. "Are there colors?" She said no. No more meditation. No more colors.  No inflated ego. Just self-discovery. Just my curiosity. Things were fresh.  Moved to mainland. Bounced around some. Started teaching yoga. Was quite bendy. Slowly became strong. Met another teacher. "Studied studied studied." Slowly grew ego. Ego hurt heart. Heart still recovering. Yep, from ego. Only different now. Self-defining ego. Self-defining bullshit. I was "teacher". Such a joke. Self-defined teacher. Forgot about student. The student within. Became pretty bored. Became pretty self-absorbed. Became very frustrated. Frustrated with students. Not just self. But outside students. Saw it happening. Had to crash. Hard hard fall. Had to fall. Not really recommended. Was my path. Wouldn't change path. Death by ego. Harmful Inflated ego. Creates false seeing. Creates false everything. 

Ohh before that...Lived in Austin. Moved to Hawaii. I got married. Didn't have "marriage". Just the title. Much to young. Both of us. Moved to TN. Moved to Clarksville. Then got divorced. Moved to Nashville. Major life changes. Got a "job". Hated that job! Then another breakup. Got very depressed. Slept on floor. Darkness for days. 3 days specifically. Then heard birds. While on floor. Birds at night? Singing at night? Wrote about it. Just like light. Light in darkness. Got off floor. Took a shower. Met with Daphne. Gave me peonies. Love peonies now. Met Dr. Robin. Went twice weekly. "Challenge irrational beliefs!!" Never forgot that. Never forget that. Never forget myself. Thank you, Robin. 

Then what happened? 

Went to Vipassana. 10 days straight. 11 hours daily. Silence and mediation. 10 straight days. No eye contact. No spoken words. Absolute self-study. Silence Silence Silence. Body, speech, mind. First time ever. All in nature. It was perfect. Back to meditation. Didn't see colors. But saw soul. Soul was injured. Remembered some things. Didn't want to. We're all healing. 

Often felt separate. "Separation is illusion". Was never separate. Just got lost. Didn't love self. Didn't *know Love. Didn't know *self. Didn't know *how. Lived in "stories". World's biggest judge. Judge of self. World's biggest critic. Critic of self. Abused my body. Recklessly abused body. Abused my intuition. Didn't honor intuition. Felt a fake. Felt a hypocrite. Wore many "OM"s. Wore many malas. "Aren't I legit? See my malas? See my website? See my backbend? I'm a teacher. See my photographs? See the magazines?" Me me me. Sanieh was lost. Sanieh...who's Sanieh? Slowly started realizing. Path is inward. "Definition" isn't external. Truth isn't backbends. "Yogini" isn't malas. Truth is Love. Nothing else matters. All is Love. Whatever that means.  Seriously, just Love. Am still comprehending. Want to know. Letting "it" go. Biggest karmic work. LET GO, SANIEH. To be realized. Fully fully realized. To teach son. Teach through being. Still not there. At my potential. Not there yet...

Am growing though...

Then met Jeff. We just clicked. Timing finally right. For us both. For *someone right. Had some healing. Had some forgiveness. Not complete yet. Mostly inward stuff. But much better. We both knew. We both grew. He loved me. He told me. I told him. We both loved. I thanked God. Who was God? Jeff showed me. Didn't mean to. But he did. Never was alone. Never was forgotten. Was Always loved. Loved by God. God inside me. Not separate God. Not outside God. God within me. He teaches that. "He" meaning Jeff. Doesn't mean to. Doesn't even know.  But he does. Love him so. Still searching though. Searching for God. Makes no sense. No "search" needed. God is there. In my everything. Always been there. Still absorbing this. Still digesting it. May take time.  Is "Love" God? Maybe Loves' God.

"Oh My Goddess". "Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!". I couldn't speak. Sat on toilet. Covered my face. Literally, 20 minutes. Couldn't speak words. Only spoke tears. "Oh my God". Was *this God? In my belly? Always wanted motherhood. Started to wonder. He held space. "Gonna be PARENTS!" He said whispering. I'll never forget. I was terrified. Wanted it though. Was still terrified. Motherless daughter here. Wondered, "Could I?" Knew I could. But was sad. Wanted MY mom. Was "story" defined. Worked through that. Very different now. Am still sad. On some days. Am also strong. On most days. And I remember. Its all perfect.

Jeff proposed marriage. At Yoga Vida. On his mat. Where we practiced. In the mandala. "Help with handstand?" But no handstands. On his knee. Gave me kisses. Still was clueless. Then a ring. Made for me. I said "Yes". Vic freaked out. Quite funny, really :) We married there. AT Yoga Vida. Couldn't believe it.  I cried hard. Finally my turn. "I choose you." Giant Ganesha Altar. On yoga mat. Where we met. Yoga mat altar. OM Jai Ganesha. Auspicious new beginnings. 

Something started happening...

Ego began deflating. Damn inflated ego. Was still teaching. With more humility. Think they knew. I definitely knew. It was time. I would pray. Pray for love. To share love. Teach from love. Real deal love. "Just breathe, Sanieh." I spoke less. I loved more. Wanted to heal. Myself and them. For my son. Can I heal? Knew I could. If I loved. Space was created. I stopped talking. Opened my heart. Facilitated fluid peace. Opening for all. I would cry. Chant and cry.  "Mata Durga Swaha." Cried during Savasana. So did they. We cried together. Did they know? We're all healing. The yoga heals. The right kind. "Right" is relative.

Felt baby move.  On wedding night. Sweet baby boy. God loved me. I never knew. I felt punished. Did something bad. Really really bad. The mom died. Thought God punished. That's not true. God doesn't punish. Its all lies. Love only loves. Wondering what name. "God" and baby. How about "Universe"? How about "Goddess"? How about "Light"? How about "Grace"? How about "Spirit"? How about "Love"? Sometimes resist "God". Name and essence. Name and existence. Existence within myself. Working on that. Again, for son. Know there's Truth. Truth deep down. God in belly. Grace in belly. It's all love. Names don't matter. God doesn't punish. Grace doesn't forget. I was loved. Had to be. I had proof! Proof in Jeff. Proof in belly. I was opened. I was loved. I am loved. Was always loved. 

Sweet growing baby. Labored at home. Chose home birth. Best choice ever. Rocked my foundation. Foundation still rocked. Still quite profound. "Profound" is overused. It's MUCH bigger. Shook ENTIRE Universe. Everyone is different. Everything is different. Who am I? Not the same. Never her again. Pregnancy did that. I saw suffering. As a child. My own mother. I remembered that. During my pregnancy. Saw her suffer. Hurt my heart. Growing momma heart. "Please God, please. Not my baby." Never see suffering. Can't protect that. But not ME. No suffering mommy. Not like mine. Please God, please. Protect my child. Protect his eyes. See me thrive. See mommy happy. Never suffering mommy. Jeff promised me. "It's my gift. Gift to you. Not our baby. Don't you worry. I promise you. Not that life. Won't be his. Not that loss. He'll never see. No suffering mommy. No suffering parents. Not like that." Thank you, God. Thanks for Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. For our baby. For your promises.

June this year. Busy hot Saturday. Went to nursery. Got some plants. Hot  Hot Hot. Took a nap. Felt some cramps. Then water broke. Labor happened quickly. "Gum Ganapatiye Namaha". Removal of obstacles. Fear lasted seconds. There I chanted. Chanted during labor. Many different chants. Some the same. Same as pregnancy. He was familiar. Knew my voice. Recognized the chants. 1 specific chant. 1 specific song. Recognized them both. Then it happened. I saw God. In my arms. Baby loved me. I loved him. In an instant. Never the same. Shiny, new baby. Thank you, God. Smiling right now. I gave birth. Then I died. Died right there. In our home. Where I birthed. 

Who am I ? She's no more. Brand New Woman. Grew a baby. Then baby left. Left my body. Now new body. Trying to ground. In new body. In my heart. Catching my breath. Still, almost everyday.  My new heart. My new thoughts. My new worries. My new love. Protect him, God.  Please protect Keyhan. My heart expanded. Grew another chamber. Still in recovery. Open heart surgery. Recovery never ends. Body recovers though. Still in adjustment. I'm a mom. A motherless mother. Its all serendipitous. Its all inexplainable. I'm a mommy. Mommy to Keyhan. Keyhan means "Universe". He's OUR Universe. 

Yoga is random. Random at home. Perfect yoga though. Teacher no more. That's not true. Teacher of love.  Now a student. Student to Guru. Baby boy Guru. Jeff is yoga. He's my yoga. Opportunities in humility. "Letting Go" opportunities. Inflated ego shatters. Its a mess. Death of ego. Starting brand new. Not her anymore. Never her again. Self-Identification struggles. Who was I? Who am I? There is time. Time for everything. I am unfolding. New me unfolding. Keyhan's mommy now. Jeff's wife now. Focused energy now. There is time. For other things. Just not now. Focused on love. Loving my family. Being their heartbeat.  Brand new Sanieh. Not sure yet. Who she is. Who she'll become. Slow, full breaths. Om Jai Ganesha. Here I am. Every new day. I wanted love. Now its here. Saw this life. Was always here. Just didn't know. Once was blind. Now I see. In my belly. Now on bed. Sleeping sweet baby. Happy happy baby. Happy happy mommy. Happy happy Daddy. I'm still adjusting. For a while. Just my path.  Hard to convey. But am breathing. Thank you, God. So much love. 

On Forgiveness, Love, Family & Thanksgiving

As Thanksgiving approaches, I find myself feeling grateful for so many things in my life. In sharing personal stories of difficulty or pain turned triumph, my prayer is always one of intending to reach, inspire, encourage or empower someone reading these words. If putting myself out there making myself vulnerable to judgement or anything else means a payoff of someone's life taking a turn for the better, then it was worth it...every time. With that said, this is the miracle I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always loved my father. As a matter of fact, he holds the standard and is the model of what a man is and should be in my eyes. Single handedly, I love him more than anything else that exists in my world.

I always felt close to him and always knew that he loved me more than even his most obvious loving affections could ever express in words. 

When I was a little girl, I worried so much about my father being alone during the holidays.  Somewhere I drew my own conclusion that he was so in love with my mother and never recovered after she ended things because they were in two different places in life. Not only did I spend the first part of Thanksgiving and Christmas worrying about my father being lonely and away from his family, I always had to wait for him to call me because I was told he didn't have a home phone number. This was my way of being in relation to my father and it never stopped until Oct of 2000...or was it 2001? Anyhow...

I recall the phone call that my father would be flying into Austin for a short 24 hours to speak to my brother and I...something important. At the time, I was doing a lot of acting and had actually been working on set for a month or so right up to that very night when I drove from the movie set to a hotel near the airport where I was met by my dad, brother and my brother's wife. 

That moment for him was clearly stressful and upsetting and what would soon be revealed would leave me in shock for quite some time before I was able to really understand what I was about to be told.

So clearly I can see the look on his face while hearing his words "you can slap me if you want. I understand." in his shame-filled apology. Even in that moment I didn't understand. I didn't understand what I was being told, where it came from, why my dad was so sad and troubled and why he was genuinely looking at me asking me to give him what he felt he deserved. The mere thought of my father hurting like that hurts me even now.  

What actually happened (as oppose to the stories created around that truth) was this:

My father and his wife separated and there was an affair that resulted in two children. I am one of those children.

What I've spent the last several years trying to understand is how a man can love his children so much yet hide them, literally, and in such a verbally calculated way for over 36 years (I'm 33, my brother is 36). Only recently have I started to understand how shameful he must have felt considering the culture he grew up in and how my grandparents taught him yet this is a prime example of how much fear can govern our lives. Until a few weeks ago, my father had never seen his eldest son and his daughter together, ever. My father is 71. My "new" brother is 43. I am 33.

That's a long time to live in fear. Read on...

Over the course of my entire life, he was always present as much as any other set of "divorced" parents who lived in different cities/eventually different states could be. I didn't know what I didn't know. There was a step father who made an appearance and one who was there for the long haul and another who legally adopted me in a court of law after my mother was killed and I'm grateful for them all. My dad however, even though he wasn't there to make my breakfast, always made sure we knew we were loved. When he came to visit, he would stay with us at our home where he and my mother and step father all interacted peacefully and lovingly. I didn't know what I didn't know.

I didn't know, until years later, that my brother and I would be my father's greatest, life long secret ever.

And then he got caught. 

What I found out through a letter from the step mother that I never knew I had, who had been there all along even through my years of worrying about my father being alone, was that there were hints over the years and one day, she hired a private investigator and soon there after, she had proof that children were involved in the deception from decades before. 

There were two children involved, who he had hidden the existence of from his entire family including from the son he had previously before meeting my mother. My step mother made my father get on a plane and come clean with us and saw to it that he did the same with his other son, who I had never even met. In many ways, I'm sure the moment had to be a relief for him; getting caught that is...even years after the fact.

I always knew about Michael and as a matter of fact, I don't recall ever not knowing of him. My theory is that someone  must have slipped or maybe there was a photo or something I saw but it was sort of brushed off over the years until months after that short visit when I started asking questions. The woman who had loved and taken care of my father all along answered them and straightened out my confusion when she clearly stated that nobody ever even knew he had other children. 

I was a secret.

I was the object of deception.

There have been moments when I felt I was robbed of my entire Middle Eastern roots, heritage and family...and of my big brother. Furthermore, they were all robbed of knowing me and my love.

There's been a lot of internal peace made since this discovery. Strangely, while I had many questions and tears, I always forgave my father even though I never agreed or understood how it was ever even possible for him to hide such a thing. How terribly difficult it must have been to carefully compose his words and to not share what his other two kids were up to with the other people he loved. What might have filled one child's heart full of anger, filled mine with sorrow when I thought about how much he's felt he's had to hold in all of this time. As it turns out, my father had his first heart attack within a year of my birth...he was 38 or 39 when that happened. He's had a few heart attacks and a stroke and experience upper respiratory problems as well as diabetes he's had for years and his more recent fight with cancer. I find it both interesting and heartbreaking that he's held so much of his "heart stuff" in yet and it's the very part of him that seems broken. I don't find this to be coincidence.

In teaching yoga, I often talk about using the breath, the exhalation in particular, to release anything you have held onto; anything you have felt you weren't allowed to voice or express. I have no doubt the stress of holding  and hiding secrets in his heart affected and has compromised his heart. For one day in his life, my greatest wish for my father is to know what it feels like to be secret-free and to experience a full exhalation knowing how much he is loved...and forgiven. 

I met my brother Mike just a few weeks ago and it was beyond anything I could express with words. It's a moment that I wished for all of my life. I always carried him with me, he was always on my life goals list; "meet my brother, Mike" but I wasn't certain it was going to happen because it was never fully in my power to make it so. Now, he's a real living beating part of me and it made my entire year meeting him and beginning our relationship in my 30s. What's more is that he feels the same and we are all on the same page of starting TODAY; from this moment forward.

Since this recent visit, I've been gifted with knowing the possibility exists for my father to take yet another step in sharing me with those who are still alive in his family but more importantly, another step into his living freely. Too many secrets for far too long. Both my brother and beautiful step mother have sent me photos and emails expressing that never again will my photo be taken down when company comes over nor will there be an elaborate story made up of who the girl in the photo is. "You deserve to be known" they said. Should the day come that I ever meet any of my Iranian family I will consider that a blessing, but this is my father's journey now. He must find the strength and the courage. He must forgive himself and allow the love to circulate where it hadn't existed before.

He's still the most amazing man in my eyes. His love for me is so rich and after all this time and through all of growing pains into my adult years, he honors and knows where to meet me when my strong, bull-headed warrior side comes out as well as when my most tender and sensitive side, that's full of love to give, stands boldly.

I guess a daughter always loves and forgives her father. We all make mistakes but the thing is, we say we care about someone or something yet when the going gets tough, we fold our commitment, withdraw our love and turn out the light so to speak. Whatever it is within me that holds true when it's not always easy, I might owe to my mother. Where ever it comes from, I'm so grateful because it's allowed me to love my father through this entire journey and it will sustain that love if he ever finds the courage and comes clean in sharing our existance or not.

Every day gratitude.
Count your blessing.
Tell someone someone you care about how much they mean to you.
Be courageous.
Be loving.
Be forgiving.
Admit when you are wrong.
Give and accept apologies.
Be unafraid to take chances; unafraid to love.
Stand not for what's happened in the past but for what's possible today.

Love All Ways,
Sanieh