Prana Shakti, Partnership, Pregnancy, Parenthood, Preparation, Power and Pranams.

My personal Path of Practice:
Prana Shakti
(the creative & pulsating life force within me), Partnership (a love story of two people who consciously choose one another every day), Pregnancy (Grace in my belly revealing herself through this growing baby boy who lives in my womb), Parenthood (The highest calling of them all), Purification (of all self-defining labels accumulated along the way) Preparation (for a new life, a new calling and for the birthing of all this woman has yet to become, experience, learn and know), Power (to fully stand in mine as a wife, mother and creative woman) Pranams (daily gratitude and humble thanks for my beautiful life and blessings along the way).

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Motherless Daughter...20 Years Later

"If you don't know where your area of service is, go to your wounds. Not only are you serving, but you're healing yourself."

I can still see the joy and excitement on her face as she told the story. She was driving across the country to visit her parents in that little sports car as a convoy of semi trucks were passing by. One of them slowed down enough so that she could get right in the middle of them and sail her way along the interstate. She just thought that was the coolest thing ever.

There have been two life events that have literally changed me on an alchemical level. The first was the death of my mother, 20 years ago on May 13th, and becoming a mother just over 18 years later. I was 17 when I lost my mother and it came full circle when I gave birth and became a mother myself in 2012...the very year that would make my having lived my life longer without her than I did with her a reality. It's pretty surreal when I think about that. The imprint of her Being, her Love...just HER has remained such a potent energy in my life and my body.

I spent the first 10 years after she died trying to be her and the next 10 trying to honor her in learning to just be myself. In my experience, it doesn't get "easier with time." It's not like you ever wake up missing, thinking about, longing for or loving your mother any less no matter how long its been or how love-filled and truly blessed your life is. It doesn't really get easier. It just changes.

She was beautiful. She was vibrant. She was Graceful. She loved Stevie Ray Vaughan, Steve Vai and Don Henley. She was truly the person who made others better for having known her. She left the fragrance of her Love and Light everywhere she went and when she left her body, immediately, she was deeply missed by all who knew and loved her.

On this 20 anniversary milestone, I thought about starting a foundation or a camp for other mother-less daughters like myself. I thought to call it Patricia's Hope in recognition that it was her hope I'd grow into an empowered, confident, and Graceful woman. For those of us who had to find a way and teach ourselves how to become women, wives and mothers without our own mothers in real time, Patricia's Hope could bring us all together so that those of us who struggled on our own could help shepherd the new generation who are trying to find their way on the motherless path today.

What's for certain is that I'm opening to feeling my Earth mother's presence in the way I never really felt until very recently. She's so clearly been with me me in the last few months and I'm learning to dwell in her love there when I miss her most. It's taken me a lot of years to get to this place, wherever it is on the motherless journey. All I know is that grief still lives here and comes to the table sometimes and that's okay. I imagine it always will. But so does Love and feeling my mother's arms wrapped around me again for the first time in 20 years.

Monday, March 3, 2014

How I Became Happier...Overnight.

It's no secret that we can be our own worst enemy, biggest critic and worst abuser. This is of no secret to anyone.

I just turned 37 less than a week ago and as per usual when I have a birthday approaching, I was having a serious look at my life and state of being, asking myself what needed changing. I've been in a little bit of a gloomy state waiting for the clear skies to break through the clouds in my head and heart but it just wasn't happening...or staying that way when it did.

I'd been fighting with myself for quite some time because I consciously chose a path of self-study long before conceiving, then recommitted to this path having taken serious vows once I found out I was pregnant. I proclaimed to the Universe that I'd go through whatever it took to purge my heart and life of my "stuff" and to enter a new way of being so that I could be the best mother possible for my child. This was my declaration from the moment I found out I was pregnant and let me tell you what... The Universe definitely answered that call and continues to do so. It's been the most beautifully, gut wrenching, heart expanding, most excruciating experience of my life but I will walk through any fire and die to my old self as many times as necessary in order to leave this body and exit this world having been my very best for this child. 

What I have found hard to admit, never mind say out loud, is that I am often burdened with a very powerfully negative mind. Not to say that I don't experience happiness and positivity. It's just that my brilliantly creative and powerful mind has not been used in a way that maximizes my most optimal state of existence.

It's really much deeper than that but in general, I have a very conditioned tendency to create stories in my head very quickly that always result in toxic levels of self-inflicted stress...very, very high stress and a whole lot of suffering. It had gotten so bad that I recently found myself at a medical facility having blood drawn because I was growing seriously concerned that something was wrong.

What I've come to realize in less than a weeks time is that my thoughts have been wrecking havoc on my body and wellbeing. 

Let me explain...

I began researching case studies and more "scientific" aspects of stress and how I could decrease mine stress levels. I should add that I have a regular yoga and meditation practice that is my saving Grace but it doesn't usually sustain me in the heat of the moment. I truly couldn't imagine where I'd be without my personal sadhana (sacred practice) because my stress and anxiety levels can go through the roof on any given day. This, I found to be a little depressing considering how long these practices have been a way of life for me. They definitely help me in so many ways but I was seeing that I needed to address the root of the problem. Fortunately I had a good starting point in knowing that the problem had everything to do with my thoughts.

I had been listing to an interview with Amit Sood MD of the Mayo Clinic when something clicked for me. When my mind began to write and play out the next "story", it just came to me and I immediately interrupted the thought by saying, 


That's it. Not real.

It's NOT real. It's conditioning and while I've had experiences in this lifetime and in lifetimes past that have deeply affected my present day experiences, I'm realizing that

I have the power to change my neural pathways.

By telling myself "Not Real." mid thought, I stop the story dead in it's tracks at its conception and I save myself a plethora of bodily tension, stress, anxiety and even anger. I'm seeing that when I buy into the conditioned addiction (conditioning and repetition of any kind can definitely become a subconscious addiction) of allowing these stories to play out, my vibrational frequency becomes lower and lower.

What I means is...

When I'm (you/we/anyone) under constant stress (which results in an overspill of cortisol/stress hormone which can create a whole *other* problem), I'm in my lower level thinking (in yoga we would call this the Ego self) human self. When constantly in our lower level thinking brain, our vibration/energetic field decreases. When our energetic field decreases, WE BECOME SICK.

I have not been feeling well. It matters very little what I change in my diet or how much yoga and meditation I get in, my wellness and how I feel has not improved over the last several months. In my current nutrition studies, one of the first things I learned was the differences between what we call "Primary" and "Secondary" food. If any aspect of our state of being OR outside world, relationships, creative expression in the world or lack thereof are off balance, we can eat all the kale in the world and we will still find ourselves unwell. 

In less than a week, I've mentally spoken these 2 little words to myself no less than a few hundred times. 

In less than a week, I've elevated my levels, frequency and consistency of happiness and have decreased the levels and frequency of stress exponentially. 

To add to this, I've also consciously begun offering something to myself that increases my vibrations immediately following these 2 very powerful words... 

You see, when we're consistently in our negative mind or our reptilian brain, we slowly diminish our vibration over time. When we shift our awareness to something that brings us genuine innate joy and happiness, we feel our cells begin to dance instantaneously.

Try it... think of the face of someone you love beyond words or your "happy place"...notice what changes in your body when aligning yourself with Love. There's likely a softness within your tissues whereas before (in a state of stress) there's a gross muscular tension and/or a tightness of breath...nothing too subtle about it. In your sweet space, the tissues soften, the muscles relax, the corners of the mouth turn up, we experience an inner spaciousness and a lightness of Being... and our energetic heart field expands. 

So today... less than 1 week after this life altering practice, I've got a lot of work to do in developing a new neural response and natural reflex. Today, I'm telling myself what is and is not real and when I catch myself in a moment of story telling, I NAME IT...and then I bring my conscious awareness to images and people that make my heart sing. This, I believe, will play a huge role in what makes and keeps me WELL from here forward.

(Sanskrit for "VICTORY!")


More On Letting Go

'In the endthese things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go?'
~ Gautama Buddha

Letting go... 

It's truly my biggest karmic work in this lifetime and motherhood is a very intense, very "in your face" practice of this on a day to day basis-one that literally brings me to my knees on a regularly. Matter of fact, it was earlier this week that I found myself on the floor in a dark yoga studio bathroom praying and talking to the Universe...

"Okay... I need help...and I'm listening now..."

Letting go... I our primary aim in yoga practice and is the sole vehicle to opening not only to the beautiful possibilities but to the Truth of who and what we really are.

When I look far below the surface of all that I have often made things to be about and begin to have clear seeing in the direction of what truly is, in hindsight, I've only been able to achieve this *because* I had the courage to let go.

It's a daily practice and one that has to constantly be reinvented. In my experience, it most definitely isn't a passive practice, it's a very conscious one. Learning to let go, even in the tiniest bite size piece at a time, has been instantaneous in decreasing opportunities for me to shame and guilt myself and has increased my vibrations and energetic field. Quite simply stated, I FEEL better when I am able to let "it" go a little bit.

Above all else, when I'm aware of my holding patterns and work to let go of my conditioning, I'm Graced with elevated happiness and inner ease and this enables me a deeper presence to my life, my child and husband and to my own experience.

May we be compassionate witnesses towards the part of ourselves that creates the self-inflicted wounds. May we put down the weapon and begin to hold ourselves in the Light of Love.


“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles." ~ ~ Gautama Buddha