Memoir in Three.

I read about this exercise that helps writers uncover details of their lives by picking 10 years and writing about it. The catch? Use three word sentences. For years, I've wanted to write a book but the aim of that book has died, been reborn and changed many times as my life has. This is a little more than the last 10 years of my life, out of order and less some specifics, parts and people but it is honest, at times a little messy and a reflection of my vulnerability.

I began writing this several weeks ago and would come back, reread and add to it. I intend to spend more time with this kind of writing, focusing on condensed periods of my life. To be honest, I don't know proper writing organization nor would I win a spelling bee. I can get wordy and I have an incredible ability to create run on sentences for days on end but I can write from the heart and do so in a way that is very conversational as if we were sitting together having tea. :)

I write to clear my head and to organize my thoughts and the experiences that have made a home in my heart (and everywhere else in my body for the matter). I also write with hopes that through sharing my experiences, someone out there can find some healing for themselves. Writing helps me get to the heart of some of my experiences in life. I hope that the unfolding of my life, through the written word, can be evidence that in the end, it all works out.

Maybe I'll end up getting the memoir written one day after all.

Before and after. Then and now. Life in words. Tell a story. Not just any. But YOUR story. In three words. Three words Only. Ready set go.

Who was I? A yoga teacher. An only daughter. A motherless daughter. An only sister. A middle child. Bunch of brothers. One parted ways. Was his decision. Had to forgive. "Let it go." Lots to forgive. Lots to admit. Lots of anger. Anger lasted years. Heart was broken. He blamed me. I was young. So very young. Took me years. To stop personalizing. Not about me. His own karma. Much easier now. Then the truth. Found out truths. Many many truths. Deceptions and lies.Truths about Dad. Love my dad. Still love him. Despite the secrets. Mom never told. Then she died. Death defined me. The "story" did. This lasted years. What a mess. So many secrets. Had difficulties coping.  I'm a secret. She could've shared. She should've shared. Tried to protect. Would've hurt less. Little less shock. But she didn't. Lies create lies. Secrets create lies. Finally moved on. Met another brother. Brand new brother. 10 years older. A loving brother. Loves and accepts. We share eyes. Name is Mike. Big brother Mike. We've moved on. From the lies. From the secrets. Had to forgive.  Healing is crucial. Forgiveness saves lives. Mistakes are made. Lies are told. Still must forgive. I'll never understand. As a mom. But I've forgiven. Really have forgiven. Even the deceased. Only love now. 

How about yoga? There was yoga. Ohhh the yoga. I was humble. Yoga was grounding. What is this? Who was I? "What is Namaste'? " "Read the sign." Loved my teacher. Very first teacher. Tried to meditate. "Are there colors?" She said no. No more meditation. No more colors.  No inflated ego. Just self-discovery. Just my curiosity. Things were fresh.  Moved to mainland. Bounced around some. Started teaching yoga. Was quite bendy. Slowly became strong. Met another teacher. "Studied studied studied." Slowly grew ego. Ego hurt heart. Heart still recovering. Yep, from ego. Only different now. Self-defining ego. Self-defining bullshit. I was "teacher". Such a joke. Self-defined teacher. Forgot about student. The student within. Became pretty bored. Became pretty self-absorbed. Became very frustrated. Frustrated with students. Not just self. But outside students. Saw it happening. Had to crash. Hard hard fall. Had to fall. Not really recommended. Was my path. Wouldn't change path. Death by ego. Harmful Inflated ego. Creates false seeing. Creates false everything. 

Ohh before that...Lived in Austin. Moved to Hawaii. I got married. Didn't have "marriage". Just the title. Much to young. Both of us. Moved to TN. Moved to Clarksville. Then got divorced. Moved to Nashville. Major life changes. Got a "job". Hated that job! Then another breakup. Got very depressed. Slept on floor. Darkness for days. 3 days specifically. Then heard birds. While on floor. Birds at night? Singing at night? Wrote about it. Just like light. Light in darkness. Got off floor. Took a shower. Met with Daphne. Gave me peonies. Love peonies now. Met Dr. Robin. Went twice weekly. "Challenge irrational beliefs!!" Never forgot that. Never forget that. Never forget myself. Thank you, Robin. 

Then what happened? 

Went to Vipassana. 10 days straight. 11 hours daily. Silence and mediation. 10 straight days. No eye contact. No spoken words. Absolute self-study. Silence Silence Silence. Body, speech, mind. First time ever. All in nature. It was perfect. Back to meditation. Didn't see colors. But saw soul. Soul was injured. Remembered some things. Didn't want to. We're all healing. 

Often felt separate. "Separation is illusion". Was never separate. Just got lost. Didn't love self. Didn't *know Love. Didn't know *self. Didn't know *how. Lived in "stories". World's biggest judge. Judge of self. World's biggest critic. Critic of self. Abused my body. Recklessly abused body. Abused my intuition. Didn't honor intuition. Felt a fake. Felt a hypocrite. Wore many "OM"s. Wore many malas. "Aren't I legit? See my malas? See my website? See my backbend? I'm a teacher. See my photographs? See the magazines?" Me me me. Sanieh was lost. Sanieh...who's Sanieh? Slowly started realizing. Path is inward. "Definition" isn't external. Truth isn't backbends. "Yogini" isn't malas. Truth is Love. Nothing else matters. All is Love. Whatever that means.  Seriously, just Love. Am still comprehending. Want to know. Letting "it" go. Biggest karmic work. LET GO, SANIEH. To be realized. Fully fully realized. To teach son. Teach through being. Still not there. At my potential. Not there yet...

Am growing though...

Then met Jeff. We just clicked. Timing finally right. For us both. For *someone right. Had some healing. Had some forgiveness. Not complete yet. Mostly inward stuff. But much better. We both knew. We both grew. He loved me. He told me. I told him. We both loved. I thanked God. Who was God? Jeff showed me. Didn't mean to. But he did. Never was alone. Never was forgotten. Was Always loved. Loved by God. God inside me. Not separate God. Not outside God. God within me. He teaches that. "He" meaning Jeff. Doesn't mean to. Doesn't even know.  But he does. Love him so. Still searching though. Searching for God. Makes no sense. No "search" needed. God is there. In my everything. Always been there. Still absorbing this. Still digesting it. May take time.  Is "Love" God? Maybe Loves' God.

"Oh My Goddess". "Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!". I couldn't speak. Sat on toilet. Covered my face. Literally, 20 minutes. Couldn't speak words. Only spoke tears. "Oh my God". Was *this God? In my belly? Always wanted motherhood. Started to wonder. He held space. "Gonna be PARENTS!" He said whispering. I'll never forget. I was terrified. Wanted it though. Was still terrified. Motherless daughter here. Wondered, "Could I?" Knew I could. But was sad. Wanted MY mom. Was "story" defined. Worked through that. Very different now. Am still sad. On some days. Am also strong. On most days. And I remember. Its all perfect.

Jeff proposed marriage. At Yoga Vida. On his mat. Where we practiced. In the mandala. "Help with handstand?" But no handstands. On his knee. Gave me kisses. Still was clueless. Then a ring. Made for me. I said "Yes". Vic freaked out. Quite funny, really :) We married there. AT Yoga Vida. Couldn't believe it.  I cried hard. Finally my turn. "I choose you." Giant Ganesha Altar. On yoga mat. Where we met. Yoga mat altar. OM Jai Ganesha. Auspicious new beginnings. 

Something started happening...

Ego began deflating. Damn inflated ego. Was still teaching. With more humility. Think they knew. I definitely knew. It was time. I would pray. Pray for love. To share love. Teach from love. Real deal love. "Just breathe, Sanieh." I spoke less. I loved more. Wanted to heal. Myself and them. For my son. Can I heal? Knew I could. If I loved. Space was created. I stopped talking. Opened my heart. Facilitated fluid peace. Opening for all. I would cry. Chant and cry.  "Mata Durga Swaha." Cried during Savasana. So did they. We cried together. Did they know? We're all healing. The yoga heals. The right kind. "Right" is relative.

Felt baby move.  On wedding night. Sweet baby boy. God loved me. I never knew. I felt punished. Did something bad. Really really bad. The mom died. Thought God punished. That's not true. God doesn't punish. Its all lies. Love only loves. Wondering what name. "God" and baby. How about "Universe"? How about "Goddess"? How about "Light"? How about "Grace"? How about "Spirit"? How about "Love"? Sometimes resist "God". Name and essence. Name and existence. Existence within myself. Working on that. Again, for son. Know there's Truth. Truth deep down. God in belly. Grace in belly. It's all love. Names don't matter. God doesn't punish. Grace doesn't forget. I was loved. Had to be. I had proof! Proof in Jeff. Proof in belly. I was opened. I was loved. I am loved. Was always loved. 

Sweet growing baby. Labored at home. Chose home birth. Best choice ever. Rocked my foundation. Foundation still rocked. Still quite profound. "Profound" is overused. It's MUCH bigger. Shook ENTIRE Universe. Everyone is different. Everything is different. Who am I? Not the same. Never her again. Pregnancy did that. I saw suffering. As a child. My own mother. I remembered that. During my pregnancy. Saw her suffer. Hurt my heart. Growing momma heart. "Please God, please. Not my baby." Never see suffering. Can't protect that. But not ME. No suffering mommy. Not like mine. Please God, please. Protect my child. Protect his eyes. See me thrive. See mommy happy. Never suffering mommy. Jeff promised me. "It's my gift. Gift to you. Not our baby. Don't you worry. I promise you. Not that life. Won't be his. Not that loss. He'll never see. No suffering mommy. No suffering parents. Not like that." Thank you, God. Thanks for Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. For our baby. For your promises.

June this year. Busy hot Saturday. Went to nursery. Got some plants. Hot  Hot Hot. Took a nap. Felt some cramps. Then water broke. Labor happened quickly. "Gum Ganapatiye Namaha". Removal of obstacles. Fear lasted seconds. There I chanted. Chanted during labor. Many different chants. Some the same. Same as pregnancy. He was familiar. Knew my voice. Recognized the chants. 1 specific chant. 1 specific song. Recognized them both. Then it happened. I saw God. In my arms. Baby loved me. I loved him. In an instant. Never the same. Shiny, new baby. Thank you, God. Smiling right now. I gave birth. Then I died. Died right there. In our home. Where I birthed. 

Who am I ? She's no more. Brand New Woman. Grew a baby. Then baby left. Left my body. Now new body. Trying to ground. In new body. In my heart. Catching my breath. Still, almost everyday.  My new heart. My new thoughts. My new worries. My new love. Protect him, God.  Please protect Keyhan. My heart expanded. Grew another chamber. Still in recovery. Open heart surgery. Recovery never ends. Body recovers though. Still in adjustment. I'm a mom. A motherless mother. Its all serendipitous. Its all inexplainable. I'm a mommy. Mommy to Keyhan. Keyhan means "Universe". He's OUR Universe. 

Yoga is random. Random at home. Perfect yoga though. Teacher no more. That's not true. Teacher of love.  Now a student. Student to Guru. Baby boy Guru. Jeff is yoga. He's my yoga. Opportunities in humility. "Letting Go" opportunities. Inflated ego shatters. Its a mess. Death of ego. Starting brand new. Not her anymore. Never her again. Self-Identification struggles. Who was I? Who am I? There is time. Time for everything. I am unfolding. New me unfolding. Keyhan's mommy now. Jeff's wife now. Focused energy now. There is time. For other things. Just not now. Focused on love. Loving my family. Being their heartbeat.  Brand new Sanieh. Not sure yet. Who she is. Who she'll become. Slow, full breaths. Om Jai Ganesha. Here I am. Every new day. I wanted love. Now its here. Saw this life. Was always here. Just didn't know. Once was blind. Now I see. In my belly. Now on bed. Sleeping sweet baby. Happy happy baby. Happy happy mommy. Happy happy Daddy. I'm still adjusting. For a while. Just my path.  Hard to convey. But am breathing. Thank you, God. So much love. 

A Guide to Self-Care: For the Spiritually Fit Momma In the Making

This is just a little something I've put together that has kept me deeply connected to my foundation during such a time of continuous change in my body, heart and in the new ways of experiencing life...and GROWING life! I’m sharing with the hopes that it might be helpful to another momma in the making or at least stimulate some ideas to explore in the way of self-care. Really, this could be used by pretty much anyone but if you are pregnant, be sure and check with your pregnancy care-taker (midwife or OB) if you have questions. 

All of this information pulls from what has been beneficial for me personally based on experimentation, intuition and knowledge/training/experience from my expertise of teaching yoga professionally, being a licensed Aethetician and actually experiencing pregnancy. I hope you enjoy :)

Homemade Lemon scrub.


This is so simple and inexpensive. Take a cup or so of sugar and fresh squeezed lemon so that you have a paste.

*Add a little bit of water and a touch of your favorite cleaners and massage onto your face. Rinse and repeat. Make sure you keep it away from your eyes. I like to let this sit on my face and neck for a few minutes while I read or shave so that the natural acids in the lemon can work to dissolve the superficial dead skin on the epidermis. I also make sure I bring plenty of sugar with me so that I can scrub the rest of my body (what I can see or reach at this point that is) while I'm at it.  Follow up immediately with moisturizer so that your skin absorbs it instead of attempting to moisturize when the pores are closed.


Enjoy a Cup.

*Lemon Water.

Bring water to a boil, cool and squeeze a wedge or two or three into a mug. Sip and enjoy.

This is an an Ayurvedic original that is used to gently remove ama or toxins from the system as well as aid in digestion among many other things. In the Ayurvedic tradition, warm (technically it's not recommended with boiling water) lemon water is to be sipped on first thing in the morning, every morning.
Here's a short and informative article on some of the many benefits: http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-4769/Why-You-Should-Drink-Warm-Water-Lemon.html

*Fresh raspberry leaf tea.
A few friends of mine told me about this early on in my pregnancy. Raspberry Leaf Tea is usually one of the main ingredients in “mother’s tea” varieties since its purpose is to support the uterus (traditional Medicinals makes one but for the most benefits, fresh is best. If you are in the Austin area, the Herb Bar sells this super cheap) and is said to help ease contractions during labor but also to help keep the uterus toned (helpful for both labor and recovery thereafter).

*Spiced Milk.
Bring any kind of "milk" to a boil. Let it climb the pot a few times especially if it's dairy milk so that it can break down the protein molecules making it easiest to digest (Due to the number of hormones/pesticides in commercial milk, Organic is by far best and a non-negotiable in our home when the rare occasion arises that we go for dairy). Be sure you stand over it and watch your temperature. For the most flavorful results, work with fresh ingredients but if you’re in a hurry or want to make life easier, you could toss in a chai spice bag. Add a cinnamon stick, cardamom pods (I don’t de-pod them but I do crack the shell open) and sliced ginger to your liking. I let the flavors marry for about 5-10 in the pot then I pour it all into my mug so they continue to mingle. I’m sure if I spent more time (remember, you have to keep an eye on it) it would be more flavorful but this is plenty and satisfying for my husband and I both Add in sweetener at the end (especially if using honey since its qualities become toxic when it's cooked).
(Note 1: While you could add a tea bag, I purposely did not include that in this recipe.
Note 2: All of these spices have medicinal qualities that are too abundant to list here. Do a search when you have some time.)

*For a cold option:
 I love to make cucumber or orange water by cutting thin slices and tossing them into a pitcher of filtered water. Chill and enjoy.

Daily Gratitude Journal.


Each evening, I sit down with my dedicated journal and write "Today I am grateful for" and list at least 5 things. There have been days and even a series of days when I didn’t write due to the craziness of the day, my pregnancy sleepiness or any other number of reasons. So when it occurs to me I sit down, add up the days and have no problem listing the same number of things I have been grateful for over the missed period of time. It allows me to reflect on the simple blessings in life and really keeps things in perspective. I've found that since I have made it an evening ritual as opposed to writing when I think about it, it's become much rarer that I miss writing daily.

Meditate.

My husband bought me this  zafu-zabuton meditation set for Christmas http://www.samadhicushions.com/Buckwheat_Zafu_Meditation_Cushion_Set_p/c-521-set-r.htm. Every morning upon rising, I roll out of bed, go to my dedicated meditation space, make an symbolic gesture/offering by lighting incense and candles at my altar (this can be made up in a shoebox with a pretty piece of material and a beautiful photograph or memento of any kind by the way) and I sit for 10 minutes. On some days, I will sit twice but definitely first thing in the morning. Sometimes I use mantrayana (mantra meditation), sometimes I silently repeat an affirmation (lately it goes something like, "my body knows how to birth my baby naturally and effortlessly" or "my body births naturally with strength, ease and instinct" and sometimes I just focus on my breath.

Having taken a 10 day vow of silence where we meditated for 11 hours a day for 10- days straight in 2007, this is no longer about that or how *long I sit. For me, this is about a consistent, regular and dedicated practice that I've come to depend on especially when I consider the fact that my world is about to get a little hectic and unpredictable bringing a child into my life. It's a practice that takes times to develop like anything else and is one that has kept me anchored and has strengthened my intuition and presence. As a matter of fact, my husband has been witness to the benefits of a regular and consistent meditation practice and often sits with me. I recently ordered him the same meditation cushion set so he doesn't nab mine when he does :)

Note: I recommend having two places to meditate in your home. My meditation practice is very personal and private. When my in-laws stayed overnight with us recently, I opted to sit at my "Mommy Altar" that lives in my bedroom by the window instead since my main meditatin space is out in the open. While they are different, both are simple set ups but incredibly sentimental and meaningful which draws me to them rather than just being "decoration" like many "altars" I've had in the past.

Juice it up.

I absolutely love my micro-nutrients! There are few things that give me a surge like freshly juiced greens! The secret in my home is to add an apple to the mix. You could juice anything but here's a basic, delicious and nutritious recipe we have come up with that seems to be a staple in our home:

An entire head of Rainbow Chard
Kale
Spinach
Apple
3-7 whole carrots or a few handfuls of baby carrots
If we have it on hand, I also add celery and/or cucumber which adds a fresh flavor but I really like to aim for dark, nutrient-filled  greens primarily. Put in an reusable jar, shake it up and enjoy. I like mine extra cold so I'll often juice and then put it in the fridge and drink it a few hours later but always within 24 hours.

Note: We prefer organic for many reasons, especially these days. A user-friendly reference on pesticide levels can be found here : http://www.thedailygreen.com/healthy-eating/eat-safe/dirty-dozen-foods#fbIndex2
The list and levels begin on page 2.

Read.


While I have purposely only read only 2 (one was SUPER short!) books in relation to pregnancy/babies cover to cover, I get that many will be inclined to spend all of their time reading baby books. If you're a momma in the making, baby books might be included in your mix but be sure to read comfort books as well. That means something different to each person of course so pick your passion. Take some much needed and deserved time for yourself right now. Who knows when we will have uninterrupted time to do so in the near future.

Spend time with girlfriends and other momma friends.


This has been one of the sweetest parts of my pregnancy. There is something about connecting with other women during such a feminine time. My girlfriends have held space for me, loved on me and even mothered me like none other. They have so genuinely held me up and supported me and have shared their wisdom as peers who have gone before me as deeply spiritual women who can relation to what my personal experience has been. There is saying, “We become who we hang around." It’s for this reason that I have felt so understood being surrounded by my girlfriends because we have much in common anyway in the way of spirituality, belief systems and how we choose to navigate our lives. So there’s more listening, receiving, nurturing and supporting… and less explaining.

Get Moving…or slow down.


Pregnancy isn't the time to begin a physical activity so if you were not previously active, taking up a pre-natal yoga class is one exception that is suitable to begin during pregnancy. If you were previously active, listen to and trust your body and keep doing what you do. If nothing else at all, head out for a morning or evening walk and get some fresh air into your lungs. Not only is it good physically but it will increase endorphins and you will feel better for it!

That said, every trimester has been so incredibly different in my experience. I’ve been practicing and teaching yoga for over a decade and have been a CrossFitting for 3 years so my body was definitely conditioned to continue. While I have done both throughout the majority of my pregnancy, the time did come when I needed and wanted to stop. I still practice some yoga but it’s VERY different in what I do and duration yet it's so incredibly satisfying and perfect every time...because I'm honoring my needs. 


The most important thing to remember is that every pregnancy is so unique. Having had some training in pre/post natal yoga and having taught classes in these areas, I would do it totally different now. Simply being trained in this area is not at all the same as being in the pregnancy experience itself. I wholeheartedly believe that this is a journey one must go on to fully understand how it feels on on the physical, mental and emotional level. While these classes can be beneficial under proper circumstances, there is not a class, teacher or pre-natal book that can possibly teach (especially if they've never experienced the journey themselves) what the wisdom of your body can teach you if you are dialed in. No matter how conditioned you may be for something physically, pregnancy trumps all. Don't beat yourself up over it either. Love yourself for it. Listen to your body. It's crucial that you honor your inner knowing on this. It's the way Nature has intended it to be during this time.

Say "Thank You".
Pregnancy has connected me to The Mother like nothing in my life ever has. Through carrying life, I have been so blessed to experience Mother Earth, Mother Love and my own Earth Mother who left her body in 1994 in ways I will never be able to convey. It’s connected me to the powers of Grace, my own innate divinity and on the deepest level, my breath of life. The gratitude I feel, on many days, overwhelms me to the point that all I can muster is a heart-felt “Thank You”.

...And then She Danced.

There are so many things this body cannot do right now. 

There are so many beautiful images I see of the human form that I can practically taste yet I know they are not for me at this moment. It's all relative of course.

Earlier today, we had some maternity photographs taken. Our first official family portraits :) At one point, Jeff and I went into headstands and I started to play in lotus while inverted; something this body had been conditioned to do so very easily in my pre-pregnancy days. What were once my incredibly open hips, seem to feel like legs of a barbie doll that, upon being pushed to deeply, would pop off of my body. 

There are many things this body may or may not be able to do right now but I know that the payoff for going in these directions will be non-existent with a far greater risk than any possible reward. So instead, I visualize and I admire and I appreciate, from a whole new gifted perspective, what I have previously felt in this body knowing that this is a very special time and that all of "that" will be there for me to re-explore in the most intimate, present way ever, soon enough.

Instead, I choose to focus on what this beautiful body I get to call mine for the time being CAN do.

It can fill out and become more curvaceous than it's ever been. It can expand and stretch and remain smooth and soft even so. This beautiful body has the power to make all that it contains feel more feminine, sexy, fluid and graceful than ever before. 

It has empowered me. 

It has given me the most confidence in my body's natural abilities, deepened my intuition and sense of bodily awareness 

And it has allowed the man I love to love me even more, and more OF me, in ways he has never in his life imagined loving the feminine. 

This life giving, life sustaining body that I get to call mine isn't currently putting legs behind the head or twisting up in arm balances effortlessly and with ease like before. 

 Instead...

These hips are creating a different kind of space.

 These breasts are becoming full and firm with the nectar of life. 

And what was once a flat belly is now a beautiful blossoming and *moving henna belly that is the KEEPER of life as it houses its swimming creation...the very creation whose birth will complete the orgasm that in its nature completes the most intimate expression of commitment, loyalty and love two human beings can share. 

No... this body isn't doing the aesthetically celebrated deep openings it once was nor does it feel the need to. 

Instead, it's preparing for the most profound, most feminine deep opening known to humankind.

It is resting, nurturing, loving, sustaining and CREATING LIFE...the very life that will make its way through the very body that is the lifeline and source of creation.

What this body CAN do is 

Dance 
and 
Move 
like
Water. 

I can close my eyes, lift the corners of my mouth and move my spine and hips to the tribal sounds, Egyptian and world beats that fill this naturally lit space as my arms and body float in the most sensual way they have ever moved before. As this body feels the percussion move through Her, She is guided by Mother Earth as she bends and breathes all that surrounds and supports her while emphasizing each new curve. 

What this body can do is Create Life 
for the growing Love inside of it

and 

Give life BACK 
to the keeper of it.

 A Full Woman I Am.

 And THAT is to be celebrated.