Opening & Unfolding

"Sometimes your life boils down to one insane move." ~Avatar

The diaper wearing Guru Buddha baby is nearly 7 months young. Finally, finally, I'm consistently feeling the ground beneath my feet and a sturdiness within my (new) person. 

I'm in a little bit of a (spontaneous, of course) routine that has so graciously afforded me room for a much needed self-care rhythm as well. A night of uninterrupted sleep sounds like a foreign concept so I don't feel that I'm missing much there and have adjusted pretty well. My nutrition has been pretty spot on-because it absolutely has to be right now- although I could be and should be drinking more water. Always, more water. 

All is changing...

I've been getting in a lot more yoga than I had been as well. Recently, I resolved to practicing some yoga and meditation every day for the next 365 days. How's that for creating a habit :) It's just become so clear that I'm simply a better woman, a better human being and certainly a better wife and mother having a daily yoga practice. And quite honestly, I *need to meditate regularly. Chilling out does not come easily or naturally to me. People who relate to me as a yoga teacher might be surprised to hear that but if anything about me is true, this is it. It's also true that I practice yoga and meditate out of *necessity, because I have to. My refreshed and fierce new found love of it is so satisfying yet so different than before, in so many ways. Quite honestly though, it comes down to the fact that I've learned I simply must.

That said...

My mantra for 2013 is "I am Opening too...".

I've thought a bit about what that means, what I'm wanting to open myself to. I'm definitely still in the continuum that is the process of birthing my new self after birthing our son. Within that, I have been going inward, listening to what is in need of letting go of ...then have rephrased what I've found in the affirmative. This is what I've come up with so far:

I am opening to...

Being someone people feel good being around, someone who people miss when gone

I am opening to...
Connecting with other women near and far...listening to the inner whisper in what that will look like

I am opening to...

A steadfast and ongoing evolution of my Mindfulness practice..."Pause, breathe, inner smile, respond"

I am opening to...

Softening my edges

I am opening to...

Cultivating inner beauty

I am opening to...

New, fresh & authentic creative self-expression..."You get a brand new, blank canvas, Sanieh."

I am opening to...

365 days of yoga and meditation

I am opening to...

Pausing before speaking and becoming a master listener

I am opening to...

Discovering, fulfilling, developing and using what I've been given to its fullest potential..."What would my higher self do?"

I am opening to...

Slowing down, Checking in and remembering that THIS moment is all there is all that needs my attention and tending to. This is my job. Nowhere else more important to be, nothing else more important to do.

I am opening to...

Conscientious daily expressions of Loving Kindness ...How many different ways can I show and express my love for my husband?
~~~

This is where I am right now. 

Opening, for me, is about a continued practice in Surrender... of all things that were. 
When I surrender, I'm left open. 
When I am left open, I'm also left with a curiosity of all that wants to be born through me. 
May I be awake, willing and open to watering those gardens like never before...for the greater good.

Love All Ways.

Sanieh

Memoir in Three.

I read about this exercise that helps writers uncover details of their lives by picking 10 years and writing about it. The catch? Use three word sentences. For years, I've wanted to write a book but the aim of that book has died, been reborn and changed many times as my life has. This is a little more than the last 10 years of my life, out of order and less some specifics, parts and people but it is honest, at times a little messy and a reflection of my vulnerability.

I began writing this several weeks ago and would come back, reread and add to it. I intend to spend more time with this kind of writing, focusing on condensed periods of my life. To be honest, I don't know proper writing organization nor would I win a spelling bee. I can get wordy and I have an incredible ability to create run on sentences for days on end but I can write from the heart and do so in a way that is very conversational as if we were sitting together having tea. :)

I write to clear my head and to organize my thoughts and the experiences that have made a home in my heart (and everywhere else in my body for the matter). I also write with hopes that through sharing my experiences, someone out there can find some healing for themselves. Writing helps me get to the heart of some of my experiences in life. I hope that the unfolding of my life, through the written word, can be evidence that in the end, it all works out.

Maybe I'll end up getting the memoir written one day after all.

Before and after. Then and now. Life in words. Tell a story. Not just any. But YOUR story. In three words. Three words Only. Ready set go.

Who was I? A yoga teacher. An only daughter. A motherless daughter. An only sister. A middle child. Bunch of brothers. One parted ways. Was his decision. Had to forgive. "Let it go." Lots to forgive. Lots to admit. Lots of anger. Anger lasted years. Heart was broken. He blamed me. I was young. So very young. Took me years. To stop personalizing. Not about me. His own karma. Much easier now. Then the truth. Found out truths. Many many truths. Deceptions and lies.Truths about Dad. Love my dad. Still love him. Despite the secrets. Mom never told. Then she died. Death defined me. The "story" did. This lasted years. What a mess. So many secrets. Had difficulties coping.  I'm a secret. She could've shared. She should've shared. Tried to protect. Would've hurt less. Little less shock. But she didn't. Lies create lies. Secrets create lies. Finally moved on. Met another brother. Brand new brother. 10 years older. A loving brother. Loves and accepts. We share eyes. Name is Mike. Big brother Mike. We've moved on. From the lies. From the secrets. Had to forgive.  Healing is crucial. Forgiveness saves lives. Mistakes are made. Lies are told. Still must forgive. I'll never understand. As a mom. But I've forgiven. Really have forgiven. Even the deceased. Only love now. 

How about yoga? There was yoga. Ohhh the yoga. I was humble. Yoga was grounding. What is this? Who was I? "What is Namaste'? " "Read the sign." Loved my teacher. Very first teacher. Tried to meditate. "Are there colors?" She said no. No more meditation. No more colors.  No inflated ego. Just self-discovery. Just my curiosity. Things were fresh.  Moved to mainland. Bounced around some. Started teaching yoga. Was quite bendy. Slowly became strong. Met another teacher. "Studied studied studied." Slowly grew ego. Ego hurt heart. Heart still recovering. Yep, from ego. Only different now. Self-defining ego. Self-defining bullshit. I was "teacher". Such a joke. Self-defined teacher. Forgot about student. The student within. Became pretty bored. Became pretty self-absorbed. Became very frustrated. Frustrated with students. Not just self. But outside students. Saw it happening. Had to crash. Hard hard fall. Had to fall. Not really recommended. Was my path. Wouldn't change path. Death by ego. Harmful Inflated ego. Creates false seeing. Creates false everything. 

Ohh before that...Lived in Austin. Moved to Hawaii. I got married. Didn't have "marriage". Just the title. Much to young. Both of us. Moved to TN. Moved to Clarksville. Then got divorced. Moved to Nashville. Major life changes. Got a "job". Hated that job! Then another breakup. Got very depressed. Slept on floor. Darkness for days. 3 days specifically. Then heard birds. While on floor. Birds at night? Singing at night? Wrote about it. Just like light. Light in darkness. Got off floor. Took a shower. Met with Daphne. Gave me peonies. Love peonies now. Met Dr. Robin. Went twice weekly. "Challenge irrational beliefs!!" Never forgot that. Never forget that. Never forget myself. Thank you, Robin. 

Then what happened? 

Went to Vipassana. 10 days straight. 11 hours daily. Silence and mediation. 10 straight days. No eye contact. No spoken words. Absolute self-study. Silence Silence Silence. Body, speech, mind. First time ever. All in nature. It was perfect. Back to meditation. Didn't see colors. But saw soul. Soul was injured. Remembered some things. Didn't want to. We're all healing. 

Often felt separate. "Separation is illusion". Was never separate. Just got lost. Didn't love self. Didn't *know Love. Didn't know *self. Didn't know *how. Lived in "stories". World's biggest judge. Judge of self. World's biggest critic. Critic of self. Abused my body. Recklessly abused body. Abused my intuition. Didn't honor intuition. Felt a fake. Felt a hypocrite. Wore many "OM"s. Wore many malas. "Aren't I legit? See my malas? See my website? See my backbend? I'm a teacher. See my photographs? See the magazines?" Me me me. Sanieh was lost. Sanieh...who's Sanieh? Slowly started realizing. Path is inward. "Definition" isn't external. Truth isn't backbends. "Yogini" isn't malas. Truth is Love. Nothing else matters. All is Love. Whatever that means.  Seriously, just Love. Am still comprehending. Want to know. Letting "it" go. Biggest karmic work. LET GO, SANIEH. To be realized. Fully fully realized. To teach son. Teach through being. Still not there. At my potential. Not there yet...

Am growing though...

Then met Jeff. We just clicked. Timing finally right. For us both. For *someone right. Had some healing. Had some forgiveness. Not complete yet. Mostly inward stuff. But much better. We both knew. We both grew. He loved me. He told me. I told him. We both loved. I thanked God. Who was God? Jeff showed me. Didn't mean to. But he did. Never was alone. Never was forgotten. Was Always loved. Loved by God. God inside me. Not separate God. Not outside God. God within me. He teaches that. "He" meaning Jeff. Doesn't mean to. Doesn't even know.  But he does. Love him so. Still searching though. Searching for God. Makes no sense. No "search" needed. God is there. In my everything. Always been there. Still absorbing this. Still digesting it. May take time.  Is "Love" God? Maybe Loves' God.

"Oh My Goddess". "Jeff! Jeff! Jeff!". I couldn't speak. Sat on toilet. Covered my face. Literally, 20 minutes. Couldn't speak words. Only spoke tears. "Oh my God". Was *this God? In my belly? Always wanted motherhood. Started to wonder. He held space. "Gonna be PARENTS!" He said whispering. I'll never forget. I was terrified. Wanted it though. Was still terrified. Motherless daughter here. Wondered, "Could I?" Knew I could. But was sad. Wanted MY mom. Was "story" defined. Worked through that. Very different now. Am still sad. On some days. Am also strong. On most days. And I remember. Its all perfect.

Jeff proposed marriage. At Yoga Vida. On his mat. Where we practiced. In the mandala. "Help with handstand?" But no handstands. On his knee. Gave me kisses. Still was clueless. Then a ring. Made for me. I said "Yes". Vic freaked out. Quite funny, really :) We married there. AT Yoga Vida. Couldn't believe it.  I cried hard. Finally my turn. "I choose you." Giant Ganesha Altar. On yoga mat. Where we met. Yoga mat altar. OM Jai Ganesha. Auspicious new beginnings. 

Something started happening...

Ego began deflating. Damn inflated ego. Was still teaching. With more humility. Think they knew. I definitely knew. It was time. I would pray. Pray for love. To share love. Teach from love. Real deal love. "Just breathe, Sanieh." I spoke less. I loved more. Wanted to heal. Myself and them. For my son. Can I heal? Knew I could. If I loved. Space was created. I stopped talking. Opened my heart. Facilitated fluid peace. Opening for all. I would cry. Chant and cry.  "Mata Durga Swaha." Cried during Savasana. So did they. We cried together. Did they know? We're all healing. The yoga heals. The right kind. "Right" is relative.

Felt baby move.  On wedding night. Sweet baby boy. God loved me. I never knew. I felt punished. Did something bad. Really really bad. The mom died. Thought God punished. That's not true. God doesn't punish. Its all lies. Love only loves. Wondering what name. "God" and baby. How about "Universe"? How about "Goddess"? How about "Light"? How about "Grace"? How about "Spirit"? How about "Love"? Sometimes resist "God". Name and essence. Name and existence. Existence within myself. Working on that. Again, for son. Know there's Truth. Truth deep down. God in belly. Grace in belly. It's all love. Names don't matter. God doesn't punish. Grace doesn't forget. I was loved. Had to be. I had proof! Proof in Jeff. Proof in belly. I was opened. I was loved. I am loved. Was always loved. 

Sweet growing baby. Labored at home. Chose home birth. Best choice ever. Rocked my foundation. Foundation still rocked. Still quite profound. "Profound" is overused. It's MUCH bigger. Shook ENTIRE Universe. Everyone is different. Everything is different. Who am I? Not the same. Never her again. Pregnancy did that. I saw suffering. As a child. My own mother. I remembered that. During my pregnancy. Saw her suffer. Hurt my heart. Growing momma heart. "Please God, please. Not my baby." Never see suffering. Can't protect that. But not ME. No suffering mommy. Not like mine. Please God, please. Protect my child. Protect his eyes. See me thrive. See mommy happy. Never suffering mommy. Jeff promised me. "It's my gift. Gift to you. Not our baby. Don't you worry. I promise you. Not that life. Won't be his. Not that loss. He'll never see. No suffering mommy. No suffering parents. Not like that." Thank you, God. Thanks for Jeff. Thank you, Jeff. For our baby. For your promises.

June this year. Busy hot Saturday. Went to nursery. Got some plants. Hot  Hot Hot. Took a nap. Felt some cramps. Then water broke. Labor happened quickly. "Gum Ganapatiye Namaha". Removal of obstacles. Fear lasted seconds. There I chanted. Chanted during labor. Many different chants. Some the same. Same as pregnancy. He was familiar. Knew my voice. Recognized the chants. 1 specific chant. 1 specific song. Recognized them both. Then it happened. I saw God. In my arms. Baby loved me. I loved him. In an instant. Never the same. Shiny, new baby. Thank you, God. Smiling right now. I gave birth. Then I died. Died right there. In our home. Where I birthed. 

Who am I ? She's no more. Brand New Woman. Grew a baby. Then baby left. Left my body. Now new body. Trying to ground. In new body. In my heart. Catching my breath. Still, almost everyday.  My new heart. My new thoughts. My new worries. My new love. Protect him, God.  Please protect Keyhan. My heart expanded. Grew another chamber. Still in recovery. Open heart surgery. Recovery never ends. Body recovers though. Still in adjustment. I'm a mom. A motherless mother. Its all serendipitous. Its all inexplainable. I'm a mommy. Mommy to Keyhan. Keyhan means "Universe". He's OUR Universe. 

Yoga is random. Random at home. Perfect yoga though. Teacher no more. That's not true. Teacher of love.  Now a student. Student to Guru. Baby boy Guru. Jeff is yoga. He's my yoga. Opportunities in humility. "Letting Go" opportunities. Inflated ego shatters. Its a mess. Death of ego. Starting brand new. Not her anymore. Never her again. Self-Identification struggles. Who was I? Who am I? There is time. Time for everything. I am unfolding. New me unfolding. Keyhan's mommy now. Jeff's wife now. Focused energy now. There is time. For other things. Just not now. Focused on love. Loving my family. Being their heartbeat.  Brand new Sanieh. Not sure yet. Who she is. Who she'll become. Slow, full breaths. Om Jai Ganesha. Here I am. Every new day. I wanted love. Now its here. Saw this life. Was always here. Just didn't know. Once was blind. Now I see. In my belly. Now on bed. Sleeping sweet baby. Happy happy baby. Happy happy mommy. Happy happy Daddy. I'm still adjusting. For a while. Just my path.  Hard to convey. But am breathing. Thank you, God. So much love. 

Living the Questions

Rainer Maria Rilke - Live the Questions Now

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

I've been thinking about these words of poet Rainer Maria Rilke from Letters to a Young Poet for some time now. Specifically, I've been thinking about "Living the questions" and how it relates to where I find myself in my life at the moment. 

When I pause in acknowledgement of where I find myself, I stand in awe of what it's taken to get here. I feel so incredibly overwhelmed and cleansed in gratitude not only for the trials and blessings along the journey but for gratitude itself. One of my daily rituals is that I write in my gratitude journal. It's helps me to stay grateful for the incredibly BIG and abundant life I live that is just so incredibly full. It helps me to be much more aware of the mundane and ordinary blessings that are equally huge and meaningful in my day to day life.

Just like meditating or anything else, dedication becomes habit-forming. I'm starting to actually look for the things to be grateful for now. And everything "counts".


In this gratitude and in my quiet, continuous and daily "Thank You!" to the Universe, what I ponder most from my desire to be grateful are Rainer Maria Rilke's words about not searching for the answer but living the question itself. I've come across this quote so many times in my life but only recently did it really click for me. Only recently did the question, living it, turn into an action.

"How can I show them that I love them, today?"

Just having this question floating around in my consciousness has changed my way of being. 

My purpose today is to be a teacher of love to my family. It's the single most important thing in my life right now and my prayer is that through living my question, consciously, I can answer it through action on a daily basis beginning with the two people who matter the most in my Universe. 

What question are you living?

Augmentation, Self-Acceptance & Defining Beauty

I have been confronted with many opportunities throughout my life to examine what beauty means to me. It’s easy for young women in the West to become body obsessed from a superficial, self-defining place instead of  a place of health, wellness and comfort within the skin we’ve been given.

I grew up around a woman who taught me that I was so much more than my body, my hair, my boyfriends or even my circumstances for that matter. I saw my mother walk confidently and be within her body with grace and ease never once declaring conversations about my weight or shape nor did I witness her speaking poorly of herself. Where there were changes to be made, they were made from a place within, never in search of anyone else’s approval. She was a fine example of beauty and grace through her actions. I believe she mindfully lived this way knowing that at the end of each day, I would be a student to the choices she would make much more than the words she would speak.

I had never looked down on myself with self-deprecating talk about my body. Never as a child, pre-teen or teenager did I judge or compare the size of my breasts or my hips with anyone else nor did I ever feel insecure about my body. Don't get me wrong, I had my own shit, but this was not one of them. I saw my mother be present to what she ate and  I saw her take a proactive interest in a healthy and active lifestyle.

I was 19 years young when a line was drawn in the sand and my perception was forever changed.

Impressionable as I was, I became self-defined by external sources; the men I dated to be specific. I will never forget the moment I gave a part of myself away named "self-confidence" when I aligned my vibration with his words.

“This breast is larger than that one and you’re bottom heavy.”

It was that same year that I got breast implants to “fix” what someone else perceived as my “imperfection.”

In my mind, I justified this augmentation because my mother had breast implants. I knew the truth but it wasn't until much later I would admit to myself that my mother was a grown woman with four children and well into her 30's when she made that call and in doing so, her decision had nothing to do with anyone else’s approval. Nothing had changed in the way she presented herself to me or to the world. 

Over the years I would struggled to make peace with the new additions in my body. While a perceived “great boob-job”, never did they feel natural in my body. As a matter of fact, I was always so acutely aware of the left one. That one in particular always felt so foreign in my body.

Enter Yoga.

As I showed up to yoga and began to develop and deepen my practice, I became more and more body aware as is the case with many practitioners. Over time, I became uncomfortable physically and became self-conscious of "them". There came a time when I looked into their removal but it wasn’t until 2005 that I actually scheduled an appointment at Vanderbilt Medical Center to finally remove the implants that tried so desperately to make a home in my body.

Almost nine years to the date, my perfectly healthy implants were removed and not a day has gone by that I have regretted that decision. I actually woke up from surgery crying saying “I feel better already.”

Today, with much smaller, all-natural breasts, I have never felt sexier, more feminine and at home in my body. This is the body I have been given and while I can never go back to what was, I feel more in touch, with complete body awareness and in union with the skin I live in.

On the most basic fundamental level, yoga teaches us to remember our  innate perfection and wholeness. There is nothing missing. Let me say that again...

THERE IS NOTHING MISSING.

Everything we ever needed to know we already know and everything we will ever need to go forward is inward. Sadly, somewhere along the way, we just forgot how complete we really are. But we have arrived fully equipped for the journey and I have my yoga practice to remind me of that and this testimonial as living proof.

My journey as a woman in what is often a very unrealistic, size-defining Western society is one that provides so many opportunities to define and redefine what beauty really looks like. One day, I hope to be an example to my children as to what real beauty is, where it comes from and what it actually looks like. Until then, I hope that I can be that for other women because the truth is this:

My inner light shines because I feel whole, strong, healthy and at home in this body. That wholeness is not dependent on the size of my breasts or the size of my ass. My light has not dimmed because I just cut 12 inches off what was my long hair. That light just caught fire because doing so liberated me on the inside. My light shines like a bonfire in the desert moon-lit sky because I choose what defines me and I have made a home within the costume of this body I was born into. As a result, I have learned to love every last scar from the choices I have made all along the way
... and I've learned to honor them as reminders of the battles I have fought and won.