“You have to have courage to love somebody. Because you risk everything. Everything.” ~ Maya AngelouWhat happened was that we both stood up and looked around and found one another standing at the same time. I knew we were in alignment with one another, that he was a fit for my heart and that we were both in a space of what the Buddha might have called "right timing" that allowed us to show up to one another in a committed, loving, supportive and inspiring way. I once heard love described as acceptance. This is my relationship and partnership with this man; this is our new marriage and our love continues to be united, expansive, expressive and curious.
On Saturday, February 4th, one year from our very first date, we stood before a very intimate and meaningful group of 8 people and shared our own personal vows and promises to one another. Not to say that it's always been easy; anything worth having will pose its challenges but it *is always committed, communicative, honest, loving, forgiving and full of laughter.
I continue to stand in awe of how my life has turned out. Knowing that it's only just begun in more ways than not, I am grateful beyond anything I could possibly convey using that of the spoken word.
Last week I was practicing yoga over looking the ocean almost every day and I continue to notice the little-big changes within my breath and practice. I am feeling strong in my body, at ease in my heart and spacious in my mind where I was once a pretty chaotic. On the days I don't, I come back to whatever it is I might have forgotten and I find the rest of myself there. I am more grateful for the years of hard work, discipline and even resistance in my yoga practice because after all of that, it's paying on when I need it most.
Saturday morning I drove to the studio only to find out the weekend schedule begins 30 minutes earlier than the weekday classes. I had already had a minor issue getting to the studio because my navigation system got choked up so having arrived on time even so and being locked out in the cold and longing for my yoga, I immediately I began to feel my body tense up. I headed back to the house, unrolled my mat and made use of a new 15 day trial on Yoga Glo (I do love a self-guided practice but sometimes it's nice being a student to the Graces of the Guru that flow through someone else).
Without saying the words, something within made sense of what I *did have and quickly improvised recognizing the need I had to get some energy flowing within my body. With a baby on the way, I have no idea what my days will look like which is exciting, scary and potentially overwhelming where uncertainty is involved so this is good practice for me.
Find a way.
Create "space" to take care of myself so that I can be the best I can be for those who I am committed to serving. Right now, that's my family. I am most committed to nurturing the seeds of my growing family and to do so, I recognize that I first have to take care not only of my basic and fundamental needs like nutrition and sleep; I also need to tend to my spiritual needs. I'm counting on new rituals and sequences to my day but it's important that I tend to this part of myself even so.
The expressions of my exhalations...
Everything is new.
Everything; every trace of movement and the sensation of each breath as it runs through my new body...
It's all so fresh and deliberate
So natural and satisfying.
What do I need? What do I really need in this moment? Through my "new" yoga practice, regardless of what it entails physically, I'm finding in my instinctive letting go and in my being OK in knowing that I am approaching foreign territory, what I need and how I need to use it arises on it's own.
It's all a reflection.
This is primal.
This is perhaps some of the most rewarding and satisfying part of my changing practice at the moment. Something as simple as a change in the expression of my exhalation makes a wave across the entire experience of practice and as always, it spills off of the mat and into life.
In a writing stream of consciousness, I wrote this to a friend recently as an attempt to share the fundamental and foundational shift I'm experiencing right now...
Amazing how much this process of birthing a mother, father and family changes someone at their very core. Everything is changing and I'm not afraid. I have no idea what's ahead but it's my greatest blessing and I'm not afraid of it. My foundation as I've known it is dissolving and is recreating itself in every moment. My yoga and experience of the breath moving through my new, beautiful and expanding body is completely new and fresh and my everyday flow is soon to be completely changed yet I'm embracing the change. All of this pulls me closer to some people in my life and allows me to send my love and blessing and walk away from others. It's nature I suppose. It's change. Change IS Nature. And I'm deeply in love with every bit of this!
Help me to keep the eyes of my internal gaze open and my heart and resolutions strong. May I remember "beginners mind". May I remain open and attuned. May I remember that I chose this and therefore chose all that it entails. May I remember God in my breath and be grateful for it even in those moments where it may be harder to breathe. May the source of my love be known and my presence to all of my blessings be constant.