A Love Letter to my student-friends

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Since becoming pregnant, I had assumed I would teach up until the very end. Today is Monday, March 12th and I am 27 weeks and 2 days pregnant... and I now stand corrected on that self-made assumption.

Physically, I'm going pretty strong and have few discomforts and complaints.

While I definitely feel a big difference in energy and how my body feels today compared to how I felt during the heart of my second trimester, I'm doing well and am so grateful for having maintained this level of fitness through over a decade+ of yoga and 3+ years of CrossFit since long before becoming pregnant. It's helped me in so many ways throughout this pregnancy.

That said, so much has happened that I could not have expected nor planned for. I find myself telling my friends that this entire experience has been far more profound and so much deeper than one could ever imagine before actually being here in this place. About a month ago, there was a shift in the experience of this ever growing and changing body, seemingly overnight. And not too long after that, there was a definite energetic change that had me really wanting and needing to start pulling my energy back in for myself; desiring to speak less and become much more internal in an effort to quiet my mind in preparation for the many intense changes ahead.

For years, I felt defined as a yoga teacher. In truth, I was self-defined as such and it created a lot of pain and suffering for me. A few years ago, I began to explore the possibilities that I may very well be so much more than "just" a yoga teacher. I was determined to prove otherwise and began getting my feet wet as I danced with the unfamiliar and started exploring uncharted territory in the way of other abstract interests, aspirations, dreams and previously unidentified/unexercised gifts and talents. Today, I am so grateful for the work and self-inquiry I did during that time as I joyfully walk in the direction of making this transition out of the classroom and straight into answering the highest teaching calling of them all as I chant "YES!" the entire way.

 

While I am confident that this body could most definitely teach until the end as I had initially anticipated, I have decided to stop teaching my regular public classes as of the end of March.

The next few months are going to be an exciting time for my family. Beginning with our moving into our new home at the end of this month, then preparing the nursery for the arrival of our son shortly thereafter, followed by some much needed and welcomed personal time intended for grounding myself as I prepare to steep deeply in the yoga of motherhood.

My plans are continue strength training and practicing yoga as it continues to serve my body/mind/spirit extremely well through this beautiful (and often times, crazy) process and I most certainly intend to continue drawing inward while listening intently through a deepening meditation practice, re-exploring my music and doing more birth art.

I still have a few weekend offerings between now and my due date that I intend to fulfill (Nature willing :) and will continue to make myself available for a very limited number of private lessons. (My scheduled weekend workshops/expos can be found on the schedule page of my website.)


 

I am grateful and humbled for those who have supported my efforts in the Austin yoga community, nationally and abroad, those who continue to reach out and extend teaching invites, the studios who have stood by and have encouraged me to shine my light and undoubtedly, for those who have made ritual of our regular and ongoing practice together over the years.


 

Because my new focus will be shifted towards that of my family and my own student-ship, right now I have no idea as to if I will resume a "regular/weekly public class schedule" anytime soon. What I can share is that I have begun putting the intention out there to make myself available to continue teaching special offerings in the way of festivals, expos, retreats, teacher training and weekend workshops/clinics beginning sometime in the fall in some shape or form with an emphasis on a musical component + sharing it in the way of accompanying my yoga teacher-friends.

In Sanskrit there is a word, Anitya. In Pali, Anicca expresses the same meaning which translates as "changing" or "impermanence". As I sit in the unknown of what's ahead while feeling my creation kicking and swimming inside my beautifully round, full and expanding belly, what I trust is that It's all changing. I welcome the blessings, gifts and Grace that has been bestowed upon me and I look forward to riding the new waves of this wild and crazy-beautiful journey that is my life!

May we all be happy, peaceful and at ease.

May we all learn to recognize the Guru in its many, many forms.

May we remember to love the Light within ourselves as the all-inclusive love that it is rather than a dualistic notion as something outside of ourselves.

And may we always remember that this Light within ourselves is the very same Light that connects each and every one of us.

Infiniate blessings to you and yours,

Sanieh

Observations.

Within the experience of my senses there are full but delicate yellow and white carnations on the kitchen table, smells of double-whicked candles that fill the air, a soft metronome of the ticking clock on the wall and the bright yellow sunflower I painted that serves as my reminder of one of the most moving experience I've ever had all because someone discovered their gift and said "Yes!" in choosing to be fully self-expressed in developing and sharing it.

I hear my beloved in the other room as he prepares for his evening rituals while I continue to hum the lyrics, "Godspeed, little man" as if we were still singing and harmonizing as he strummed the lullaby on my guitar right next to me.

My body is becoming fuller, more beautiful than ever before and continues to shift and change as my belly, breasts and heart expand so that they can serve their very purpose...to be the lifeline for the growing pearl in my womb that I get to call my little baby boy; my child.

My heart is full, so full; fuller than ever before.
I feel grounded and anchored in purpose.
And I am with deep peace.

I feel strong, physically,
Empowered mentally
and
At One spiritually.

Everything is changing and it's all uncharted territory yet

I am calm,
full of trust
and driven by love.

This is my life.

And this is me, drinking my tea, witnessing the beauty and blessing in the simplicity that is my incredible, love-filled, grand and full life.

30 Day New Moon Sadhana~An Invitation for 2012 Vision

Beginning on November 24th (U.S. Thanksgiving Day and the first day of the next New Moon cycle) -December 23rd, I will be entering into a 30 day Sadhana (meaning "Sacred Practice" in Sanskrit) ritual  meditating on some exciting changes taking place in my life.

I chose the New moon vs the Full moon for this Sadhana because of the significance of New endeavors, plans, visions and possibilities. I invite my fellow students-friends, family, community to consider an aspect of this ritual that resonates with you and commit to it for 30 days.

To learn more about New Moon rituals (this is very general... take or leave what you like but this might help someone who is completely in the dark over this idea who might also be interested in the likes of it), you can check out this like for different bullet point thoughts about it: http://astrology.about.com/od/themoon/a/NewMoonRituals.htm

The objective of my Sadhana will be initiated on Thanksgiving Day. To give you an idea, one of the rituals I will be committing to includes 20 minutes of daily meditation for the 30 day cycle. The focus of this meditation will be one that includes a lot of visualization, deepening intuition and opening myself up to all that I intend to step into this new stage of my life with.

I wasn't sure this was something I wanted to make public but it occurred to me that there are likely people out there who are interested who might not have the courage to ask questions. So in my detailing some of this information while still holding for myself that which I wish to keep private, my hope is to inspire others to take a deeper look into the mirror of Sva-yaya or self-study. Over the years I have had hundreds of emails and questions from yoga students world-wide asking me how to deepen their practice. Some would ask for references on sacred text or scriptures, others on how to refine their asanas. It's way more complicated requiring significantly more patience, skill, desire and dedication to have a seat with ourselves, ask the question again and again then sit quietly awaiting the answer. It is of my opinion that committing to this kind of self-study is the advanced practice of yoga and certainly the key to the LIVING YOGA practice. One could be clued on on the truth of this when taking a look at the 8-fold path Pantanjali outlined when he put breath control, control of the senses, awareness, devotion and Union (with the Divine/God/Grace) later on AFTER asana (the physical form practice) in the Yoga Sutras.

Where was I?

OK...
Between now and then I will be creating a mini altar that represents this personal sadhana practice. I think many people have a stereo-typical idea of what an altar is or should be. I know I did. I have had many altars over the years, all of which changed as I changed. As a matter of fact, ever since Jeff and I moved in together and the condo has been on the market, most of my personal belonging are packed in boxed so I don't actually even have any of my altars out (I keep close to the traveling alter I keep in my heart which is part, why I'm going for simplicity this time. Mine will be smaller in size but potent and meaningful). If I did, they would be recreating themselves to reflect the many changes in my life as any altar should.

It's important to know that there is a difference between "decoration" and an actual altar. It can be any size and include anything that reflects and supports the energy of your intention. Said alter might include colors, images, symbols, photos of loved ones, meaningful quotations or affirmations and personal "totems" that resemble your life or energy you are petitioning. What's important about altars is that there are no rules or guidelines other than it must be sacred and significant to the creator of it.

If you have never stepped into a sacred practice over a period of time, I especially extend this invitation to you. For starters, it is habit promoting. It also requires commitment which requires dedication and solid and meaningful intent. To help get you started, I have listed some ideas of possible rituals you could commit to that are short in duration, portable and realistic for all levels of explorers:

~5 minutes of seated, walking, mantra meditation daily
~10 minutes (5 min in the morning, 5 in the evening or 10 and 10) of the above
~750 morning words of stream of consciousness writing as noted in "The Artist's Way"
~Daily Nature Meditation
~Daily prayer, scripture, quote or contemplative question meditation for contemplation. NOTE: This would look something like meditating on the SAME prayer for the entire cycle noticing what comes up from it and what dissolves as a result of the contemplation
~30 day personal yoga practice (any committed period of time), alone in your personal space or nature... judgement free
~30 day commitment to abstinence of any addictions be it, alcohol, sex, (don't judge...it is and could be for some), sugar or anything else that may be toxic (or for some, otherwise healthy but has become toxic due to over use etc)

~Affirmation. NOTE: Always stated in the affirmative and in the present moment. "I AM..." rather than "I don't" or "am not" and always in present moment rather than "I am going to...". Extra points if you can do this while looking at yourself in a mirror and mean/believe what you are feeding yourself.

NOTE: Here's a hint: The idea is to commit to change for the new vision... don't go for "easy". Nobody ever grew personally and spiritually in "easy".

May we all remember that every day is a day of Thanksgiving. Every day is a day to begin a New Year. Every day is an Auspicious new beginning.

Happy Thanksgiving.

OCD~Balance Seeker

It wasn't until my mid 20s while watching a documentary on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I realized there was an actual name for the constant mental nagging that ruled a part of my life from the age of about 10 until I was around 16 years old.

Nobody ever said anything to me about it nor was I ever diagnosed unless there were conversations without my knowledge but looking back from a present day place of "balance", it was severe enough that it threw off my mental well-being quite a bit.

OCD is interesting in that it's an extreme nagging of the mind that prompts people to the specific compulsion. Until that nagging is satisfied, there is a frequency of doing something one is pulled to satisfy but if any element to the pattern or rhythm is thrown off, it resets the entire cycle. This is the way it was for me anyway. One almost needs a degree in mathematics to follow what went on in my mind in the way of numbers.

For me, it was about balance; it was about even numbers but also mirror imaging whatever I did in the same even number pattern. My mind liked sets of 4s but the number of sets were also in 4s. MY OCD got way more complicated than that however. So when I sniffed (yes, sniffed...I always had the sniffles due to bad allergies...still do just not as bad) for example, I would have to do so in incriments of 4s on one side then repeat through the other nostril in increiments of 4s. If when during one of those cycles, one side happen to take over when it wasn't it's "turn", it would disrupt the whole thing aggravating my OCD even more so and I'd have to begin again only beginning first with the opposite side completing (incorrectly albeit it) the first patterns THEN mirror imaging it. Get all that? I feel your pain. That was the stress I had in my head controlling the situation a lot of the time never mind the headache pressure that I often had from sniffing so much to satisfy the damn thing.

In some cases like mine, it can drive someone fucking nuts just to satisfy this mental nagging. Some of the things that the compulsion manifests itself as can sound funny or harmless but to the one suffering, that's far from the truth of their experience. Some people are quite literally trapped in their lives from it and need serious help managing it. Mine wasn't enjoyable by any stretch but it was embarrassing, stressful and affected my health and wellness. I  really couldn't stop until my mind said so. That's what OCD does.

While my sniffing was probably the worst of it because it affected me physically, I experienced OCD doing things like stepping on cracks of the sidewalk or if I drug the toe of my shoe (increments of 4s, sets of 4s, the other side, then begin again starting with the other side first etc), if I hit my hand against a wall or something... it was those kinds of thing where a physical part of myself touched something else. Another interesting fact about OCD is that it doesn't matter who else is there. The nagging does not discriminate it just has to be satisfied before the individual can go on about their day. Take the person who locked their door on the way out. The KNOW they locked the door but the compulsive behavior is there and they go up the flight of stairs umpteen times to check the lock. Each time they may or may not get further from the house but the stress and anxiety that is present to continue to check the lock prevents them from leaving the house ultimately and at it's worst.

It's really quite fascinating, this disorder. I love watching documentaries on it. The brain is such an amazing computer. When there's even the tiniest glitch, it can fuck up someone's mental well-being in a second.

Every so often tiny traces of that OCD reveal itself  today only these days I favor trios. That's what gives me a sense of "balance" now aside of OCD. My favorite number is an odd number as well. Maybe that's me shooting the finger at the OCD demanding personal control over my thinker :) Thank goodness it's not at all extreme like it was before and most importantly, it's nowhere NEAR the same sense of mental nagging to satisfy the obsession which makes for significant increase in mental-well being which is so very important. It's more of an awareness of what once existed without the compulsion; a memory of what once was perhaps. In reflection I've learned that it matters not how well one's physical well-being is if they are not at peace mentally and spiritually.

Today, still a creature of balance, my yoga practice helps any residue of OCD left in me in so many ways. While I no longer struggle with OCD in the way I did when I was younger, the way I practice and facilitate practice; a way that encourages breaking the formal structure and ridgid form through fluidity and breath-driven spontaneous movement if you will, allows one permission to break symmetry and be with the possibility that "balance" can exist without it. One side of your body may be tighter than the other requiring more attention be it in a yoga posture, stretch, etc.

Somewhere between the spaces of my former extreme OCD and the practice I teach and share that encourages a deep understanding of the spontanious and liberation that can only be found in exploration, exists the place where I find the most balance not only in my body but in my recovering over-active mind. I have learned that "balance" is relative and different times of the year and periods of my life call on different actions to create a sense of balance.

If somehow you have found this blog and are not a practitioner of yoga, I really encourage looking into that possibility especially for those suffering, be it from OCD, ADD, .PTSD... what have you. While not always a cure-all, with time, patience and dedication, a steady yoga practice will deepend your sense of body awareness, create space in your body and mind through mindful breathing and allow one to witness the mind as the machine that it is, rather than the self-defining keeper of truth-telling conversation that it is not.

Breathe well.
Sanieh

Driven by Love

This entry is inspired by something I read something recently that reminded me of a simple Life Truth...


When we are driven by our love for another person, we are truly unstoppable. 

Drear Grace,
May I continue to be reminded and honor the power of choice in the people with whom I choose to love and in doing so, may I always remember why I chose Love in the first place. May I have the strength to never take it / them for granted and may I be gifted with mindful moments of pause when I see my "stories", fears and patterns play out. May I continue forth with an open, trusting and forgiving heart... we are only human. May I always remember to ask the question,

"What would love do?"

And may I move from the question itself with open arms and with bravery. In doing so, may my inquiry into the question open me up to a life full of wonder and possibility.

May I learn, on the purest level, to recognize the teacher in all experiences, people and circumstances and in choosing to see the lesson and teaching in all things, may I inspire those who walk beside me to do the same.

May my love for other people and desire to help them reveal my own gifts and hidden talents and may the discovery of these blessings, fueled with an authenticity that allows them to take flight, find their full expressions in the world  fulfilling my greatest sense of purpose while continuing to reach the hearts of those I have yet to know and love.

May all fears and all that seems unsettled in my heart be calmed by faith, trust and and undeniable knowing within myself that I am MEANT to be here, standing in this very moment, with these people in this opportunity  TODAY. May I always remember that because I AM, I am no accident. May I always remember to call on my inner still-point as I draw closer and closer towards a radical self-love and as a result, may I move from love fearlessly every day, for the rest of my God-given life, so help me Grace.