You cannot make someone love you.

Sometimes the most graceful and powerful choice one can make is to be the bigger person and allow the success of their abundant and love-filled life to speak for them.

No jabs.
No scars.
No threats.

As Gandhi put it, "My life is my message."

So much beauty in my life to focus on.
Onward and Upward...

OCD~Balance Seeker

It wasn't until my mid 20s while watching a documentary on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that I realized there was an actual name for the constant mental nagging that ruled a part of my life from the age of about 10 until I was around 16 years old.

Nobody ever said anything to me about it nor was I ever diagnosed unless there were conversations without my knowledge but looking back from a present day place of "balance", it was severe enough that it threw off my mental well-being quite a bit.

OCD is interesting in that it's an extreme nagging of the mind that prompts people to the specific compulsion. Until that nagging is satisfied, there is a frequency of doing something one is pulled to satisfy but if any element to the pattern or rhythm is thrown off, it resets the entire cycle. This is the way it was for me anyway. One almost needs a degree in mathematics to follow what went on in my mind in the way of numbers.

For me, it was about balance; it was about even numbers but also mirror imaging whatever I did in the same even number pattern. My mind liked sets of 4s but the number of sets were also in 4s. MY OCD got way more complicated than that however. So when I sniffed (yes, sniffed...I always had the sniffles due to bad allergies...still do just not as bad) for example, I would have to do so in incriments of 4s on one side then repeat through the other nostril in increiments of 4s. If when during one of those cycles, one side happen to take over when it wasn't it's "turn", it would disrupt the whole thing aggravating my OCD even more so and I'd have to begin again only beginning first with the opposite side completing (incorrectly albeit it) the first patterns THEN mirror imaging it. Get all that? I feel your pain. That was the stress I had in my head controlling the situation a lot of the time never mind the headache pressure that I often had from sniffing so much to satisfy the damn thing.

In some cases like mine, it can drive someone fucking nuts just to satisfy this mental nagging. Some of the things that the compulsion manifests itself as can sound funny or harmless but to the one suffering, that's far from the truth of their experience. Some people are quite literally trapped in their lives from it and need serious help managing it. Mine wasn't enjoyable by any stretch but it was embarrassing, stressful and affected my health and wellness. I  really couldn't stop until my mind said so. That's what OCD does.

While my sniffing was probably the worst of it because it affected me physically, I experienced OCD doing things like stepping on cracks of the sidewalk or if I drug the toe of my shoe (increments of 4s, sets of 4s, the other side, then begin again starting with the other side first etc), if I hit my hand against a wall or something... it was those kinds of thing where a physical part of myself touched something else. Another interesting fact about OCD is that it doesn't matter who else is there. The nagging does not discriminate it just has to be satisfied before the individual can go on about their day. Take the person who locked their door on the way out. The KNOW they locked the door but the compulsive behavior is there and they go up the flight of stairs umpteen times to check the lock. Each time they may or may not get further from the house but the stress and anxiety that is present to continue to check the lock prevents them from leaving the house ultimately and at it's worst.

It's really quite fascinating, this disorder. I love watching documentaries on it. The brain is such an amazing computer. When there's even the tiniest glitch, it can fuck up someone's mental well-being in a second.

Every so often tiny traces of that OCD reveal itself  today only these days I favor trios. That's what gives me a sense of "balance" now aside of OCD. My favorite number is an odd number as well. Maybe that's me shooting the finger at the OCD demanding personal control over my thinker :) Thank goodness it's not at all extreme like it was before and most importantly, it's nowhere NEAR the same sense of mental nagging to satisfy the obsession which makes for significant increase in mental-well being which is so very important. It's more of an awareness of what once existed without the compulsion; a memory of what once was perhaps. In reflection I've learned that it matters not how well one's physical well-being is if they are not at peace mentally and spiritually.

Today, still a creature of balance, my yoga practice helps any residue of OCD left in me in so many ways. While I no longer struggle with OCD in the way I did when I was younger, the way I practice and facilitate practice; a way that encourages breaking the formal structure and ridgid form through fluidity and breath-driven spontaneous movement if you will, allows one permission to break symmetry and be with the possibility that "balance" can exist without it. One side of your body may be tighter than the other requiring more attention be it in a yoga posture, stretch, etc.

Somewhere between the spaces of my former extreme OCD and the practice I teach and share that encourages a deep understanding of the spontanious and liberation that can only be found in exploration, exists the place where I find the most balance not only in my body but in my recovering over-active mind. I have learned that "balance" is relative and different times of the year and periods of my life call on different actions to create a sense of balance.

If somehow you have found this blog and are not a practitioner of yoga, I really encourage looking into that possibility especially for those suffering, be it from OCD, ADD, .PTSD... what have you. While not always a cure-all, with time, patience and dedication, a steady yoga practice will deepend your sense of body awareness, create space in your body and mind through mindful breathing and allow one to witness the mind as the machine that it is, rather than the self-defining keeper of truth-telling conversation that it is not.

Breathe well.
Sanieh

Driven by Love

This entry is inspired by something I read something recently that reminded me of a simple Life Truth...


When we are driven by our love for another person, we are truly unstoppable. 

Drear Grace,
May I continue to be reminded and honor the power of choice in the people with whom I choose to love and in doing so, may I always remember why I chose Love in the first place. May I have the strength to never take it / them for granted and may I be gifted with mindful moments of pause when I see my "stories", fears and patterns play out. May I continue forth with an open, trusting and forgiving heart... we are only human. May I always remember to ask the question,

"What would love do?"

And may I move from the question itself with open arms and with bravery. In doing so, may my inquiry into the question open me up to a life full of wonder and possibility.

May I learn, on the purest level, to recognize the teacher in all experiences, people and circumstances and in choosing to see the lesson and teaching in all things, may I inspire those who walk beside me to do the same.

May my love for other people and desire to help them reveal my own gifts and hidden talents and may the discovery of these blessings, fueled with an authenticity that allows them to take flight, find their full expressions in the world  fulfilling my greatest sense of purpose while continuing to reach the hearts of those I have yet to know and love.

May all fears and all that seems unsettled in my heart be calmed by faith, trust and and undeniable knowing within myself that I am MEANT to be here, standing in this very moment, with these people in this opportunity  TODAY. May I always remember that because I AM, I am no accident. May I always remember to call on my inner still-point as I draw closer and closer towards a radical self-love and as a result, may I move from love fearlessly every day, for the rest of my God-given life, so help me Grace.

Augmentation, Self-Acceptance & Defining Beauty

I have been confronted with many opportunities throughout my life to examine what beauty means to me. It’s easy for young women in the West to become body obsessed from a superficial, self-defining place instead of  a place of health, wellness and comfort within the skin we’ve been given.

I grew up around a woman who taught me that I was so much more than my body, my hair, my boyfriends or even my circumstances for that matter. I saw my mother walk confidently and be within her body with grace and ease never once declaring conversations about my weight or shape nor did I witness her speaking poorly of herself. Where there were changes to be made, they were made from a place within, never in search of anyone else’s approval. She was a fine example of beauty and grace through her actions. I believe she mindfully lived this way knowing that at the end of each day, I would be a student to the choices she would make much more than the words she would speak.

I had never looked down on myself with self-deprecating talk about my body. Never as a child, pre-teen or teenager did I judge or compare the size of my breasts or my hips with anyone else nor did I ever feel insecure about my body. Don't get me wrong, I had my own shit, but this was not one of them. I saw my mother be present to what she ate and  I saw her take a proactive interest in a healthy and active lifestyle.

I was 19 years young when a line was drawn in the sand and my perception was forever changed.

Impressionable as I was, I became self-defined by external sources; the men I dated to be specific. I will never forget the moment I gave a part of myself away named "self-confidence" when I aligned my vibration with his words.

“This breast is larger than that one and you’re bottom heavy.”

It was that same year that I got breast implants to “fix” what someone else perceived as my “imperfection.”

In my mind, I justified this augmentation because my mother had breast implants. I knew the truth but it wasn't until much later I would admit to myself that my mother was a grown woman with four children and well into her 30's when she made that call and in doing so, her decision had nothing to do with anyone else’s approval. Nothing had changed in the way she presented herself to me or to the world. 

Over the years I would struggled to make peace with the new additions in my body. While a perceived “great boob-job”, never did they feel natural in my body. As a matter of fact, I was always so acutely aware of the left one. That one in particular always felt so foreign in my body.

Enter Yoga.

As I showed up to yoga and began to develop and deepen my practice, I became more and more body aware as is the case with many practitioners. Over time, I became uncomfortable physically and became self-conscious of "them". There came a time when I looked into their removal but it wasn’t until 2005 that I actually scheduled an appointment at Vanderbilt Medical Center to finally remove the implants that tried so desperately to make a home in my body.

Almost nine years to the date, my perfectly healthy implants were removed and not a day has gone by that I have regretted that decision. I actually woke up from surgery crying saying “I feel better already.”

Today, with much smaller, all-natural breasts, I have never felt sexier, more feminine and at home in my body. This is the body I have been given and while I can never go back to what was, I feel more in touch, with complete body awareness and in union with the skin I live in.

On the most basic fundamental level, yoga teaches us to remember our  innate perfection and wholeness. There is nothing missing. Let me say that again...

THERE IS NOTHING MISSING.

Everything we ever needed to know we already know and everything we will ever need to go forward is inward. Sadly, somewhere along the way, we just forgot how complete we really are. But we have arrived fully equipped for the journey and I have my yoga practice to remind me of that and this testimonial as living proof.

My journey as a woman in what is often a very unrealistic, size-defining Western society is one that provides so many opportunities to define and redefine what beauty really looks like. One day, I hope to be an example to my children as to what real beauty is, where it comes from and what it actually looks like. Until then, I hope that I can be that for other women because the truth is this:

My inner light shines because I feel whole, strong, healthy and at home in this body. That wholeness is not dependent on the size of my breasts or the size of my ass. My light has not dimmed because I just cut 12 inches off what was my long hair. That light just caught fire because doing so liberated me on the inside. My light shines like a bonfire in the desert moon-lit sky because I choose what defines me and I have made a home within the costume of this body I was born into. As a result, I have learned to love every last scar from the choices I have made all along the way
... and I've learned to honor them as reminders of the battles I have fought and won.

The Undiscovered & Unexamined Gifts

"Inaction is the greatest risk of all." Tim Ferriss

I believe in my soul that we all have gifts. I believe in my bones that we have all been blessed with these gifts in one way or another. In some forms, like a child prodigy in the way of music or art for example, these gifts are obvious. For some, like Micheal Jordan who got cut from his middle school basketball team then later became one of the world's greatest basketball players of all time, the gift is there but needs some work.

I have been considering my gifts; my under developed and unexamined gifts both recognized and the ones I have no idea that exist. Here are my thoughts:

We must train our gifts. Some of these blessing, I believe, actualize themselves in a tangible way. The talent is just there. In other ways however, I believe our gifts reveal themselves in our longing itself. The way author Carolyn Myss describes in one of her books...Anatomy of Spirit I believe it was, there is a seed that was planted long ago when we crossed that river before we were born into this world after having chosen the family we were to be born into to live the life that would need to live to learn the lessons we would need to learn to come into *full* self realization. With this, I have found myself looking at those longings, at the obvious potential in the way of certain talents no matter how undeveloped and have found myself sort of seeking out those talents and gifts I've been oblivious to.

When I look at music for example I realize that to someone who is not musically inclined, they might feel that I have some real talent. Being musically inclined however, and I don't say this from a self-defeating place mind you, I can see where I lack some skill and where I, dare I say, am not skilled enough to pursue it in a professional way...to the degree that I view "professional" anyway. Now before you jump my shit, give me a moment to explain. I say this from a place of accountibility. I realize this is one of my gifts. My longing and musically inclined ability is a blessing I've been given but it's one I have leisurely worked on and have trained next to not at all. Some people come out of the womb with the ability and skill. I have been given the talent but it's up to me to exercise that talent.

Everyone is on the ball field but not everyone is playing the game.

We are all Graced with talents, gifts and blessings but often they are nothing but longings that require time and attention. Just as a professional (fill in the blank) trains for their big event, they train it. They train the skill. First the longing, then the potential is discovered (maybe) but then the skill; the craft must be trained.

So as I prepare to go into the studio this summer for a recording project I've sat on for 2 years, I find myself in a process with a fierce determination to uncover the hidden talents, gifts and blessings I've been Graced with. I am going to put more of my energy into following what the Tantrikas yogins call, the Spanda or the creative and very ALIVE pulse and creativity within us all. I'm going to see what I find there.

If for no other reason, discovering, exercising and developing our talents and longings make us feel more fulfilled resulting in our being better people in the world for having done so.

At the end of my day, when I am in my final breaths as I'm surround by the people who make my heart tick, I need to know there was no stone left unturned and no wrapped gifts in the bag left undiscovered and unopened.

Small Life vs Big life

I attended my very first Yoga Teacher Training with the Living Yoga Program where my roommate for the 10-day, 100 hour segment portion of the training was a gal named Gwen Bell who would later become a huge social media sensation (no really... she made the Forbes list for Most Influential Women in Technology and she's far younger than I. Ironically, she no longer considers herself a social media strategist and has goals of a permanent digital sabbatical...including email of course). Over the years I have been in touch with Gwen on and off and have followed her blogs and website (which has been totally revamped and simplified with far less content including a lot of bragging rights she has earned through her fierce dedication to her ever changing work in the world) as well as her twitter (nearly 18,000 faithful followers) and I continue to be inspired by the way she lives her life.

Those who know me well, I mean really well know that I consider myself a modern day renunciate to the point of regularly cleaning out my life of un-necessary tangible and materialistic items. Simply stated, I don't like stuff just for the sake of having stuff. Furthermore, I have to love it to buy it if it's $5 or $500. To me, I find it wasteful is something does not serve a purpose (and that purpose might be simply to have something beautiful to look at that inspires me but even so, same rules apply). I don't know where this began but I'm pretty sure it was when I was married, in the process of preparing for a divorce I intuitively knew was coming and needed to happen. I remember looking at the stack year books that had belonged to my mother that I somehow ended up with, calling a friend and asking "Am I a horrible person if I toss these in the dumpster?" I also remember the relief in the realization that my mother herself would have stood there had she been alive and said to me, "Baby girl... if you are feeling bogged down because of those books or anything else, through that shit out!" And that's exactly what I did.

Ever since that moment, I have owned that part of myself to the point that when I start to feel crazy in my head, it's likely that I am surrounding myself by a bunch of un-necessary shit that clutters my life and mind. It might be people who drain me or it might be un-necessary random shit that serves no purpose or has any real use what so ever. All of this to say, I've got nothing on Gwen in comparison.

I'm actually not comparing here, just using Gwen as a term of measure actually. She's much more of a renunciate than I.

She was being interviewed and was asked the question as to when and why she got off of Facebook. Of the 3-page interview I read, it was her answer to this question that really got me thinking.


I quit Facebook when I realized it made my life smaller, not bigger. That was December 2010. I went through about a week of withdrawal and haven't  returned.

This got me thinking, "how are my choices contributing to a smaller life rather than the bigger one I want to be living?"


I'll be taking a deeper look at my life as to where I can simplify to expand, where I can clean and clear out so that there is more room to grow and I'll be taking inventory on what I can let go of in every aspect of my life. I like to do this often but as I am in a big, beautiful and exciting shift in my life, I am preparing for a larger "semi-annual" big clearing if you will.

I choose the bigger life. I choose to act in a way that supports creating that bigger life. I choose to make changes where I feel there is clutter in my life mentally, emotional and literally because I know the result creates a clutter-free spiritual life. I want to be the best I can be for myself and when I am at my best, my light shines its brightest for the people I love and surround myself with.


It's never crowded along the extra mile. -Dr. Wayne Dyer

March/April Wisdom.

My personal epiphanies, thoughts and "notes to self" I've learned and realized the last few months. All words in quotes were morsels of love and wisdom shared with me.

*I said "My light feels dim right now." He said "Then let me give you some of mine."

Love.Trumps.All.

*It's true that it's never too late. But waiting until later may mean that the process takes a hell of  lot longer and is a hell of a lot harder.
*Create and check in with goals and intentions often. Take note of what has been accomplished, what has changed and what is no longer as important as you once thought it was.

*"There is no room for embarrassment or shame in an honest effort that results in failure."

*At the end of the day, no matter what you have done in your life or what others have perceived as a full life well lived, YOU must be content and proud of YOURSELF. A fine line between being contempt and being complacent. A fine line between forward movement towards reaching and exhausting your fullest potential and never being satisfied, beating yourself up and never giving yourself the credit you deserve.

*There is no greater defeat or disappointment than that defeat and disappointment you can feel within yourself. And even that...ESPECIALLY that, deserves fierce understanding, forgiveness and compassion.

*Check yourself often.
*You CAN do it.
*Everyone has a different lot in life. No wish for anyone else's lot. Live yours with purpose even when you're uncertain of its purpose.
*What you see is not always what you get.
*You are strong, beautiful and powerful.
*Don't wait until last minute to take the online defensive driving course.
*Pay attention to the newly updated online defensive driving course or you'll be retaking it.
*When they keep coming back. You're doing something right.
*Be an encourager.
*Success is relative.
*Open communication wins every time.
*Patience.
*Trust.
*Be kind always.