March/April Wisdom.

My personal epiphanies, thoughts and "notes to self" I've learned and realized the last few months. All words in quotes were morsels of love and wisdom shared with me.

*I said "My light feels dim right now." He said "Then let me give you some of mine."

Love.Trumps.All.

*It's true that it's never too late. But waiting until later may mean that the process takes a hell of  lot longer and is a hell of a lot harder.
*Create and check in with goals and intentions often. Take note of what has been accomplished, what has changed and what is no longer as important as you once thought it was.

*"There is no room for embarrassment or shame in an honest effort that results in failure."

*At the end of the day, no matter what you have done in your life or what others have perceived as a full life well lived, YOU must be content and proud of YOURSELF. A fine line between being contempt and being complacent. A fine line between forward movement towards reaching and exhausting your fullest potential and never being satisfied, beating yourself up and never giving yourself the credit you deserve.

*There is no greater defeat or disappointment than that defeat and disappointment you can feel within yourself. And even that...ESPECIALLY that, deserves fierce understanding, forgiveness and compassion.

*Check yourself often.
*You CAN do it.
*Everyone has a different lot in life. No wish for anyone else's lot. Live yours with purpose even when you're uncertain of its purpose.
*What you see is not always what you get.
*You are strong, beautiful and powerful.
*Don't wait until last minute to take the online defensive driving course.
*Pay attention to the newly updated online defensive driving course or you'll be retaking it.
*When they keep coming back. You're doing something right.
*Be an encourager.
*Success is relative.
*Open communication wins every time.
*Patience.
*Trust.
*Be kind always.

The Original Possibility

Antone's in Austin,TX October 2002

When I attended the Landmark Forum and Landmark Advanced Course last year, I became aware of the term Possibility in terms of using it as means to explain what is possible...what was always possible. It was through this educational seminar that I got just how much we get caught up in our past, our fears of *so many things and whether or not we believe we are worthy or OK within ourselves and in the eyes of others. I realized on a very deep level just how often we create boundaries and ideas of what we train ourselves to believe is and is not possible. I don't want to get into my attempt to explain in any more in detail as that would do both the courses and a reader a huge dis-service but I highly encourage everyone I know to attend these life changing courses when they come through a city near you.

I don't remember how it came to me but I started thinking about the original possibility in my life; the first big dream/vision I had for myself and in doing so, I started to think about where I lost it.

For me, being a singer/songwriter was my original possibility.

Photo: May 28th, 2007

It wasn't really encouraged or supported but I wasn't banned from it or anything either. I have books full of songs I've written since the first one I wrote when I was 17 shortly after my mother was killed. While it wouldn't be my first choice of expression today, its title is tattooed on my ankled, but that's beside the point.

I use to sing in the choir (somewhere I have a VHS tape of myself and a guy named Dustin singing "After All" by Peter Cetera and Cher...ohh memories...) and with my mother as she played the piano in the living room. I've sung at the legendary Antone's here in Austin opening up for Jr. Brown

Antone's in Austin, TX October 2002

and was featured on the former Warner Brother's channel singing a tribute to the September 11th Anniversary. I've been in the recording studio (one of the best in Austin) with support of some of Austin's best to make a record quality demo CD that would eventually shopped by Arista, Sony Dallas and others. It was a totally different time for musicians back then but I was given opportunities that many work their entire lives towards and on a few occasions, I walked away from them as my life called for different necessary experiences I had to go through.

It wasn't until later on that I got my first guitar (I'm on my third currently) and while I'm not great at it by any means; to someone who doesn't play at all, they might think I could play well or at least that I know what I'm doing (I know very little, lets be honest!). Perception...

While I don't claim to be the best vocalist in the world, the way I feel when I use my voice with creativity and passion from my heart is unexplainable. I use to dream of the big stage but these days, I get so much pleasure out of sitting on my office floor working on new songs or putting my flavor on a cover and I do so in the company of only my dog. Rarely do I share these personal stories that have made their way through my hands, heart and mouth and when I do I quietly begin by humming, then I pretend its just my dog, myself and my story and my mouth opens and I set aside the fear of judgment and I let it out. When the song ends, I bashfully put the guitar down, smile at any commentary and move on about my day.

Being a singer/songwriter; my original possibility.

Somewhere along the way, it got lost.
But inside...
it never died.

What was your original possibility?
What would a resurrection look like in your life today?
How 'bout it?

What's in a Goal?

In response to the "talent search" (and the enormous controversy over it) currently being put on by Yoga Journal Magazine, I've been thinking a lot about goals.

It was last year when I wrote about re-assessing some of my goals. I wrote about how some of them had changed, some were no longer important to me, some I had already accomplished and some were just straight lame and served nothing more than the inflated ego; so I adjusted my goals accordingly. What I didn't say out loud was that being on the cover of Yoga Journal Magazine had been, at one time, one of my "goals" until I realized that I don't believe a "goal" should really be a goal at all if attaining/meeting it didn't involve something I actually had power over creating or turning into a reality. More simply stated, if the outcome/end result itself is not within my power, I'm thinking it's not something I want to call a "goal".

For a moment, I found myself getting energetically caught up in the hype and more recently as there's been several heated public debates about it in the local yoga community and beyond.

So with all of this swirling around and being a part of "talent search" (if you have no idea what i'm talking about, click here: http://talentsearch.yogajournal.com/view/1028 ) it was nice to recall that while it might be a "goal" for some it's not for me. It is something I would do if it were offered to me of course, but A goal, no.

This brings me to my point.


What's in your GOAL?

Are you really in control of the outcome?
If so, power on. If not it might be something to think about.

Don't get me wrong. I'd love to be in the world's largest yoga magazine in terms of the size of international distribution...certainly couldn't be a bad thing for business especially knowing they do nothing without calculation in the way of who is in the magazine, why and when as they should. They are a business too, after all. But the difference is this: I realize that I do not have the power to make it happen by "skill" or hard work unlike a different goal such as competing in triathlons for example. While my body is conditioned and disciplined in the way of yoga asana we are taught that there is no hierarchy within it. So while some postures are more complicated or "advanced" in nature, one does not have higher value nor does any one bring us closer to being a good person in the world than the next. I trained for triathlons, worked to improve my time, endurance and distance and was able to fulfill the goal(s) based on my own merits, efforts and hard work.

While the *art as I prefer to call it, does involve skill and technicality, I'm torn on calling yoga a "talent" unless we are talking strictly physical and if so, we should have a backbending competition or something  to which case would be gymnastics or a "Cirque" experiment and not yoga. This post isn't about the details of what differentiates these distinctions so I'll save it but again, I get it. Like I said, it's a business and if you know anything about this particular business, you might be impressed that it's being extended to the "real" yoga community so if nothing else this is worth silencing some of the negative speak. Up front the entry form asked those who intended to enter not to use their most fabulous "advanced" posture... they suggested using one the  participant felt they fully embodied and were comfortable in ... one that they felt they had "mastered".

Having been at one of their major conferences and having attended the Shakti Panel that included the editor, my teacher, Shiva, Judith HL and Seane Corn, this very topic came up. So I've been there and have heard the source address the topic of "pretty people" and "famous" people being on the cover and within the pages and their justification for it all. Some of it sounded legit, some, well, I questioned but I'm not inside the business yet I understand that it IS business therefore I have respect and an understanding that yoga itself is a business as well like it or not. I teach yoga full-time and for a living. If you teach yoga for a living you get the business element that the next person who teaches on the side to get their Zen on might not fully understand or see. That's not an insult by any means. I'm only stating fact that when your ass is on the line you have multiple aspects invested.

Unfortunately, like any business it's not always pretty and recently that has come to life in many public strings of unproductive opinions and statements being tossed around into the ether. I'm a FAN of people speaking their truth when it's unpopular and controversial. I quite like it actually and don't think there's enough of this bold honesty *especially in the world of yoga. Being a yogin doesn't mean being a doormat and it sometimes calls for unleashing something fierce when it's uncomfortable. So I have such respect for those who are willing to put themselves out there and am fascinated by this debate where it's actually productive. That said, because I've seen anger within the world of yoga, it's important to be clear on who you are angry or upset with.

I would love to see real people in the way of different body types and certainly fresh faces of every day yogins (teachers and students alike) who are out in the world making a difference locally, appear on the cover and within the magazine. So if this is the way to make that happen, them maybe it's something to consider and support even if it is a voting contest disguised as a "talent search". I do think it's important to determine how much weight is being put into this from the standpoint of those who are in the big running pool and of those voting alike...and yes, those who are put off by it as well. There are so many different angels to consider here.

This whole discussion has me wondering what it is, as a society and culture, we put our value into. What is a healthy goal? I'm making no secret of the fact that I would love to be in the magazine and it might be an accomplishment ("fulfillment of desire") but I fully understand the basis of the process. It would certainly be a honor but it's not my "skill" or "talent" that would make it happen, its public votes...and that's OK but lets call a spade a spade and not for a second let our egos convince us otherwise. I wish the same for my peers. I'm grateful to be known and recognized in my yoga community and I hold that with humility and want to support my peers and the wonderful teachers around me and certainly those teachers who might be under the radar and not as well known. In doing so, I encourage them all to put themselves out there in this way because with the international big fish publications and local ones alike, it may very well be the only means to highlighting "real world", everyday yogins who are out there changing lives, and doing it every day.

Shameless Plug-VOTE!

Vote!

(***If the link doesn't show up, it's here----> http://talentsearch.yogajournal.com/view/1028 <---*****run your arrow over it!)

And please VOTE every day! One vote, per person per DAY until April 15th! There are a few thousand in the running... yes, thousand. And it's going to take a lot but the top 5 people with the highest votes make it into Yoga Journal Magazine, the largest of its kind in terms of international distribution.

That said, help a sister out! Vote! Share this direct link on all things social media and remember you can vote every day!

Photo credit and gratitude to, Dave Re photography...

The Piece of Paper ~vs~ The Process

 Coming in from the green (the big green waters behind me) passing a local Balinese surfer who is in the background "of my life" smiling and cheering me on...even when I didn't know it. One of the most memorable captions of my life and a true metaphor.

Since starting school I have been so busy and could not have planned for the amount of time required outside of class to be successful. I'm grateful for caring professors who are teaching me very valuable life lessons, friends and family who have supported me and Jeff who has taken on the not so easy task of being my personal tutor working just as many algebraic equations with me while being the voice or reason and encouragement that always seems to sit on my shoulder when I need a gentle reminder of why I'm doing this in the first place.


I do miss my personal writing time however. Spring break is around the corner and I intend to sit down with things and create space for more creative self-care incorporating more time for those things that sustain me. Writing is one of them for sure, as is nature and travel...which I will be doing some of immediately following the semester's end. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with my energy source that is the ocean via the white sand beaches of Florida then (hyper link is acting up! Click over here ---->) on retreat at Maya Tulum a few weeks later. Until then, there's a lot to get done!


Last Sunday I found myself sitting at the table staring at what should have been a word document filled with my personal analysis on an essay I had read. I sat there rubbing my head, holding my face and questioning what I was doing. 


"Why am I even doing this?"


Across from me sat a brilliant and patient man who I have so much admiration and respect for who would later say something that would change my entire view of this project I've taken on.


He told me a college education is not about getting the piece of paper in the end. 


"A college education is about who you become through the process. That is your college education." 


When I think about the process that got me here, the years of confidence I didn't have in this area, I'm reminded of the truth to these words. That said, there's a level of confidence being developed that I had been unable to relate to until now. There's the academic learning, sure. There is also the testing of my spirit to go beyond what I sometimes question as possible, reasonable, maintainable and one of the hardest things I've ever done...and it's only just begun. Such is life. I'm writing about college here, but any experience that seems foreign or out of reach or ridiculous could be filled in the blank.

I'm a smart woman. I've had to be to both survive and succeed in the life I have been born into. While I realize many others have had it far worse than I could have ever imagined, I've made it no secret that it wasn't always easy for me. I had to teach myself to become a woman and how to relate with the world and all to often, unsuccessfully so. I've had to be my own encourager and cheerleader and the one to pick myself up when I've fallen. What I've learned is that I'm not alone. There are people around me who love me who are cheering me on sometimes quietly; sometimes quite loudly. Through all of this, I crossed an abyss in my life (when I arrived into 30s for starters) and began to change the way I saw the world and the way I saw myself. 

I still have not finished paper 4; the Interpretive Analysis, but it will be done today. I am a woman of integrity and will fulfill this personal goal I set out to take on. I know now that it's not about the time it takes me to complete this process. The growth and fulfillment will be in my returning to this commitment each day. And as I return to the commitment I will continue to develop a belief in myself, in my potential which will prove to break free from the labels I've defined myself in the world by or have been defined by, and in the possibilities of what it looks like to live a life fully explored; played full out.


As he said... 
"This is the 'bold and brave' part."

2011 Lessons Learned & Mindful Observations

*Writing the letter/email can be quite cathartic so go ahead and do it. Just don't send it.

*You cannot will someone to have an awakening-to see or "get" something. We are all on our own karmic journeys on our own time frames.

*Once you get good at hitting the curve balls and you make it to the Majors, you're considered a badass (an All Star) when you bat .300. This translates as MISSING 70%. Bigger translation: The curve balls in life count for a LOT.

*Sleep on it. For God sakes, sleep on it!

*Practice yoga then seek out it's parallel in your life. This.Will.Change.You.

*No matter what, commit to standing in your Grace and being kind.

*When you blame, you loose the lesson.

*You're not a victim.

*Everyday, try your hardest to be a good person.

*Stay true and honest with yourself. Do not sell yourself out. Do not sell yourself short.

*There is no such thing as being "too open". This is the language only of those who are afraid, closed off and contracted.

*Balance your actions and reactions.
*Learn to view everyone and every experience as a teacher.

*Some teachers are inherently assholes. They too, however, are teachers.

*You choose the "way you are". Douche bag, diva, divine delight... It's your choice. Choose wisely.

*Self reflect.

*Trust your intuition. Just don't confuse this with your thinking mind.

*Stop beating yourself up for thinking you should have known better (or for any other reason for that matter).

*Gratitude is the heart's memory. Be grateful.

*Start a gratitude journal.

*Know what stokes your heart-fire and begin stoke it's fire daily.

*Make close friends with humility.

*Encourage others every opportunity you get and be an empowering force.

*Be an awesome observer.

*Admit your faults and work on them.

*Train your weaknesses.
*Apologize.
*Do the thing. Stop talking about it or dreaming about it. Just f'n do it already!
*Decide what's important to you and focus your energy.

*For an entire day, let every.single.word. be one of support and encouragement of every.single.person. you come into contact with. 

*Simplify your life. Cut out as much bullshit as possible.

*Be true to thine own self.

Radical Self-Care~Conversations of the Heart.

You know what's good for you but the voices get in the way. Then finally, in a single solitary moment after all of the other moments, you honor what you know you need to do. No matter how hard it may seem in that moment, you get up and out of something broken, you create something new; something beautiful.

I am committed to living an inspirational and limitless life; setting an example through dusting myself off, overcoming life's adversities and  doing so with dignity, grace and strength. Nothing is impossible in my world and everything that seems to be missing, absent or void; it's all in it's own state of flow and I will work diligently to strengthen my belief and trust in this. Every person and every experience I am meant to connect with in my life will arrive in the order intended by the Universe that conspires to support and reveal it's love to me. Because I am committed to learning and being open, I recognize them as such. So far you have come, so far you have yet to go. Keep your gaze forward, your heart open; continue picking yourself back up when you fall and never ever let anything turn the switch off of your ability to forge ahead with an always open and loving heart.

Train your body and your mind alike.

Train Olympic style.

Everyday is a new event; Your Best Life; Your opportunity to be the woman you are meant to become who lives the life she was meant to live fulfilling the promises and purpose she was put here to fulfill all while sharing it with the people she was meant to know, love and be loved by.

Feed and treat both your body and your mind as sacred. 

Monitor what goes in to both and demonstrate the highest, most optimum means to succeed, perform and build endurance because as you've already learned, this ride can be bumpy. You will be jolted from time to time. You must be able to sustain your faith when your foundation seems to have been rocked and you find yourself in question. You are strong, girl...you are SO strong. 

Stay open... no matter how much it stings

Look ahead...there's so much yet to be seen... be excited

Be graceful...so soft you are in some ways, so hard you can be in others... it's OK, none of it matters now... you can soften

Forgive yourself...we are all growing and learning.What is meant to be will be. 

And when you need it, remember the way is in knowing how to harness one's warrior energy; be strong yet graceful moving and communicating from your calm and fullness instead of confusion or fear. Harness the strength and use it as needed; in defense...not defensiveness. And always, always lead, leave and complete each experience with grace and honesty. No need to leave scars in anyone else's story.

In every choice you make, be it what you put in your body, who you choose to open yourself to, what you share, what offers you oblige and what you choose to pass on...remember to ask yourself

"What choice am I making with this decision right now?".

You will work harder on your personal and spiritual growth, your academics, your livelihood, and all relations than you have ever worked in your life, ever.

You must commit to this and trust the process of your life's unfolding.

You choose this way because this is your road map to the success and abundance of all things beautiful in your life. This is the way to the redemption of your perceived "failures" and to creating expansion for everything you want in your life while recognizing; REMEMBERING; the wholeness present within the woman you already are.

I will not fight myself.

Not today. Not again.

Today you SHINE. Today you FLY. Today you demonstrate radical acceptance...because in your acceptance, is also your trust that everything you need will find its way to you.  

You may find the need to go off on your own for a bit but only long enough to 

lick your own wounds, Sanieh. 

Depend on no one else for this. 

Then get up again, and bring yourself back into the world because you have a responsibility to it....you have a responsibility and an agreement you made that is the existence of your LIFE to share yourself with the world. You are the Universe's only opportunity for all of time to experience YOU in this lifetime. Don't disappoint and do not rob others of the gifts, blessings, love and insights they were meant to know through knowing YOU.

Honor your needs in their many forms.

A run or a hike in nature, a cry, a belly laugh, conversations with strangers, stepping on the mat when it seems to be the least of your needs or through a glass of wine with a good or new friend. We're all here to nurture and love another but you must first know when/how to call on your inner lover and your inner mother... You must know how to self sooth.

In the void...

Practice Patience. Radical self care requires patience.

And Patients requires Trust.

Trust, ahh trust...

And Trust requires Faith.

Faith, requires a bone chilling, knee knocking belief in the unseen; in the understanding that it's all happening just as it's meant to.

Every pain, disappointment and hurt...

Every success, gain, and joy...

all necessary for the unseen blessings that await you. Some of the familiar will come back around in new form as you (and they) grow and learn more about yourself while other's footprints will be a part of the pages in the story that continue to shape you.. Every day is necessary for your journey. Vow to see all things and people as teachers in one form or another. Did you get the lesson?

WHAT you are VS the belief of WHO you are...a practice of compassion, never self deprecation. 

You

are

ready.

See it all for what it is.

Trust.

Pray.

Meditate.

Focus.

Love.

Love harder.

Be open.

Be graceful.

Be patient.

Be mindful.

Be present.

Be open to new things, perspectives, possibilities and changes.

It's All You. The light is flashing and the stage has been set for the leading lady of this life to take her spot.

It's Right Now.

Begin.

Create it.

Now.