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Photo credit and gratitude to, Dave Re photography...
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
The Piece of Paper ~vs~ The Process
 |
| Coming in from the green (the big green waters behind me) passing a local Balinese surfer who is in the background "of my life" smiling and cheering me on...even when I didn't know it. One of the most memorable captions of my life and a true metaphor. |
I do miss my personal writing time however. Spring break is around the corner and I intend to sit down with things and create space for more creative self-care incorporating more time for those things that sustain me. Writing is one of them for sure, as is nature and travel...which I will be doing some of immediately following the semester's end. I'm looking forward to reconnecting with my energy source that is the ocean via the white sand beaches of Florida then (hyper link is acting up! Click over here ---->) on retreat at Maya Tulum a few weeks later. Until then, there's a lot to get done!
Last Sunday I found myself sitting at the table staring at what should have been a word document filled with my personal analysis on an essay I had read. I sat there rubbing my head, holding my face and questioning what I was doing.
"Why am I even doing this?"
Across from me sat a brilliant and patient man who I have so much admiration and respect for who would later say something that would change my entire view of this project I've taken on.
He told me a college education is not about getting the piece of paper in the end.
"A college education is about who you become through the process. That is your college education."
When I think about the process that got me here, the years of confidence I didn't have in this area, I'm reminded of the truth to these words. That said, there's a level of confidence being developed that I had been unable to relate to until now. There's the academic learning, sure. There is also the testing of my spirit to go beyond what I sometimes question as possible, reasonable, maintainable and one of the hardest things I've ever done...and it's only just begun. Such is life. I'm writing about college here, but any experience that seems foreign or out of reach or ridiculous could be filled in the blank.
I'm a smart woman. I've had to be to both survive and succeed in the life I have been born into. While I realize many others have had it far worse than I could have ever imagined, I've made it no secret that it wasn't always easy for me. I had to teach myself to become a woman and how to relate with the world and all to often, unsuccessfully so. I've had to be my own encourager and cheerleader and the one to pick myself up when I've fallen. What I've learned is that I'm not alone. There are people around me who love me who are cheering me on sometimes quietly; sometimes quite loudly. Through all of this, I crossed an abyss in my life (when I arrived into 30s for starters) and began to change the way I saw the world and the way I saw myself.
I still have not finished paper 4; the Interpretive Analysis, but it will be done today. I am a woman of integrity and will fulfill this personal goal I set out to take on. I know now that it's not about the time it takes me to complete this process. The growth and fulfillment will be in my returning to this commitment each day. And as I return to the commitment I will continue to develop a belief in myself, in my potential which will prove to break free from the labels I've defined myself in the world by or have been defined by, and in the possibilities of what it looks like to live a life fully explored; played full out.
As he said...
"This is the 'bold and brave' part."
As he said...
"This is the 'bold and brave' part."
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
2011 Lessons Learned & Mindful Observations
*Writing the letter/email can be quite cathartic so go ahead and do it. Just don't send it.
*You cannot will someone to have an awakening-to see or "get" something. We are all on our own karmic journeys on our own time frames.
*Once you get good at hitting the curve balls and you make it to the Majors, you're considered a badass (an All Star) when you bat .300. This translates as MISSING 70%. Bigger translation: The curve balls in life count for a LOT.
*Sleep on it. For God sakes, sleep on it!
*Practice yoga then seek out it's parallel in your life. This.Will.Change.You.
*No matter what, commit to standing in your Grace and being kind.
*When you blame, you loose the lesson.
*You're not a victim.
*Everyday, try your hardest to be a good person.
*Stay true and honest with yourself. Do not sell yourself out. Do not sell yourself short.
*There is no such thing as being "too open". This is the language only of those who are afraid, closed off and contracted.
*Balance your actions and reactions.
*Learn to view everyone and every experience as a teacher.
*Learn to view everyone and every experience as a teacher.
*Some teachers are inherently assholes. They too, however, are teachers.
*You choose the "way you are". Douche bag, diva, divine delight... It's your choice. Choose wisely.
*Self reflect.
*Trust your intuition. Just don't confuse this with your thinking mind.
*Stop beating yourself up for thinking you should have known better (or for any other reason for that matter).
*Gratitude is the heart's memory. Be grateful.
*Start a gratitude journal.
*Know what stokes your heart-fire and begin stoke it's fire daily.
*Make close friends with humility.
*Encourage others every opportunity you get and be an empowering force.
*Be an awesome observer.
*Admit your faults and work on them.
*Train your weaknesses.
*Apologize.
*Do the thing. Stop talking about it or dreaming about it. Just f'n do it already!
*Decide what's important to you and focus your energy.
*Apologize.
*Do the thing. Stop talking about it or dreaming about it. Just f'n do it already!
*Decide what's important to you and focus your energy.
*For an entire day, let every.single.word. be one of support and encouragement of every.single.person. you come into contact with.
*Simplify your life. Cut out as much bullshit as possible.
*Be true to thine own self.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Radical Self-Care~Conversations of the Heart.
You know what's good for you but the voices get in the way. Then finally, in a single solitary moment after all of the other moments, you honor what you know you need to do. No matter how hard it may seem in that moment, you get up and out of something broken, you create something new; something beautiful.
I am committed to living an inspirational and limitless life; setting an example through dusting myself off, overcoming life's adversities and doing so with dignity, grace and strength. Nothing is impossible in my world and everything that seems to be missing, absent or void; it's all in it's own state of flow and I will work diligently to strengthen my belief and trust in this. Every person and every experience I am meant to connect with in my life will arrive in the order intended by the Universe that conspires to support and reveal it's love to me. Because I am committed to learning and being open, I recognize them as such. So far you have come, so far you have yet to go. Keep your gaze forward, your heart open; continue picking yourself back up when you fall and never ever let anything turn the switch off of your ability to forge ahead with an always open and loving heart.
Train your body and your mind alike.
Train Olympic style.
Everyday is a new event; Your Best Life; Your opportunity to be the woman you are meant to become who lives the life she was meant to live fulfilling the promises and purpose she was put here to fulfill all while sharing it with the people she was meant to know, love and be loved by.
Feed and treat both your body and your mind as sacred.
Monitor what goes in to both and demonstrate the highest, most optimum means to succeed, perform and build endurance because as you've already learned, this ride can be bumpy. You will be jolted from time to time. You must be able to sustain your faith when your foundation seems to have been rocked and you find yourself in question. You are strong, girl...you are SO strong.
Stay open... no matter how much it stings
Look ahead...there's so much yet to be seen... be excited
Be graceful...so soft you are in some ways, so hard you can be in others... it's OK, none of it matters now... you can soften
Forgive yourself...we are all growing and learning.What is meant to be will be.
And when you need it, remember the way is in knowing how to harness one's warrior energy; be strong yet graceful moving and communicating from your calm and fullness instead of confusion or fear. Harness the strength and use it as needed; in defense...not defensiveness. And always, always lead, leave and complete each experience with grace and honesty. No need to leave scars in anyone else's story.
In every choice you make, be it what you put in your body, who you choose to open yourself to, what you share, what offers you oblige and what you choose to pass on...remember to ask yourself
"What choice am I making with this decision right now?".
You will work harder on your personal and spiritual growth, your academics, your livelihood, and all relations than you have ever worked in your life, ever.
You must commit to this and trust the process of your life's unfolding.
You choose this way because this is your road map to the success and abundance of all things beautiful in your life. This is the way to the redemption of your perceived "failures" and to creating expansion for everything you want in your life while recognizing; REMEMBERING; the wholeness present within the woman you already are.
I will not fight myself.
Not today. Not again.
Today you SHINE. Today you FLY. Today you demonstrate radical acceptance...because in your acceptance, is also your trust that everything you need will find its way to you.
You may find the need to go off on your own for a bit but only long enough to
lick your own wounds, Sanieh.
Depend on no one else for this.
Then get up again, and bring yourself back into the world because you have a responsibility to it....you have a responsibility and an agreement you made that is the existence of your LIFE to share yourself with the world. You are the Universe's only opportunity for all of time to experience YOU in this lifetime. Don't disappoint and do not rob others of the gifts, blessings, love and insights they were meant to know through knowing YOU.
Honor your needs in their many forms.
A run or a hike in nature, a cry, a belly laugh, conversations with strangers, stepping on the mat when it seems to be the least of your needs or through a glass of wine with a good or new friend. We're all here to nurture and love another but you must first know when/how to call on your inner lover and your inner mother... You must know how to self sooth.
In the void...
Practice Patience. Radical self care requires patience.
And Patients requires Trust.
Trust, ahh trust...
And Trust requires Faith.
Faith, requires a bone chilling, knee knocking belief in the unseen; in the understanding that it's all happening just as it's meant to.
Every pain, disappointment and hurt...
Every success, gain, and joy...
all necessary for the unseen blessings that await you. Some of the familiar will come back around in new form as you (and they) grow and learn more about yourself while other's footprints will be a part of the pages in the story that continue to shape you.. Every day is necessary for your journey. Vow to see all things and people as teachers in one form or another. Did you get the lesson?
WHAT you are VS the belief of WHO you are...a practice of compassion, never self deprecation.
You
are
ready.
See it all for what it is.
Trust.
Pray.
Meditate.
Focus.
Love.
Love harder.
Be open.
Be graceful.
Be patient.
Be mindful.
Be present.
Be open to new things, perspectives, possibilities and changes.
It's All You. The light is flashing and the stage has been set for the leading lady of this life to take her spot.
It's Right Now.
Begin.
Create it.
Now.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Surrender, not Submission.
(Video: an overdue update to my youtube channel posted 1.11.11)
I believe that for all of us, there are crossroads and events in our lives that inevitably bring one closer to Spirit.
It's a visitation that's become a little more frequent in the last year and a half of my life. A form however, that's morphed into a way of being face planted in what seems to be an unwanted prostration of sorts, where the knots in the pit of my stomach seem like some sort of Navy Seal torture technique meant to pierce through the heart. The only difference is that it all takes place with a little less longing for whatever it is that I feel I'm lacking or void/empty of in the given moment.
I read something not to long ago I felt strongly connected to about the principal (and a very advanced element in one's yoga practice) referred to in yoga as "Ishvara Pranidhana". The writer expressed her interpretation of this principal as a very deep understanding; a trust, for divine order.
Ishvara Pranidhana ("the final act of surrender") has become an aspect I'm reminding myself to consider; one that I'm developing, as an ongoing practice. In doing this work, I'm seeing fruits in the form of *inner peace during the storms of life* that could never be matched through any position I could possibly condition my body to get into over any extended period of time...certainly not any that I've attained in close to a decade of practice. It's all means to take me deeper into what I am beneath all things tangible I could ever possibly begin to define myself as but even thats' not where I get off the bus. As I deepen this trust; this "knowing", I'm finding myself able to be with my experiences and calmly sit next to any inclination or hint of emptiness. Granted, I still want to feel or taste or smell the thing but i'm consciously committing, every day, to being a student to this deep aspect of my personal and spiritual evolution. I am learning to be with the longing or desire with an undertone of acceptance because I know it all serves a much larger purpose and is a part of the greater, Spirit driven sequence of my life.
This morning I received an email from a student-friend who was so open in sharing with me where he's finding himself in his own experiment with self-study. Much like myself, with a heart wide open, he shared of his going through an awakening in his life finding himself focused on things like kindness, love, health and expanding his capacity to learn. It took me quite some time to get that one. For quite a while my insecurities (and they take SO many forms... even that of outwardly seeming ever so confident for some) held me back from so much learning and so many lessons because somewhere along the way, I decided that if I didn't know something, it meant I lacked intelligence. Instead of walking away with more, I continued forward with less and less for YEARS because every time, I had to fill the space of what would have been LEARNING with nonsense, assumption, being "right", trying to convince...the list goes on.
So brave we have to be to sit in the seat of admitting that we don't know everything and being OK with that not turning it into a bad thing. It's really an "awakened" place to arrive in my opinion, when we can open and listen to our hearts (a feat in and of itself that I'm learning is not an "easy to use", built in "app" for all...although I remain CERTAIN, it is an *innate* one within all...our fear just covers it up) and when we have matured enough, in the spiritual sense, to know that every encounter with every human being is yet another opportunity to uncover our own light. In the spirit of Ishvara Pranidhana, it's about trusting the deepest voice within us, the sixth sense that connects us closer to our Truth than intellect ever could and even in the uncertainty, *trusting that sense. The work is in knowing that it's all a process. Very little in life is black and white and for what is, it's not always the biggest, most profound things.
I'm grateful for the passengers who have been on the same train. I'm grateful for the "passer-byers" even. Mostly, I'm grateful for the experiences and growth that have brought me to a place of having at least a partially open heart and set of eyes to be able to have recognized all of them as teachers of some sort; messengers of the greater sense; always leading me back to search myself.
I believe that for all of us, there are crossroads and events in our lives that inevitably bring one closer to Spirit.
It's a visitation that's become a little more frequent in the last year and a half of my life. A form however, that's morphed into a way of being face planted in what seems to be an unwanted prostration of sorts, where the knots in the pit of my stomach seem like some sort of Navy Seal torture technique meant to pierce through the heart. The only difference is that it all takes place with a little less longing for whatever it is that I feel I'm lacking or void/empty of in the given moment.
I read something not to long ago I felt strongly connected to about the principal (and a very advanced element in one's yoga practice) referred to in yoga as "Ishvara Pranidhana". The writer expressed her interpretation of this principal as a very deep understanding; a trust, for divine order.
Ishvara Pranidhana ("the final act of surrender") has become an aspect I'm reminding myself to consider; one that I'm developing, as an ongoing practice. In doing this work, I'm seeing fruits in the form of *inner peace during the storms of life* that could never be matched through any position I could possibly condition my body to get into over any extended period of time...certainly not any that I've attained in close to a decade of practice. It's all means to take me deeper into what I am beneath all things tangible I could ever possibly begin to define myself as but even thats' not where I get off the bus. As I deepen this trust; this "knowing", I'm finding myself able to be with my experiences and calmly sit next to any inclination or hint of emptiness. Granted, I still want to feel or taste or smell the thing but i'm consciously committing, every day, to being a student to this deep aspect of my personal and spiritual evolution. I am learning to be with the longing or desire with an undertone of acceptance because I know it all serves a much larger purpose and is a part of the greater, Spirit driven sequence of my life.
This morning I received an email from a student-friend who was so open in sharing with me where he's finding himself in his own experiment with self-study. Much like myself, with a heart wide open, he shared of his going through an awakening in his life finding himself focused on things like kindness, love, health and expanding his capacity to learn. It took me quite some time to get that one. For quite a while my insecurities (and they take SO many forms... even that of outwardly seeming ever so confident for some) held me back from so much learning and so many lessons because somewhere along the way, I decided that if I didn't know something, it meant I lacked intelligence. Instead of walking away with more, I continued forward with less and less for YEARS because every time, I had to fill the space of what would have been LEARNING with nonsense, assumption, being "right", trying to convince...the list goes on.
So brave we have to be to sit in the seat of admitting that we don't know everything and being OK with that not turning it into a bad thing. It's really an "awakened" place to arrive in my opinion, when we can open and listen to our hearts (a feat in and of itself that I'm learning is not an "easy to use", built in "app" for all...although I remain CERTAIN, it is an *innate* one within all...our fear just covers it up) and when we have matured enough, in the spiritual sense, to know that every encounter with every human being is yet another opportunity to uncover our own light. In the spirit of Ishvara Pranidhana, it's about trusting the deepest voice within us, the sixth sense that connects us closer to our Truth than intellect ever could and even in the uncertainty, *trusting that sense. The work is in knowing that it's all a process. Very little in life is black and white and for what is, it's not always the biggest, most profound things.
I'm grateful for the passengers who have been on the same train. I'm grateful for the "passer-byers" even. Mostly, I'm grateful for the experiences and growth that have brought me to a place of having at least a partially open heart and set of eyes to be able to have recognized all of them as teachers of some sort; messengers of the greater sense; always leading me back to search myself.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
In the bed I make
I will sleep in the bed I make
where passion arises and it's all at stake
in the waking hours of all that could be
in the cold chill of the night when it all seems bleak
We all sleep in the bed we make
when the fear takes over and the heart begins to shake
where the inner fire burns and there's no sense to be made
when the bonfire dies and our defeat turns to shame
Everyone sleeps in the bed they make
when the moment shines for all to see
the doer mistakes provocative fear for pain
and in the graceful moment when the one who hurts ceases to blame
You will sleep in the bed you make
in the screams of your terrifying witnessing
when the body turns to ash; where your spirit runs free
all the times love was hoarded so needlessly
In the bed we make at the the end of our day
it's where honestly, apology and yesterday
have no room for what he who withholds will say
"I left my light behind choosing fear to stay"
In the bed I make on my final day
all I did wrong, the angels say
won't be a thought or worry when I close my eyes that day
because I chose love every time, in every way.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Year At A Glance
(NOTE: Not sure why hyper links are not showing...where you see "**** ****", run your arrow over it to see the words and hyper links :)
Dear 2010,
You've been really amazing.
On January 1, 2010, myself and a few other friends
(the same group went to go see the incredibly spiritual movie, Avatar shortly after New Year's Day...just had to add this hilarious photo!)
all met for a Mt Bonnell sunrise and to have a "round table" discussion of our intentions for the year. It was there that I stated that my intention for 2010 would be to stay closely centered in my heart; to navigate in all things to and from this place. I wasn't sure what that would look like and that just a week later I would be confronted with many reasons to renig on that intention, but that's just what it was.
It's incredible how the Universe listens... and responds.
"Wherever your heart, so is your treasure"...or something like that. I always remembered that passage from the Bible. The Universe does not know "no". It only responds to energy and everything is energy...our words, our actions, thoughts...When we put our energy in "no", we are energetically saying "yes". We are giving power to the "No"...charging it. Once we express something and put it out there into the world, we subconsciously and energetically aligning ourselves with those very things. So when I say I had a spoken intention of being a student to the heart teacher this year (hence the license plate...), that's what was fully charged and what I was aligned with even when I didn't feel like being so!
2010 would prove to be a year that would test how much heart I had and as a result will go down in the story that is my life as being a year where it all shifted. You know, those times in our lives where we can look back and see a line drawn in the sand? This year has been one of those years for me. I'll go on record and say I feel like I've really become a woman this year having connected so strongly to my heart, grace and authentic self...and it ain't over yet! ;)
From declaring my 33rd as my "power year" in February and spending my birthday with a group of gals from High School (never thought THAT would've happened!) to **** the unreal and mind gripping intensity and ultimate test of Spirit **** during Budokon Academy weekend in April, the year began with a crashing wave of questionable discomfort.
My first 3 triathlons
in a five week period of time gave me a new determination as did my time running with Rogue proving yet again, the body just follows the mind. When the mind says "I CAN" the body follows.
August would prove to be where the line was *really* drawn in the sand when every possible plan for the Summer Sadhana Retreat fell apart last minute and I ended up hosting solo rather than the intended duo. Our small yet fully ALIVE group
shared in some pretty auspicious moments that we will all cherish and for me, this **** marked the moment where I found clarity and a peace of mind I hadn't known in some several years. **** Standing at the bank with the waves rolling in clear up to my thighs as I cried when my own voice freed me in my realization "It's OK to close the door" as I struggled with personal transitions I was resisting out of "looking good, fear of looking bad" and denying my heart, the Ultimate Guru, and it's intelligence as a result. There was a freedom; a liberation felt during this time that would soon set the ball in motion to radically change my life. I'm SO grateful for August and every expected and unexpected twist, turn and tide that was a part of it...all I needed from this point forward was the courage to be totally authentic and honest, boldly stating what had become so clear and real in my heart.
It was also a very sweet month having been named one of ****"Austin's Top 10 Fittest" by Austin Fit Magazine. ****(scroll down the page to see the Austin's Fittest people write ups)This was special to me because it meant that my community supported and believed in me...but I could not have gotten this recognition without them. I share it with you all and I am still so honored to be able to be a face for what it means to be fit in body, mind and spirit.
****Enter Landmark Forum.****
September would gift me with a completely NEW WAY OF BEING as I embarked on my first Landmark Forum experience. I have gone on record to say that with all of my yoga experiences, this was certainly something to write home about. After having fully immersed myself into the teachings on a very chilling, present day, no-excuses level, I cannot image *ever* going back to the former way of being. I really can't. Furthermore, I continue to use what I now know, what I have learned about myself on the most honest and authentic, all encompassing level in every aspect of my life and I am so grateful for honest to goodness clear seeing of myself, my life, how I was living it and how I live it today.
October would follow with a super intense dose of the Landmark Advanced curriculum where I learned just how much we really don't give a shit about other people. I know, I know...that sounds ODD if nothing else. This 36 hour weekend power punch is all about how we tend to be in it to win it for OURSELVES in many ways, subconsciously. Ultimately what I got from it was that I hadn't been empowering people the way I really want to be or am capable of and that I need to be standing for the people I love and believe in and that all of this creates one infinite circle of life. One of the biggest blessings of October was seeing what my "ACT" is in the world as they refer to it and having identified with this one distinction alone, the quality of my LIFE has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Let me repeat that...
Having identified clearly what my "ACT" is in the world (as taught in the Landmark Advanced course...no I'm not a rep in any way, shape or form... it's just good stuff!), I saw a movie reel of my life flash before me revealing my life long in-authenticities in how I had been living, communicating, and existing from this false way of being. As a result, I continue to see how this has dictated my actions and has sabotaged the very things I've wanted and have deserved in my life.
"From Nothing, Right Now, What I am is the possibility of..."
****I cannot be grateful enough for my Possibility Driven Life. ****
Landmark Forum & Advanced Course; Truly NEXT LEVEL when it comes to doing the work on the personal and as I like to say in class, CONFRONTATIONAL, front. I encourage everyone I know and love and even those who I don't to consider this step of deep personal work. While our insights aren't always pretty...we have to go into the darkness of ourselves to see the burning bonfire within.
By November I had registered myself for my first ever semester of higher learning beginning in January :)) It was also a life-changing month for my family as I, for the first time in my life,**** met my big brother, Mike and realized my fullest capacity to forgive my father. ****
I'll stop at that and let you read the above not so private thoughts shared in the link. I couldn't possibly say it any better now than I did when it was fresh-fresh.
November blessings would not have been complete without the full circle Yoga moment I've felt which has given me a new relationship to both my **** teaching and studentship practices with Yoga.****
(a colorful group of teachers and Lululemon friends from the huge "Yogasm" event held earlier n the year)
Again...waves of gratitude washing over me right now.
SO many things I've learned this year....It has indeed been the year of HEART.
To New Friends...
Thank you to ****Crossfit Central**** for being one of the the best reasons to wake up on Monday and Wednesday mornings and to my longtime (of almost 2 years...Wow! Really?!) **** Coach, Crystal Mac,****
for always knowing how to hold space with such supportive intensity for us every time.
To long time friends
who continue to make me laugh (and cry); who are are true tribe members when you need them or just need a good glass of wine :)
To engagements and life celebrations of two very dear friends of mine...who both remind me of what an intimate love and partenership can look like for us all when it's right...
(holy smokes you two ladies have done so much my soul you don't even know! And to Evan "I don't think Sanieh knows ... she's SANIEH!"....Thank you SO much for sharing that with me, Lauran...THAT CHANGED ME. Love to both of you ladies and may your big day and the life that follows be the greatest expression of Love in Action with the wonderful men you've chosen.)
It's mid December as I write this entry and so many documented realizations and experiences come to mind that I am SO grateful for...
A painful yet profound realization of **** the importance of boundaries ***
***A moment of reflection ****on how far I've come and how much I've grown
And a deep knowing that ****I AM A POSSIBLITY.***
A very meditative time of year it is for me. If you haven't done so already, I encourage you to spend a few days to come up with and declare a powerful intention for the New Year transition then share it. Something very powerful happens when in the declaration and more so when we state it out loud.
To every one of you who walked beside me this year...
To those quietly and even silently watched and rooted me on whispering blessings of support, sending emails of praise, excitement, joy and even sorrow...
To the challengers, nay sayers and even haters...
To the ones whose fork came up in the road...
And To the new people in my life...
I felt you all...
And I'm closer to where ever it is I'm meant to be in my incredibly blessed life because of you.
So now is the time when I'm going deep within to align myself to the "YES" of where my energy will be put; the energy that will immediately will follow a spoken declaration for 2011. I love this time of year for this reason alone, if for no other.
With a grateful smile and waves of excitement and laugher for new beginnings in a New Year,
my heart bows to you all.
Dear 2010,
You've been really amazing.
On January 1, 2010, myself and a few other friends
all met for a Mt Bonnell sunrise and to have a "round table" discussion of our intentions for the year. It was there that I stated that my intention for 2010 would be to stay closely centered in my heart; to navigate in all things to and from this place. I wasn't sure what that would look like and that just a week later I would be confronted with many reasons to renig on that intention, but that's just what it was.
It's incredible how the Universe listens... and responds.
"Wherever your heart, so is your treasure"...or something like that. I always remembered that passage from the Bible. The Universe does not know "no". It only responds to energy and everything is energy...our words, our actions, thoughts...When we put our energy in "no", we are energetically saying "yes". We are giving power to the "No"...charging it. Once we express something and put it out there into the world, we subconsciously and energetically aligning ourselves with those very things. So when I say I had a spoken intention of being a student to the heart teacher this year (hence the license plate...), that's what was fully charged and what I was aligned with even when I didn't feel like being so!
2010 would prove to be a year that would test how much heart I had and as a result will go down in the story that is my life as being a year where it all shifted. You know, those times in our lives where we can look back and see a line drawn in the sand? This year has been one of those years for me. I'll go on record and say I feel like I've really become a woman this year having connected so strongly to my heart, grace and authentic self...and it ain't over yet! ;)
From declaring my 33rd as my "power year" in February and spending my birthday with a group of gals from High School (never thought THAT would've happened!) to **** the unreal and mind gripping intensity and ultimate test of Spirit **** during Budokon Academy weekend in April, the year began with a crashing wave of questionable discomfort.
My first 3 triathlons
in a five week period of time gave me a new determination as did my time running with Rogue proving yet again, the body just follows the mind. When the mind says "I CAN" the body follows.
August would prove to be where the line was *really* drawn in the sand when every possible plan for the Summer Sadhana Retreat fell apart last minute and I ended up hosting solo rather than the intended duo. Our small yet fully ALIVE group
shared in some pretty auspicious moments that we will all cherish and for me, this **** marked the moment where I found clarity and a peace of mind I hadn't known in some several years. **** Standing at the bank with the waves rolling in clear up to my thighs as I cried when my own voice freed me in my realization "It's OK to close the door" as I struggled with personal transitions I was resisting out of "looking good, fear of looking bad" and denying my heart, the Ultimate Guru, and it's intelligence as a result. There was a freedom; a liberation felt during this time that would soon set the ball in motion to radically change my life. I'm SO grateful for August and every expected and unexpected twist, turn and tide that was a part of it...all I needed from this point forward was the courage to be totally authentic and honest, boldly stating what had become so clear and real in my heart.
It was also a very sweet month having been named one of ****"Austin's Top 10 Fittest" by Austin Fit Magazine. ****(scroll down the page to see the Austin's Fittest people write ups)This was special to me because it meant that my community supported and believed in me...but I could not have gotten this recognition without them. I share it with you all and I am still so honored to be able to be a face for what it means to be fit in body, mind and spirit.
****Enter Landmark Forum.****
September would gift me with a completely NEW WAY OF BEING as I embarked on my first Landmark Forum experience. I have gone on record to say that with all of my yoga experiences, this was certainly something to write home about. After having fully immersed myself into the teachings on a very chilling, present day, no-excuses level, I cannot image *ever* going back to the former way of being. I really can't. Furthermore, I continue to use what I now know, what I have learned about myself on the most honest and authentic, all encompassing level in every aspect of my life and I am so grateful for honest to goodness clear seeing of myself, my life, how I was living it and how I live it today.
October would follow with a super intense dose of the Landmark Advanced curriculum where I learned just how much we really don't give a shit about other people. I know, I know...that sounds ODD if nothing else. This 36 hour weekend power punch is all about how we tend to be in it to win it for OURSELVES in many ways, subconsciously. Ultimately what I got from it was that I hadn't been empowering people the way I really want to be or am capable of and that I need to be standing for the people I love and believe in and that all of this creates one infinite circle of life. One of the biggest blessings of October was seeing what my "ACT" is in the world as they refer to it and having identified with this one distinction alone, the quality of my LIFE has taken a dramatic turn for the better. Let me repeat that...
Having identified clearly what my "ACT" is in the world (as taught in the Landmark Advanced course...no I'm not a rep in any way, shape or form... it's just good stuff!), I saw a movie reel of my life flash before me revealing my life long in-authenticities in how I had been living, communicating, and existing from this false way of being. As a result, I continue to see how this has dictated my actions and has sabotaged the very things I've wanted and have deserved in my life.
"From Nothing, Right Now, What I am is the possibility of..."
****I cannot be grateful enough for my Possibility Driven Life. ****
Landmark Forum & Advanced Course; Truly NEXT LEVEL when it comes to doing the work on the personal and as I like to say in class, CONFRONTATIONAL, front. I encourage everyone I know and love and even those who I don't to consider this step of deep personal work. While our insights aren't always pretty...we have to go into the darkness of ourselves to see the burning bonfire within.
By November I had registered myself for my first ever semester of higher learning beginning in January :)) It was also a life-changing month for my family as I, for the first time in my life,**** met my big brother, Mike and realized my fullest capacity to forgive my father. ****
I'll stop at that and let you read the above not so private thoughts shared in the link. I couldn't possibly say it any better now than I did when it was fresh-fresh.
November blessings would not have been complete without the full circle Yoga moment I've felt which has given me a new relationship to both my **** teaching and studentship practices with Yoga.****
Again...waves of gratitude washing over me right now.
SO many things I've learned this year....It has indeed been the year of HEART.
To New Friends...
Thank you to ****Crossfit Central**** for being one of the the best reasons to wake up on Monday and Wednesday mornings and to my longtime (of almost 2 years...Wow! Really?!) **** Coach, Crystal Mac,****
for always knowing how to hold space with such supportive intensity for us every time.
To long time friends
who continue to make me laugh (and cry); who are are true tribe members when you need them or just need a good glass of wine :)
To engagements and life celebrations of two very dear friends of mine...who both remind me of what an intimate love and partenership can look like for us all when it's right...
It's mid December as I write this entry and so many documented realizations and experiences come to mind that I am SO grateful for...
A painful yet profound realization of **** the importance of boundaries ***
***A moment of reflection ****on how far I've come and how much I've grown
And a deep knowing that ****I AM A POSSIBLITY.***
A very meditative time of year it is for me. If you haven't done so already, I encourage you to spend a few days to come up with and declare a powerful intention for the New Year transition then share it. Something very powerful happens when in the declaration and more so when we state it out loud.
To every one of you who walked beside me this year...
To those quietly and even silently watched and rooted me on whispering blessings of support, sending emails of praise, excitement, joy and even sorrow...
To the challengers, nay sayers and even haters...
To the ones whose fork came up in the road...
And To the new people in my life...
I felt you all...
And I'm closer to where ever it is I'm meant to be in my incredibly blessed life because of you.
So now is the time when I'm going deep within to align myself to the "YES" of where my energy will be put; the energy that will immediately will follow a spoken declaration for 2011. I love this time of year for this reason alone, if for no other.
With a grateful smile and waves of excitement and laugher for new beginnings in a New Year,
my heart bows to you all.
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